Saturday, March 9, 2013

Don't Sweat the small stuff

"In the past, we made simple situations into problems; we made mountains out of molehills."  Basic text p. 90

Hello my name is Vixen and I am a recovering addict.

On a deeper level I am beginning to understand what it means to work a program.  Reading this meditation everyday seems to reflect in that exact moment in my life. Like the words from the pages of the book have been written as a running commentary for my life.  I recognized this with the steps as well.   As I worked a step it was like my higher power facilitated the exact experiences necessary for me to earn that step on a very real practical level at the same moment that I was working through it in a book.   Amusing tidbit of information for myself, sorry to hold you hostage while my mind plays with the small stuff......

Today I received an email from my ex boyfriend that I have been struggling mentally to let go of.   I am pretty obsessed with him and have recently released he is a reservation for me.  We relapsed together twice.   At the moment I am freaked out about being unemployed with no income.  I am coming up on my very first six month tag clean.  I also just made the official cut in our relationship, which puts me single for the first time.... In my life.    Huge changes in my world two weeks before a major tag for me.  Can you say super hot zone?

So the email response is one of those small things that has me teetering on the edge.   Small thing?  Yes.    That last thing that can send me over the edge?     It's not just that he emailed, it's the content.   He always says the seemingly right thing, although I know beneath the words his concepts are skewed.  This email is the little mini bomb he dropped at the end that has me reeling.   He will be in town for the weekend and at all the meetings.

I am blessed with the fact he lives out of town and I am not tempted by him on a daily basis.  That would be excruciating as I am still deeply attracted to him.   Not a healthy kind of attraction I must add.  However being as close to the edge as I am in my personal life, to have him so close makes it almost unbearable.    This is a small thing that I am sweating.

So.... Just for today:  I will work on patience.   I will try to keep from blowing things out of proportion, and walk with my higher power through my day.

Thank you for being here with me.  My name is Brandy and I am a grateful recovering addict.

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