Monday, March 18, 2013
Today's reading speaks about the power in sharing where we are at in our recovery at that precise moment. My first thought which is always a negative one was about the people that never share anything but where they are at and it's always a whine fest without the good cheese for balance. Again first thought egotistical and on further reflection I came to something deeper.
This past few weeks I have been sharing where I am at. I was even getting sick of hearing myself cry over the fear of being jobless. I tried to share positive message, I even gave warnings at the beginning of my share time that it may not be an empowering message for the women in the Saturday night meeting. I just needed to try to make sense of what was happening in my life and experience has shown me that by speaking my thoughts in a group setting either powers them up or deflates me entirely. Negative unproductive thoughts are the ones to dissolve. It was exactly what kept my head above water for those few weeks. I am entirely grateful.
Now that things are turning around slightly for me, I feel myself returning to a more balanced state and my need to apologize to my fellow females at the last meeting was overwhelming. However when I began to share I didn't apologize. While my mouth was wording the gratitude I felt for the process of life and being put back on my feet, my mind was marvelling at the vulnerability I was capable of while sharing my confusion and fear over being jobless. To apaologize for my rants would be to devalue the ability to become vulnerable. When we share where we are at we are getting vulnerable.
I would think that for the more recovered addict this would get more difficult. There is an image to uphold with sponsees and newcomers that might make it more challenging to get raw about your own feelings. I felt the connection between me and my fellow addicts as I shared honestly and from the heart.... Fear and love both reside there.
I almost didn't want to share this last meeting because everything is going really good for me in life again and when it's good I don't have anything to process, then I realized this is the giving back part of the program. I took a lot these past couple of weeks, now it's time for me to keep that energy going and give it back to the women in the room that is about to trip and stumble on her own fear block. This is the circle of recovery.