I had to call a friend to come stay with me this weekend. I don't think my mind can be trusted to be alone even for a minute over the next couple of days.
Huge shift at work. The 25 year old fling I had has now moved home. My co-project manager has quit and one of our star crew chief's moved on to new things in his life. All three of these guys's lasts days were yesterday. I didn't make it through the morning.
The tears started at seven am and didn't finish until way late in the evening. My mind on fifteen different tangents desperately trying to find a thought path that would slow the tears. Nothing worked Every path lead to a waterfall barricade.
So many things on so many levels were happening with those tears. I am going to choose to narrow in on the one that is most relevant to this blog. That of course would be my hang up of all things male. So 25 year old Douche it is.
A lot of my time and thought has gone into what is love? What is respect? What does it look like to have a healthy relationship with a man. I am certain that this fling was not with a healthy man but how can I be certain it wasn't love on a level him and I both understood it? Or am I ignoring fifteen red flags and creating something in my mind that is not accurate. Was he, and was I, just caught up in each of our fantasies? Or was it my circus he was visiting?
One thing with learning about the mind. I learn how powerful and deceiving it can be. How the mind can lead and trick you into beliefs that are not accurate. To see situations that are not reality but fantasy in your own mind. We see what we want to see.
I think the entire relationship I had with this guy was two totally separate scenarios playing out here. They say communication is key if you want the relationship to grow. When 25 and I would talk its like we were having two totally different conversations. I am thinking that was a bad sign and perceptions were entirely off. Or at least mine was.
Or maybe it was his. I own every part of a failed relationship all the time in every situation. The friend I have on thought management this weekend reminded me that some people are just douches and that's the end of it. Did I really just hook up with a douche and I am trying to make it into some grande life altering lesson so that I can cover the fact I choose shitty once again??
This is where I don't need dope to escape reality and create my own scenarios anymore. I can do it at will now.
Coming back to owning some stuff. Its hard for me to think someone is that unkind just by nature. I question if I hurt him really bad by sneaking out of his bed one morning and booking it home calling it quits on him later that day. Because I couldn't take responsibility for my bad behaviour the night before.
I am sure it was part of it. However I think my bad behaviour stemmed from feeling him back off first. That was the vicious circle I have been looping for over a month now. I have beat this situation to death and I am exhausted.
But what was done was done and it doesn't matter cause he has moved back to Ontario and my life is now going to settle back into peaceful. After I pick up the pieces and mend my work relationships. I want to say it was a crazy fun ride but it wasn't. It was just heart breaking. from day one on.
This is why I beg the question, Did I just see what I wanted to see? Each time it didn't play out as I seen fit, well then I threw a fit. When the relationship just kept disappointing me my heart cracked a bit more each time. Do I create these relationships because I am still feeling like I need to be hurt?
Do I cause pain in them first so that they can retaliate and feed me what I know and understand? Betrayal?
I am tired. Drained. Done.
I have been here before. In other areas of my life. A bottom if you will. A breaking point or a crossing of the line of what is acceptable and what is not. A finish line we cross when enough is enough.
I am there. Enough. I am good. Content. All drained of angers and resentments. All played out in the hurting arena. I don't wanna play the game anymore. I am ready to settle into peace again. To regain my sense of balance and purpose. To move forward back on my path free of my recent distraction. Pit stop into pity lane is over.
Its funny because I am starting to blog on my work website. I love to create words on the screen. Its much different to write about landscape construction projects then it is to talk about the affairs and failings of the heart and mind. Yet I tell our web designer all the time that I need a new writing outlet because creating these crazy dramas to have something to write about is getting a bit insane.
So I am thinking its time to give this blog a nice put to bed and start up a new blog on my very own website instead. I think it is time to move into that arena. I am tired and finally content. I don't wish to hurt anyone anymore. I don't wish to hurt unnecessarily anymore.
The defiantion of insantiy is doing the same thing and expecting different results. Its time to change that now.
This is done.