Saturday, May 2, 2015
Reflection in the Shattered Mirror
Why is it that once a guy enters the picture I lose all self control?
Like a dog in heat, a bitch losing all sense of loyalty to her dearest owner when a Verile male mutt struts into the room. Single focus, a chemical takes over my body, mind and spirit and all I can smell, taste, feel and think is.... omg!! He is so hot I want him...... forever......right now!
Its happened again folks.
You would think all the work on self care and all the work and writings and journallings and self reflections..... I would simply be able to flow through the process of falling in love. But nope not this girl. I kick and scream at anything new presenting itself in my life. All the good is as equal as all the bad, if its something unfamiliar to me.
Have I never fallen in love before?
Did I not love my husband? I am sure I was in lust with him in the beginning. I am certain after 17 years we grew to love each other deeply. So then why now when I connect with a guy that has the potential of being something more then a friend do I lose my shit and sabotage it before it can grow into anything worth while??
My therapist says I choose guys that are emotionally unavailable to me for a reason.
All my friends are always telling me I am not ready for love yet. I could never really understand why they would say that. I don't need a man to take care of me. I got that covered on all fronts. I am completely self sufficient. I want a man to share my life with now that I have so much to offer.
Do I really have whats needed to be offered yet though?
This last escapade with a... OMG. so HOT, like drop dead make my panties wet whenever he looked my way kind of hot .......guy, showed me that I might not be ready for this kind of love relationship yet.
The minute it started to get a bit deeper then a friendship I went squirly and broke up with him. But only because I was smothering him out of fear of losing him. That's crazy insecurity. He brought out every single issue I have ever had in my entire life. Looking into his eyes was like looking at my entire life flashing before my own eyes.
I understand in my reality that when you become intimate with someone it is like looking in a mirror and if you have cleared up your stuff then you love what you see. I loved what I saw but I also seen the closet full of bags. The running type of bags. I know them all to well. The baggage you bring to a relationship because you just cant seem to shake it no matter how many years of therapy you have paid for or how many trips into drug rehab you have.
I am a broken girl.
Broken girls get left behind or give up on ever finding a man that will be able to withstand the shattered image in the mirror. Some things cannot be fixed in this life time. I have mastered my career. I am a great mother. I am proud of who I am and what I have accomplished. Yet underneath is still a very very hurt woman when it comes to relationships both with men and women.
I know I am not unique. I understand fully we all have a story. I also in my years in this world have come to learn through experience that some of us are much more wounded then others.
The incredibly beautiful male that is sniffing around my world right now is a pretty wounded man. I am so in love with his woundedness. Every time he opens his mouth regardless what comes out I seem to fall deeper in to him and his world. With every interaction we have no matter how frustrating or how incredibly breath taking I sink deeper into his wondrous energy.
As I continue to walk into his light, I know in the deepest part of my heart he is walking toward my light and experiencing the same fears and the same sabotages and the same pull backs. We are both empaths I can feel it. We both react more to each others subtle energies then our words. Its what confuses us the most.
Yet with all this wonderful knowledge and understandings, I still come into the this page full of heart ache and frustration over losing myself once again. Between my 19 hours a day job and this glorious man, I have had no energy to refill my cup.
Ask me when I meditated last? Ask me how many days ago its was when I chose a glass of water over a McDonald's coffee? Ask me how many minutes I have spent with my daughter in the past month? Working out, yoga, you ask?? Ya non existent. Self care has lost its entire meaning in my life today and I am struggling to get it back again.
I am not being hard on myself which is a huge change for me. I get that I am in an incredible movement phase of my life.
I have been made manager of a busy landscaping company. I am managing four crews of three guys in each right now. That makes for long days but huge rewards in teaching, guiding and directing these amazing guys to not only meet my expectations but exceed them on a daily basis's. My clients are giving me best ever reviews. Yes my career has taken off, my incredible pay checks are a testament to that. A huge difference to six months ago thats for sure.
I have been a approved for a mortgage!! So one of my long held dreams is about to explode into my reality. No co-signer, no man..... no help but my own hard work and dedication to my finances. I am defiantly in a huge movement phase of my life. I have moved into a new circle of Friends that are progressing not only my dreams but my own self growth to heights I never dreamed possible for myself. I am defiantly moving along on a speed highway.
So I understand that my self care has taken up the back seat... well, more like plastered to the back window like a fly splattered on the inside!! And now I have to give mouth to mouth to that little splattered fly.
It was my self care that got me to the place I am at. It was daily mediation that helps me see the lessons in my life. Its in the silence that I hear the guidance for my next step. Its through Yoga that I release the trauma energy trapped in my tissues. Its from water that the toxins slowing my mind down are washed away with. And it is through spiritual connection that I find grounding and peace amongst the storm.
I cannot move forward with this glorious man or any man for that fact if I am not grounded and doing the things I need to in order to release the issues that are sure to show up in my cracked mirror. I believe the main reason people avoid falling in love is they cant stand to see there own reflection. I have a growing love for myself and want to see myself fully in the eyes of another person.
It might not be this person and I might have some more work to do now that I have been blind sided by some crazy stuff, but I will do the work because falling in love is the last thing on my list to accomplish for this incredible growth period of my life.
Then by Goddess, I will be ready for a rest period!!