Monday, May 4, 2015

I'm the Love Clinger!!

Oh Baby.  I am back and it feels so good.

Letting go is the greatest freedom in the world.    I have been so consumed with my life and moving forward that I have forgotten about the things I love to do.  the things that fill my cup.  Everyone has a passion something that they love to do that brings them joy and a time out of life.  Writing here is my passion.

Yet when I get busy, when I get consumed with life, I forget to take time out to pursue my passion.  I wonder why that is?

Yesterday I wrote about getting caught up in a guy again.  It wasn't just a guy it was a couple of guys.  My infamous distraction in life.  I have contemplated about that today and I wanted to share what I discovered about my pattern of toxic men.

After I write something out it either feels right or it doesn't.  Last nights writing didn't feel right today when I re read it.   I don't love that guy.  I thought I did.  I think I really wanted to.  The desire to fall in love exceeding the warning flags that he wasn't the one to fall for.  Sad but true.  However that truth aside I am learning the difference between Love and Attachment.

I have attachment issues.

Duh.  All my friends are thinking.   How long and how many heartaches do I need before I catch on to what everyone else knows but me.  Hey, even these guys I have been getting caught up in told me I had attachment issues.  Damn even my beloved Boss shared with the current crush not to get involved with me cause I have attachment issues.  Where along the line did I not catch on to this?

Probably to blinded by the rage to prove everyone wrong.

I learn through experience is my excuse.  I am an adventurer, says one of the guys who claims to be my friend but who would crash on my couch and become my pet if I paid him enough. Oiy Vay.... The friends I keep.  Ugh.

Awareness is not enough.  To be aware I am broken is not enough.  To know that I have attachment issues is not enough to escape them, to overcome them or to tackle them to the ground and obliterate them.  No awareness is not enough.  It may be key to opening the door to work on the issue, but its not the end.

So now I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do indeed have attachment issues.  So to answer my own question from yesterdays post... have I never fallen in love before?  ......No actually, I don't think I have.  I have become attached to those guys that have allowed me to do so.  And in that willingness to let me cling to them I have called it love.  But that's not love.

I don't Love the guy that gets my heart racing.  He is not even remotely compatible with me, nor even close to my playing field.  Nor does he even want me.   I just wanted to fall in love and he was willing for a short time to let me cling.

With these new understandings comes a huge freedom.  I can let go of the need to attach myself to someone.  I am not ready to fall in love.   I have a house to hunt for and a Job that is keeping me completely absorbed and I love it like my own children.  I have a daughter that is so excited for our new house hunting project.  I have no space in my life today for love.  It was merely a distraction from the fear of stepping into a management position and a commitment to a house that pushed me to act out in old ways.

Old toxic boy patterns.  Not my style anymore.    Attachment issues.  I don't have time to work through them right now.  I have a career to build, a daughter to raise and a home to buy.  I need to refocus on what matters in my life and let go of those things that simply don't matter.... and well right now that is toxic boys that create heartaches for me.

Goddess love rain days.  I have had time to slow down and see the truth of what I was creating to keep my energy up.  Drawing off men is like eating cake everyday expecting to lose weight.  Time to go within and draw from the source that will create the future I want..... and omg, I am so close I can barely believe I am almost there.

A house of my own is my focus.  Stopped, reassessed and now redirecting!!  Home sweet Home!!

Thanks for sharing this with me.  I love you and wish you the best time of your life right now!!

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