Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Where do you put your Energy?

How much energy do we put into things, places, people and situations?

   I am becoming acutely aware of how much energy it takes to start a new job.  Especially one that is physically demanding as well as draining to the ol' mind.   Seems fitting that today's reading is about where we put our energy.

In addiction I was all consumed by my drug of the moment.  I could care less about work, family or relationships.  I just wanted to get loaded and that was it.  Looking back now I can see how emotionally exhausting it was to live in obsession to that degree.  How much energy it took for me to maintain that level of unhealthiness.  But it didn't matter to me because thats all I could focus on.  Thats what obsession is... clears all balance out of your life in exchange for that one fix.

I thought that the focus of my obsession was what gave me energy and for me to survive I needed more of it.  Now I can see clearly how wrong that assumption was.  I get my energy from my higher power, from my own inner light, from the source that powers me.  I tap that energy through prayer and meditation.  I recharge when I sit in quiet with myself and listen to my own deep breaths and feel my own heart beat.  I connect with the divine energy of all when I do this practice daily.... some times several times a day.

Starting this new job and integrating back into society has woken me up to a few things about energy.  I am freaking bagged!!  It takes a lot of work to push my physical body to keep up with my daily expectations at work after being out of work for three months and prior to that working a job that afforded me lots of down time.  I have gained thirty pounds in two years from my lack of physical movement but I am certain this job will drop them by the end of the week!!  It feels amazing to be moving my body again and doing the work that I have always done and loved, but I am feeling the pain.  My body is done at the end of my day.

What surprised me however was not the energy it takes to move my body after years of inertia, its the amount of energy it takes to re awaken my brain.   Learning new things, pulling things from my memory long ago buried and needing to be focussed in one avenue for over 8 hours is truly energy sapping.  I forgot how much the brain is a muscle like any other in your body and if it is not worked out regularly it gets slack too.  This job is pulling and pushing the muscle in directions it has not been in years, some information being pulled is over ten years old!!  I love it.  It takes huge energy though and a different type of energy then obsessive focus takes.  I can't really explain the difference for I lack full understanding of it myself.

At one point during the afternoon yesterday my brain actually shut off.  I was just blank, zombified for a good hour.  I couldn't pull any information and was just fried, doing menial tasks till I got back online.  It was crazy.  I overloaded the circuits, had no more energy to run it.  I had to refill.  It was kinda scary for me and reminded me to slow down and pace myself lest I burn out entirely.  Spreading myself too thing is a very real danger.

  No wonder when i was in active addiction I could not focus on anything other then my addiction... it took all my energy.

Finding balance now is the key for me.  I can see how easy it is to fall into the workaholic trap.  I have been coming home every night and taking long luxurious baths and following that up with a girly self care pampering routine.  I am spending time with my daughter cuddling making sure I keep my priority straight where she is concerned.  And now I am getting back to writing here, keeping my recovery alive and well.  I focus on my home group meeting each week and let the others slide.  Energy management.  When my emotions flare like they are today I pull out my step working guide and get writing.  Keeping myself healthy is the key to balance.

I can see how keeping all the plates spinning at once is a learned art and one for which should be taken slowly.  Recovery, Parenting, Work.   That is all I have the energy for this week.  Maybe next week or the week after I can add back in family relationships and my friendships.  That should keep me at full energy for the summer at least.  Life in recovery is the most amazing gift I have ever received   Learning how to live has been the coolest journey I have been on yet.  I will keep on trudging the happy road to my destiny!!

Where do you put your energy?

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