Monday, April 8, 2013

The Small Hand of Happiness


What is happiness?   What does that look like to people?  How do you measure happiness?  And how do you keep it once you tap it?

I am happy when I am right here in these pages writing.  It makes me even happier when someone reads my writing and even greater happy when its a good enough read that someone shares it.

.........I have had to correct that last sentence already and take out the word 'make'.

 I am well aware that nothing can make me happy, just like nothing can make me sad.  I choose my own feelings.  This has been a slow lesson for me.  The original sentences included that writing makes me happy and all the hits I get makes me happy.  What I am gonna rewrite it to say is..

I am grateful when people read my writing and ecstatic when its good enough for them to share.  Choosing to feel grateful is deeper then if I just place my happiness on someone reading my writing.  What happens when I spend a whole day on a post and I think its the best post I have ever written.... and nobody reads it or shares it.  I obviously will feel deflated if I place my happiness on the notion other people will like it.  When I come from a place of gratitude, then when even just one person reads it I am elated and if they share it.. estatic.

Do you see the difference?

Service is the road to happiness. Thats the difference.  Giving of  ourselves creates a deep love in our being that radiates and spreads out from us.  This creates a light that is attractive to others and thus continues the circle of love.  Happiness then is bound to be found in that circle.

That is not what I want to focus on here today however.....  lol  Of course not that would be to light and fluffy and no lesson for me is without its shadow and the under workings of the blissful live in the light teaching.

 Do you believe we choose our own feelings?  I do.

I need to keep saying that over and over in my mind.  This is a concept that I am just learning to grasp.  I have placed all of my happiness in the outer world around me, for my whole of this existence.

  I have battled with the demons of money providing happiness for me.  I rose to the top of a cash cow career only to find such loneliness and despair sitting on top of my pile of money.  Money did not provide that happiness.  Even if it was made working in a field that helped people.  Originally my job brought me a tremendous amount of happiness.... Money corrupted it.

I changed my body drastically.  Worked very hard at sculpting it into what the magazine covers show as beautiful.  I did benefit greatly from a well rounded diet and exercise  but looking in the mirror I still saw an ugly body.  I never let go of the image of being overweight.  The  new attention of men flirting with me provided instant happiness, which in the end became grossly corrupted.

I stayed in a marriage for ten years longer then I should have, because I was told I would be a fool to 'let this one go'.  I was miserable inside but masked it.  Striving to please everyone around me.  Now this is not so much an example of me seeking happiness as an example of the way society see's happiness (therefor making me happy through everyone else's peace in the status quo).....through marriage and coupling.

The reason why I struggle with this today is even though I have all those blaring awareness's from my past of what happiness is not for me, I still struggle with putting my feelings in the hands of others.  Last night a good friend, after being asked for his advice was honest with me and told me some things I didn't want to hear about myself.  My first thought was.... he made me sad.

I had to hold tight to this new concept of the idea that nobody has the power to make me sad, but me.  I choose that feeling.  Did I like what he had to say... No.  But I can choose how to react to the words he said. There was truth to what he said, thats why it stung me.  I have found in the past if something stings me its because I am not okay with it in my life or within myself.  He poked a wound that was already starting to fester for me.    **A future side note, I cannot remember who or what this person said otherwise I would include it, I am a bit frustrated that I was not courageous enough to share it at the time, but whatevs I guess**

This morning upon waking I was feeling sorry for myself and planning a self fulfilling prophecy upon the words he had spoken last night.   Choosing to continue and even get vengeful and rebellious in my mission to  follow through with the pointed  out behavior.  This is where my happiness factor comes in to  play.

Letting his advice effect me so negatively also pointed to other ways I am still putting my feelings in to other people and things.  I am still jobless and even though I could hold my peace and  maintain my happiness for a period  of time I am now losing steam and becoming miserable.  I do place a happiness value on my ability to work.  With my daughter being gone for the past week I found myself  moping around my house, desperately missing her and not knowing what to do with myself.  Again my happiness is placed into her small hands.

Giving my feelings to others is giving my power away.

I do know that happiness can only come from within.  I also know that not all my happiness is placed in the basket of just one avenue.  What I am just beginning to understand is that being happy with who I am at the raw stripped down core of my center is the key to true happiness.  Service helps me feel better about myself and helps turn that core from sour to sweet.

Yes having a job brings security that affords happiness, but I have money coming in and my needs and my daughters needs are taken care of... where is the gratitude for that?  I have some peace in my home with my responsibility at her fathers, where is my joy in that?  I am choosing to waste my time and give away my power.

 I need to walk out on the pity party I have been trapped in.  I am not my job,  I am not my body, I am not what other people think of me..... I am a product of my actions.   My actions can choose to strive for internal happiness.  I now understand that I will find happiness in each small and large action I take in each moment of now.

I am taking my friends guidance with Love that he sent it in.  I feel gratitude for his courage to speak it to me.  I am writing which creates a space of service.  I will research the Company I have an interview with tomorrow.  These actions create immediate productive feelings.... So in this moment I am .... Happy.

Woot woot!    

 Read to know.  Write to understand!!

 By George I think she's getting it!!

Thanks for reading, it means alot to me.

Love B.

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