Friday, April 12, 2013
Process of Coming to Believe
Topic: Confronting our higher powers.
What does that mean to confront our higher power? Why would we want to do this? Isn't that a crazy powerful power, do we really want to piss that off? I guess the first thing I needed to do was define what that power was before I could answer any of those questions.
Higher power, my inner self, God/dess, Father/mother, Buddha, Jesus, Athena, Ali Bobba... what ever term I choose for that day, its all the same energy for me. Its a relationship with my greater self. Greater then MY self. It is a God energy unique to me, yet connected to all. Building that relationship, as with all relationships has had its ups and downs, its trials and tribulations. I have have had to define and redefine that power every step of the way.
When I was a child I thought God didn't love me and had abandoned me. I felt alone in my life, I was a bad kid that obviously pissed God off at some point. God defined early on in my life was an energy that did not protect me and therefor was unloving. I am sure media and my atheist father aided that belief I had no formal religious upbringing so my beliefs were internal and made up through my own sense of being. I felt abandoned.
That sense of abandonment was acted out thoroughly through my teen years as I embraced the loving devil as my father, lover and best friend. I was your dark and brooding teen that had a laser stare that could eat away the goodness of your soul. I was angry. When the anger began to simmer, and it did as it's a tough energy to mantian, I learned about purgatory from my Catholic grandmother.
My pursuit of the perfect church for me was a comical one. The first one told me God wouldn't allow me to drink pop. What? Thats stupid. The second one frowned on my smoking. The third fourth and fifth thought drinking was a sin. Every church I went to, found something morally wrong with me. No where was I good enough to be part of God's posse. So I dropped all persuits of Godlike happiness and settled for my blissful disconnection.
For many years I resided there in contentedness. Raising my kids, living my life and playing wife with ignorant bliss of anything greater then myself. Life was just life. That is until I met the teacher that brought me to the Goddess. All power broke loose after that!!
The next seven years was deeply immersed in learning all there was about this female God that had never abandoned me, that had always been there silently making sure I was safe as I grew my strength from my horrific experiences What a wonderful mother goddess she was. I tapped my inner power and rose up to the heavens of happiness. It was a steady climb into the clouds and without humility the fall was not a graceful one.
I hit the ground hard. I was angry... really angry. In the pits of addiction I was once again abandoned. This time by a God energy I fell in love with. Who lifted me up, whom I trusted. And she flicked me off the pedestal like I was lint on her shoulder!! Coming into recovery I was one hopping mad woman when it came to accepting a higher power in my life.
Steps one, two, three.... relapse. Steps one, two three..... relapse. Steps one, two, three......... four...relapse, relapse....five.
I had to make peace with my higher power. The first time I was unwilling. The second time I was unwilling. The third time I was willing but begrudgingly. I had to make amends to my higher power for getting cocky and letting my ego take over. I had to forgive my higher power for not protecting me when I needed it. It took a lot of work for me to get through the resentment and anger I had towards God, in all forms he has taken in my life. It took a lot of self care in order to get to a place of respect for myself and there for my inner light.
I have journeyed with the Higher power thing my whole life. It has always been an interest to me and during many periods of my life a deep passion. I love discussing God with people, I love sharing my concept of a higher power. I am of the belief that we all have a higher power, whether we choose to acknowledge and work from that place of power is entirely up to us. I have walked with the light and also danced in the shadows. I am comfortable in both places today.
I have full trust in my higher power today in a way I never have in the past. Through confronting my higher Power I have found peace. Now I understand the larger picture of life and my small but important place within it. I try to stay humbled but empowered.