I find as I awaken it is hard to allow my friends and family their process's to awaken. I speak a tremendous amount about awakening in this blog, maybe I should define what that means to me. The twelve steps talks of spiritual awakenings as a result of the steps and the spiritual community speaks of great personal awakenings.
What does that mean?? What does that look like??
I would get very frustrated when I would read about this concept way before coming into the program of the 12 step fellowship. I would read, study and try to practice the guidelines to bring about an awakening. Program after program, book after book, spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher. I always seemed to fall short, not quite grasping it and not even really realizing that I wasn't grasping it. It wasn't until I did awaken a bit that my ignorance subsided and I could see how asleep I had actually been, when in truth I thought I was enlightened. .... oh boy did I think I was all that and a bag of chips when I had all the knowledge yet no understanding, arrogant Ego.
To me an awakening is contact with your own personal divine energy. My first awakening is when I surrendered my dope to a higher power. I thought I knew what my higher power was then, I thought I already had a relationship with that energy.... in that flood that followed the first surrender I was awakened to the fact that I indeed had not made contact nor did I have any understanding of what my higher power was. I was living in a land of intellect/feelings but void of heart connection.
As I worked the 12 steps, I would awaken a little bit more each time I moved into a new step. With each awakening came a closer connection to MY Spirit. My relationship with my higher self being built and my self love grew. With that came deeper knowledge of my life and my path. I felt like I was being downloaded with information that maybe made no sense to me but felt right in the moment so I acted on it. ( Only when in my 'God' spot would I do this.) As this relationship grew with my higher power I came to the place I am at now....
I feel my connection is established and now I am in the true maintenance stage and inner growth stage. I am tapped in to my higher self at all times and trust that. Even when I go through things like I recently did with the Jobless mistrust thing, my trust in my higher self grows. I feel fully taken care of by the divine and no longer fear my future. I worry like a human being does, but I am not gripped in Fear anymore. To me that is what awakened means. To fully live from a place of inner Love, devoid of Fear.
Now moving back into the post.... who recovers and who doesn't..... who awakens and who doesn't?
I struggle with this now that my excitement over sharing my awakening with my family and friends is at its all time high. I can see the potential of the people closest to me that have not woken up yet and I just want to force feed them the truth. I see people in the midst of recovery getting it and then slipping back again and I want to catch them and just catapult them into bliss. I so desperately want to help make their journeys easier.
However the ones that I have the hardest time with, are the people that have all the knowledge, like I did for years, and think they have awakened and truly have not. It's these people that I worry about hurting other people with their leadership. Its these people that I struggle to love.
People just embarking on a journey of awakening I can have compassion for. People that are working it but struggling, I love so much. People that are spewing knowledge but lack the courage to experience it frustrate me and try my patience. This is where I must learn tolerance. This is where I still must grow in the unconditional love department. I am not there yet.
You would think my personal experience in this area would help me feel compassion, help me love these people more, because I was there too. Yet it doesn't. I know how much pain I caused the people closest to me because of all my knowledge yet wielded from a place of fear was like firing poisonous arrows out of cupids bow.
Working the Steps or studying a book about spiritual awakenings isn't enough. We must put it into practice and live it in all the areas of our lives. We must embody the principals and experience the concepts. Step out of our comfort zones and move into something foreign. We must move out of fear and into love. We need to establish true full contact with our higher self, inner self.. Divine light.
I think for many of us, we can only get so far then we let fear take over and hold us comfortable. Its sometimes painful to keep growing in Love, too many people shy away from that and back up and sit where they are comfortable. For some I guess this is okay and I can accept when people are good with that. It's the people that keep moving forwards with their minds but not their spirits that frustrate me.
Learning to let people have their own journeys, whatever that may be is a tough lesson for me. We all came from the light and we all have great things to do on this planet. Learning to remember that is the key for me to get to acceptance. I used to believe there were good people and bad people in this world. I no longer adhere to that belief. We are all good, some of us just give in fully to fear and live from that place instead of love. The best thing I can do is to love that person back to Love and out of fear. Being angry and judging others brings me to their fear and then we are both fucked.
So here is to Love, staying in it, living in it, playing in it.... and fully embracing it. Here is to waking up to our individual truths and having the courage to fully stand in that.