Thursday, April 4, 2013

Recovering Protection

I am responsible for my recovery.  I am also responsible for my own health and the choices I make in life.

I must remind myself of this often as I fall into the people pleasing trap all to easily.  With my daughter away at her dads I find I am eating junk food that I normally would not eat while she was around.  As I am stuffing my face last night I stopped myself with a big fat, Why?

I am beginning to understand that I have very rarely done anything for myself in life.  When I lost all my weight it was because I worked for a weight loss clinic and it was good for business for me to journey right along side my clients.  When I quit smoking it was because I was the only one at work and in my family that did, I felt alienated so I quit.  Now that I am getting clean I find I rely on my sponsor and my daughter to keep me on the straight and narrow.

When do I begin doing it for me though?  Don't get me wrong I was the one that crawled my ass into the meetings because I could no longer take it any more.  That was my choice.  Today I also choose not to use because of how shitty it makes me feel before, during and after.  However as I was stuffing my face last night I was confronted with the same shitty feelings.  So why when no one is looking do I think I can get away with it?

Protecting my own recovery is a lesson that I am still deeply in the process of learning.  I do what I need to in order not to use.  I turned down dinner with a long lost friend the other night because I knew she would have a glass of wine.  I am not ready for that challenge yet.  I stay away from my using daughter when I am not in optimal mental health.  Those are acts of protecting my recovery.

What baffles me sometimes is knowing that if I continue to gain weight and eat out of control my self misery will end up leading me back to using, yet I am still acting out in this way.  Is this the acceptable form my obsession must take in order to ease back entirely?  Am I seeking a perfection that is not to be obtained and beating myself up for things that are a natural progression of letting go?  Do I need to work an entirely separate program as my sponsor has already advised me?

I question if the real issue for me is the things I hide behind.  With my daughter gone I am made aware of how mush I hide behind her.  Before her its my boyfriend and before him was my ex husband.  If I am not hiding behind them then its dope and if its not dope its food.  Is protecting my recovery really about protecting my inner being, which is that light part of me that is growing and becoming my higher power?

I guess this really wasn't about protecting my program at all.  I digressed the entire topic back to an obsession that is still riddling my mind.  Well at least there was one paragraph in here that addressed how I protect my recovery from dope.  I am sick today thats my excuse for the jumbly jibberish.   Take what you can and leave the rest I guess.

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