Thursday, April 18, 2013

Letting Go of the Shadow Side of Our Nature

I have become brutally aware of my shortcomings over this past two months.  Having been faced with nothing but time on my hands and interview process's that pick apart my skills and past experiences   What a drama that has created within the confines of my poor little over worked brain.  My Little hamsters are falling off their wheel, dead from exhaustion.

It is only now that I have been offered a job that I can relax and take a good look at the process and lessons to be learned from the entire situation.  Defects of my character emerged the strongest over the past couple of months.  Walking through these personality flaws and accepting the shadowy side of my nature for me is the only way to fully release them to the Divine.  Becoming aware is the first key to the letting go process.

I am not a patient person.  I procrastinate.  I am Lazy.   I still lack faith in my higher powers guidance for my life.  I struggle with trust in the process of life.  I am not reliable because in the past I have quit jobs and school when the going gets tough.  I have very few references because of the bridges I have burned, yet I am a very hard worker.  I burn myself  out quickly from working to hard and not pacing myself.   I am out in good physical shape, I eat poorly and fear not being able to do the jobs I have been applying for.  My experience in my field is limited.  Every interviewer can see each and every mistake I have made in my past and will not hire me.......

These have been my thoughts for the past two months.  They are inaccurate from the, I am not reliable, statement and on.

I notice how the paragraph, as did the process in my mind, began with a couple character defects.  These defects unchecked turned into negative self talk which spun into massive fear that prevented me from moving forward.  How could I sell myself to a potential employer when all I could see was my flaws??  These flaws threatened to consume my entire being.  I see now how we all have flaws, or defects of character.

 I am inpatient.... so what??   Acceptance is the second Key of letting Go.

 Once I became aware of the fact that I am not a real patient person acceptance followed.  To accept the shadow side of our nature is not to squash it and run, it's to embrace it.  How would we even  recognize light if there were no shadows to compare it too?  Patience isn't a bad thing it just is.  Procrastination is a part of my life, rising up and overcoming it is extremely gratifying for me.  Letting myself get lazy has some definite dangers.  Depression always being the final outcome of that.

So where along the line did I lose my ability to pray for these defects to be removed?  I communicate with my higher Power every night, officially, constant throughout the day as well.  How come I never asked her at any point during this two month period to help alleviate the negative side affects of my defects?  How come I allowed them to run rampant through my entire psyche   threatening to destroy my peace and serenity.  Actually they did destroy it.

What was I talking to Her about if not my state of being??

Oh right...... I was begging for a job.

Whining and complaining that I didn't have one yet.  Threatening and bargaining for my security and her service.  I was fighting with The Divine Energy.  I was in Fear.   Deep fear.  It is only when I am in fear that  my defects come front and centre like that.  Dealing with the Fear is what settles the defects.  Dealing with the insecurity of whatever it is my Ego is rising up to take control of and protect me from.  I was too lost in the fear and  lack of trust of my higher powers will for my life.  I was moving into my controlling Ego.

The moment the job was offered to me, my entire being shifted.  The emotions that ran through me didn't really make sense at first.   I felt shame over excitement.  I felt remorse over all the lost time and wasted energy from my lack of faith.  I felt humbled.

I could only surrender in this situation when I felt safe to do so.  Action is the Third Key to Letting Go

 I went into communication with my higher power and apologized for my lack of insight into my own situation.  I acknowledged my Fear of being unable to support my daughter and myself without the help of a man. I pulled out the defects that ran my life throughout the past two months. Impatience  control, distrust, Unfaithful, Laziness.....  I placed those defects lovingly into the Divine Light.  I was rewarded with relief and serenity.

The past few days since being offered the job has brought tremendous awareness to how I work through the shadow side of my nature.  How it keeps me safe when used properly and how it threatens to harm me when I let it take over.  Inpatience forces me to move forward.  Procrastination is a challenge that lifts me up and brings me confidence.  Distrust teaches me how to Trust,  Laziness is a warning of depression lurking around the corner.

Next time the process through these defects will be a quicker one and hopefully I will maximize their benifits in my world  more and get caught up  in the fear less.   The process of Growth is definitely not an easy one, but the rewards are well worth it.

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