Monday, April 1, 2013
When the pain of staying the same becomes greater then the pain of change.
I definitely fell victim to looking for a person to fix me when the drugs were removed from my tool box. I personally believe as a society we much more suffer from this issue then we do the issue of drugs, alcohol or food as a fix it all. When I came into the program I latched on to a guy that I thought had this recovery thing completely in the bag and could share it with me.
It did not take long for the both of us to relapse and head for the hills. Isolating and falling back into all the using patterns together... I was completely oblivious to the fact that even though we were together and thus not alone(isolating) that I was still in recovery and still working a program. In my naive state I truly believed this guy still had my back, was still leading me to the light.
I was wrong.
When I finally gained a moment of clarity I freaked out and was packed and on a bus back home before he even got home. You would have thought that would have ended my insanity. Nah, I am one of those incredibly slow learners. We picked up our relationship where we left off a couple weeks later, this time keeping some distance between us. I think my mind figured that I would recover at home and him there and we could reconnect when we were all well.
I never recognized that we were both latching off each other for our fixes now. I was still expecting him to recover me and fill me with the years of knowledge he had. I had a tremendous amount of expectations of him and he was drowning under them.
Now that I am really beginning to stand on my own and not need drugs, food or another person to fix me I am pushing away all those things that I leached off of in the past. Drugs are far removed from my obsession, not saying I am getting complacent and losing sight of the fact i am just one hit away from a backslide to the pits of hell, just saying that my obsessive nature is acting out in different ways. Like letting this guy go.
Part of the process of recovery for me was to walk through this relationship to see how much I indeed do hold on to people around me for my own sense of well being. Letting go of those same people has been so hard for me to do and a deep process within it self. It hurts me to hurt them knowing how much of a difference they made in my life. However to hold on to them would be to digress and start walking back down the steps and that I cannot afford. Sometimes seeing the larger picture does not help me in the current moment. It robs me from my feelings needed to be able to break it off once and for all.
I dont have any way to end this post. I am still knee deep in the process of truly breaking all the ties that bind me to my past and the ways I used to use to feel complete within myself. I am drawing off my new found inner strength and pray that soon I will be fully free of all the chaos and suffering my mind likes to create for me. Till then I will keep walking towards the light and trust in the process, however shitty it feels.