Everyone Awakens in their Own Time

I find as I awaken it is hard to allow my friends and family their process's to awaken.  I speak a tremendous amount about awakening in this blog, maybe I should define what that means to me.  The twelve steps talks of spiritual awakenings as a result of the steps and the spiritual community speaks of great personal awakenings. 

 What does that mean??  What does that look like??

I would get very frustrated when I would read about this concept way before coming into the program of the 12 step fellowship.  I would read, study and try to practice the guidelines to bring about an awakening.  Program after program, book after book, spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher.  I always seemed to fall short, not quite grasping it and not even really realizing that I wasn't grasping it.   It wasn't until I did awaken a bit that my ignorance subsided and I could see how asleep I had actually been, when in truth I thought I was enlightened.   .... oh boy did I think I was all that and a bag of chips when I had all the knowledge yet no understanding, arrogant Ego.

To me an awakening is  contact with your own personal divine energy.  My first awakening is when I surrendered my dope to a higher power.  I thought I knew what my higher power was then, I thought I already had a relationship with that energy.... in that flood that followed the first surrender I was awakened to the fact that I indeed had not made contact nor did I have any understanding of what my higher power was.  I was living in a land of intellect/feelings but void of heart connection.

As I worked the 12 steps, I would awaken a little bit more each time I moved into a new step.  With each awakening came a closer connection to MY Spirit.  My relationship with my higher self being built and my self love grew.  With that came deeper knowledge of my life and my path.  I felt like I was being downloaded with information that maybe made no sense to me but felt right in the moment so I acted on it. ( Only when in my 'God' spot would I do this.)  As this relationship grew with my higher power I came to the place I am at now.... 

I feel my connection is established and now I am in the true maintenance stage and inner growth stage.  I am tapped in to my higher self at all times and trust that.  Even when I go through things like I recently did with the Jobless mistrust thing, my trust in my higher self grows.  I feel fully taken care of by the divine and no longer fear my future.  I worry like a human being does, but I am not gripped in Fear anymore.  To me that is what awakened means.  To fully live from a place of inner Love, devoid of Fear.

Now moving back into the post.... who recovers and who doesn't..... who awakens and who doesn't? 

 I struggle with this now that my excitement over sharing my awakening with my family and friends is at its all time high.  I can see the potential of the people closest to me that have not woken up yet and I just want to force feed them the truth.  I see people in the midst of recovery getting it and then slipping back again and I want to catch them and just catapult them into bliss.  I so desperately want to help make their journeys easier.  

However the ones that I have the hardest time with, are the people that have all the knowledge, like I did for years, and think they have awakened and truly have not.  It's these people that I worry about hurting other people with their leadership.  Its these people that I struggle to love.

People just embarking on a journey of awakening I can have compassion for.  People that are working it but struggling, I love so much.  People that are spewing knowledge but lack the courage to experience it frustrate me and try my patience.  This is where I must learn tolerance.  This is where I still must grow in the unconditional love department.  I am not there yet.  

You would think my personal experience in this area would help me feel compassion, help me love these people more, because I was there too.  Yet it doesn't.  I know how much pain I caused the people closest to me because of all my knowledge yet wielded from a place of fear was like firing poisonous arrows out of cupids bow.

Working the Steps or studying a book about spiritual awakenings isn't enough.  We must put it into practice and live it in all the areas of our lives.  We must embody the principals and experience the concepts.  Step out of our comfort zones and move into something foreign.  We must move out of fear and into love.  We need to establish true full contact with our higher self, inner self.. Divine light. 

 I think for many of us, we can only get so far then we let fear take over and hold us comfortable.  Its sometimes painful to keep growing in Love, too many people shy away from that and back up and sit where they are comfortable.  For some I guess this is okay and I can accept when people are good with that.  It's the people that keep moving forwards with their minds but not their spirits that frustrate me.  

Learning to let people have their own journeys, whatever that may be is a tough lesson for me.  We all came from the light and we all have great things to do on this planet.  Learning to remember that is the key for me to get to acceptance.  I used to believe there were good people and bad people in this world.  I no longer adhere to that belief.   We are all good, some of us just give in fully to fear and live from that place instead of love.  The best thing I can do is to love that person back to Love and out of fear.  Being angry and judging others brings me to their fear and then we are both fucked.  

So here is to Love, staying in it, living in it, playing in it.... and fully embracing it.  Here is to waking up to our individual truths and having the courage to fully stand in that.

Are You Living YOUR Reality?

I have spent a lot of years playing with the concept of creating our own realities.  Before the book the Secret came into existence my mentor taught me the power behind my thoughts and actions.  During active addiction I knew that I was choosing to numb out instead of deal with  life.

It was too hard, too challenging to do the things I knew needed to be done in my life in order for me to truly be happy.  I couldn't end my 17 year marriage   I had tried for so many years and just could not find the strength to cut the ties that bound me to my ex.  So I stayed and tried to manage my misery in secret.... I found relief in the poison from my youth.  That escalated until I was using hard drugs and my marriage naturally fell apart from that instead of me having to balls up and own it as my inner desire.

My reality then became pretty dismal because of all the guilt I heaped on myself from not manning up to the ending of our marriage   It could have been handled so much more gracefully.  Many people got hurt from my lack of courage and integrity in that situation.   I made a mess of the already messy life I had.

 I was sick and tired of hearing about my responsibility for the reality I created.  I was afraid of my thoughts and forced my own inaction.  I stayed in my misery even outside of the marriage.  Thats when my reality really crashed because I had to face the real truth of the situation.  I was the problem not the marriage.  I was always the problem not the reality out side of me.  The world wasn't shit, I was.

Now that I am working a solid program of recovery and have began to recreate my life.  I am creating the reality I had set out to do prior the end of my marriage.  Before my crash I could envision what kind of reality I wanted.  I started to create that reality but many things had to shift.. including my marriage   Today now that I am free of that Vow,   I am single and blissfully happy.  I am embarking on a career that empowers me and awards me independence.  I am raising my second daughter the way I always wanted to my first one.  Life is good for me today.  I am living the vision I originally had for my life years before the destruction took place.

I don't have any problems with life on life terms, I live with no delusions that life is perfect.  I actually welcome the challenges that come my way, for each one I get through I feel stronger and more capable of mastering this world.  My reality is finally one that brings me full joy.  It took me a very long time to get here though and I am fully aware I have only scaled a few feet of my happiness mountain   I am looking forward to just how great the creation of my reality can and will become with the Divine driving my chariot.

How good can your reality get??

Where do you put your Energy?

How much energy do we put into things, places, people and situations?

   I am becoming acutely aware of how much energy it takes to start a new job.  Especially one that is physically demanding as well as draining to the ol' mind.   Seems fitting that today's reading is about where we put our energy.

In addiction I was all consumed by my drug of the moment.  I could care less about work, family or relationships.  I just wanted to get loaded and that was it.  Looking back now I can see how emotionally exhausting it was to live in obsession to that degree.  How much energy it took for me to maintain that level of unhealthiness.  But it didn't matter to me because thats all I could focus on.  Thats what obsession is... clears all balance out of your life in exchange for that one fix.

I thought that the focus of my obsession was what gave me energy and for me to survive I needed more of it.  Now I can see clearly how wrong that assumption was.  I get my energy from my higher power, from my own inner light, from the source that powers me.  I tap that energy through prayer and meditation.  I recharge when I sit in quiet with myself and listen to my own deep breaths and feel my own heart beat.  I connect with the divine energy of all when I do this practice daily.... some times several times a day.

Starting this new job and integrating back into society has woken me up to a few things about energy.  I am freaking bagged!!  It takes a lot of work to push my physical body to keep up with my daily expectations at work after being out of work for three months and prior to that working a job that afforded me lots of down time.  I have gained thirty pounds in two years from my lack of physical movement but I am certain this job will drop them by the end of the week!!  It feels amazing to be moving my body again and doing the work that I have always done and loved, but I am feeling the pain.  My body is done at the end of my day.

What surprised me however was not the energy it takes to move my body after years of inertia, its the amount of energy it takes to re awaken my brain.   Learning new things, pulling things from my memory long ago buried and needing to be focussed in one avenue for over 8 hours is truly energy sapping.  I forgot how much the brain is a muscle like any other in your body and if it is not worked out regularly it gets slack too.  This job is pulling and pushing the muscle in directions it has not been in years, some information being pulled is over ten years old!!  I love it.  It takes huge energy though and a different type of energy then obsessive focus takes.  I can't really explain the difference for I lack full understanding of it myself.

At one point during the afternoon yesterday my brain actually shut off.  I was just blank, zombified for a good hour.  I couldn't pull any information and was just fried, doing menial tasks till I got back online.  It was crazy.  I overloaded the circuits, had no more energy to run it.  I had to refill.  It was kinda scary for me and reminded me to slow down and pace myself lest I burn out entirely.  Spreading myself too thing is a very real danger.

  No wonder when i was in active addiction I could not focus on anything other then my addiction... it took all my energy.

Finding balance now is the key for me.  I can see how easy it is to fall into the workaholic trap.  I have been coming home every night and taking long luxurious baths and following that up with a girly self care pampering routine.  I am spending time with my daughter cuddling making sure I keep my priority straight where she is concerned.  And now I am getting back to writing here, keeping my recovery alive and well.  I focus on my home group meeting each week and let the others slide.  Energy management.  When my emotions flare like they are today I pull out my step working guide and get writing.  Keeping myself healthy is the key to balance.

I can see how keeping all the plates spinning at once is a learned art and one for which should be taken slowly.  Recovery, Parenting, Work.   That is all I have the energy for this week.  Maybe next week or the week after I can add back in family relationships and my friendships.  That should keep me at full energy for the summer at least.  Life in recovery is the most amazing gift I have ever received   Learning how to live has been the coolest journey I have been on yet.  I will keep on trudging the happy road to my destiny!!

Where do you put your energy?

Letting Go of the Shadow Side of Our Nature

I have become brutally aware of my shortcomings over this past two months.  Having been faced with nothing but time on my hands and interview process's that pick apart my skills and past experiences   What a drama that has created within the confines of my poor little over worked brain.  My Little hamsters are falling off their wheel, dead from exhaustion.

It is only now that I have been offered a job that I can relax and take a good look at the process and lessons to be learned from the entire situation.  Defects of my character emerged the strongest over the past couple of months.  Walking through these personality flaws and accepting the shadowy side of my nature for me is the only way to fully release them to the Divine.  Becoming aware is the first key to the letting go process.

I am not a patient person.  I procrastinate.  I am Lazy.   I still lack faith in my higher powers guidance for my life.  I struggle with trust in the process of life.  I am not reliable because in the past I have quit jobs and school when the going gets tough.  I have very few references because of the bridges I have burned, yet I am a very hard worker.  I burn myself  out quickly from working to hard and not pacing myself.   I am out in good physical shape, I eat poorly and fear not being able to do the jobs I have been applying for.  My experience in my field is limited.  Every interviewer can see each and every mistake I have made in my past and will not hire me.......

These have been my thoughts for the past two months.  They are inaccurate from the, I am not reliable, statement and on.

I notice how the paragraph, as did the process in my mind, began with a couple character defects.  These defects unchecked turned into negative self talk which spun into massive fear that prevented me from moving forward.  How could I sell myself to a potential employer when all I could see was my flaws??  These flaws threatened to consume my entire being.  I see now how we all have flaws, or defects of character.

 I am inpatient.... so what??   Acceptance is the second Key of letting Go.

 Once I became aware of the fact that I am not a real patient person acceptance followed.  To accept the shadow side of our nature is not to squash it and run, it's to embrace it.  How would we even  recognize light if there were no shadows to compare it too?  Patience isn't a bad thing it just is.  Procrastination is a part of my life, rising up and overcoming it is extremely gratifying for me.  Letting myself get lazy has some definite dangers.  Depression always being the final outcome of that.

So where along the line did I lose my ability to pray for these defects to be removed?  I communicate with my higher Power every night, officially, constant throughout the day as well.  How come I never asked her at any point during this two month period to help alleviate the negative side affects of my defects?  How come I allowed them to run rampant through my entire psyche   threatening to destroy my peace and serenity.  Actually they did destroy it.

What was I talking to Her about if not my state of being??

Oh right...... I was begging for a job.

Whining and complaining that I didn't have one yet.  Threatening and bargaining for my security and her service.  I was fighting with The Divine Energy.  I was in Fear.   Deep fear.  It is only when I am in fear that  my defects come front and centre like that.  Dealing with the Fear is what settles the defects.  Dealing with the insecurity of whatever it is my Ego is rising up to take control of and protect me from.  I was too lost in the fear and  lack of trust of my higher powers will for my life.  I was moving into my controlling Ego.

The moment the job was offered to me, my entire being shifted.  The emotions that ran through me didn't really make sense at first.   I felt shame over excitement.  I felt remorse over all the lost time and wasted energy from my lack of faith.  I felt humbled.

I could only surrender in this situation when I felt safe to do so.  Action is the Third Key to Letting Go

 I went into communication with my higher power and apologized for my lack of insight into my own situation.  I acknowledged my Fear of being unable to support my daughter and myself without the help of a man. I pulled out the defects that ran my life throughout the past two months. Impatience  control, distrust, Unfaithful, Laziness.....  I placed those defects lovingly into the Divine Light.  I was rewarded with relief and serenity.

The past few days since being offered the job has brought tremendous awareness to how I work through the shadow side of my nature.  How it keeps me safe when used properly and how it threatens to harm me when I let it take over.  Inpatience forces me to move forward.  Procrastination is a challenge that lifts me up and brings me confidence.  Distrust teaches me how to Trust,  Laziness is a warning of depression lurking around the corner.

Next time the process through these defects will be a quicker one and hopefully I will maximize their benifits in my world  more and get caught up  in the fear less.   The process of Growth is definitely not an easy one, but the rewards are well worth it.

The 11th Step At Work

Topic:  Acting As If

'Fake it until you make it' was a more common term for me before coming in to the Program.  I had been introduced to this way of thought when I began my spiritual practices with The Goddess.  I practised the concept without having really any understanding or proof that it worked.  Even though my practice was insecure and only half hearted, several years later I began to see the proof.  I grew in my spiritual abilities and my life began to change because of it.  Reflecting back today causes my breath to catch over several fake it moments that I now realize were not faking it at all.

When I changed careers in 2007 I found myself in a social circle way out of my comfort zone.  My co-workers,  my clients and my new friends were of a much higher social class than I had ever been privy too.  I loved my job so much that I really began to act as if  I was always one of them.  I felt like a fake in the beginning, it was very hard for me to learn new standards of living.  

I was surprised when I began to learn that all the people that I believed to be of a higher social status then me were all exactly like me.   As I became friends with this supposed higher class, I was confronted with the hard facts that they just managed their finances better then I did, or they managed their social interactions more confidently then I had.  These people were not of a different social class then me they just had different skills in the social arena then I did.  Every one of these new acquaintances started somewhere.... the same place I had spun circles for most of my life.

That fake it till you make it situation showed me that no matter what path your taking in life you don't have all the expertise in the beginning    You must learn.   Pretending that you already know gives you the confidence and passion to take that first step.  Having confidence puts you in a place of being able to ask questions and ask for guidance,  it does for me any ways.  When I feel stupid I just want to cower and hide.  Underneath I felt stupid, but on the outside I was self assured.

Taking this into my life today and back to the original paragraph, I am experiencing an 'act as if' process in my life.    When my previous job ended I spent much time in Prayer.  I know with out a doubt I have good communication with my Higher Power.   During that prayer I felt a deep desire to apply for this specific company within my chosen field of work.  Within days of the job ending I made contact with this employer and set up an interview.  That interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts.  I played a game of chase and tag with the owner of this company for the next two months.

In the meantime I was applying for other jobs and becoming completely discouraged over the lack of productivity that Gods plan was having in my life.  I began doubting my direction.  I lost faith in my Higher Powers ability to take care of me.  Panic and fear started to seed as I began to explore new options.  I lost my confidence to act as if and depression began to threaten to eat me whole.

Finally, Yesterday after a fabulous interview last week I was offered the position God had put in my heart originally.   After I got off the phone with my new employer, I was surprised by how I was feeling.  I lacked excitement.  After all the fear and all the places I applied I finally had a job, yet I could not muster any joy.   

I soon understood, that I always knew I was going to get this job.  The feelings I had were actually feelings of shame for not trusting my higher power to carry my through.  I had just about sabotaged this position.  I had been so frustrated with my lack of understanding that I could not act as if.  I was losing my confidence and my job hunt was suffering because of that. All I could see is all the regrets I had in previous jobs, all my failures and mistakes.  I could only see all the places I had let people down.  By the last day before the job was offered to me, I was completely of the mind set that I was absolutely unhirable.   I lost trust.  I lost faith.

Acting as if has shown me that no matter how large or how small the situation is, by acting like you already own it keeps your mind in a healthy place.  A place of positive dreamscapes and encouraging words.  Losing the As If in our lives takes out the Hope, leaving us with melancholy and despair.

I have hope again today and spent a long time in meditation last night making peace with my higher power.  I feel my spirit coming alive and the nervousness of starting a new job threatening to bring up my yesterdays eats!  Yup Life is Good again!!  Acting as If, back on the agenda as I embark on a new journey and new job!   Fake it till you make it, suckas!

Find the Similarities to Strengthen Unity

The program I am working today involves the 12 steps and the 12 traditions.  I would like to discuss Tradition three today instead of the daily reading that speaks about keep coming back.  I have raved lots over the past few months about how much the fellowship and program has to offer to people wanting to access that.  Last night I read Tradition three and found my mind wanting to play in that park for today.

So thats where I shall play.

Tradition Three states that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using.  I enjoy working the traditions in my life almost as much as I like working the steps.  I have heard it said several times that the steps keep me from killing myself and the traditions keep me from killing others.  I can see the relevance  clearly.  Looking into each tradition from not only my fellowships stance as well as that of other fellowships as well helps me see a much larger picture. Allowing me to bring it down into a perspective I can fully understand.

The first  time I read this tradition I took the lesson of non judgement out of it.  However now that I am beginning to work it in my life I can see it is much larger then that.   Stating that anyone may attend a meeting if they desire relief from the drug that is altering their minds helps us accept all walks of life into the room.  Thats great, teaches us tolerance and acceptance where in the past we may have lacked these two spiritual principals.

What interests me more is two other avenues this tradition opens up for me.  The first one is the ability to see the common thread in a relationship.  People  in my fellowship all share something in common, we all struggle with mood altering substances.  That is the bond that holds us together, its what strengthens our unity.  This is the principal over the personality.  Learning to take this outside the rooms and apply it in my life is the exciting realization for me.   I am seeing the common thread in all my friendships and relationships inside and outside the fellowship.

Having the ability to see what I share in common with someone has shifted my focus away from what we are separated by.  My friends of many years who are not addicts suffered a lot  over the past few years as I tried to figure out how to be friends with them and with my new addict friends.  My family has suffered the same way.  I alienated all the people in my life that did not share the common bond  of addiction with me.   Now with learning this tradition I can begin to work a process of identifying the common bond  between my 'other' friends and my family.  I can shift the focus to the similarities we do share instead of being focussed on what we don't.

I think that focus of finding the commonality within all the people I meet will create a unity much larger then myself in all my interactions with others.  By making that a focus and strengthening that aspect of the relationship, I will be able to find security and comfort in knowing what part I play in that friendship.  I see now how many of my friends share different aspects of my being.  I am more then an addict or a Landscaper or a daughter or a seeker of spiritual truths.  My friends help me embrace all sides of me.  All of them play a part in nurturing and developing who I am.  Its through each common focus that I can strengthen that.

The second thing that is dawning light on my understanding is the cross addiction thing.  During meetings I have fallen victim to sharing about how horrible all my other addictions are.  When I write here I rant about all my other addictions.  I read about how this blurs the message for the new comer.  They may not be able to relate to your second addiction or the way you act out.  Our primary focus is to carry a message and that's one of drug abuse.  A popping awareness was shot through the core of my being as I realized my mistakes.   Spewing all my other addictions needs to slow down and focus needs to be brought back to the reason why I fell from grace.... A big fat pipe.

I am just embarking on tradition three and I am sure I will find lots more as I process and live the tradition in my life.  This program is a never ending supply of knowledge and understanding.  After two years I am far from bored.... this has got to be some major record for me.  It's why I Keep Coming back.  Ha look at that, I still managed to share on the topic today.  :)

Oh  and I got A job!!

Walking with Your Shadow Self

I am humbled and brought back into my purpose.   Yesterdays post was a rant from my Ego.  After reading through a few daily mediation books I have hidden in my over flowing book shelf's,    I found the same subtle annoyance emerging with each new reading.

Even though the awareness was dawning, acceptance was still trailing far behind.  It wasn't until my home group meeting last night that I heard the reading again. The females passion for the reading began to shine a light on the words that I missed that morning.  When yet another lady even high lighted a line during her sharing my acceptance was blown wide open within my soul.   It took the three times for it to enter my entire being... (I used to read the reading three times,  hmm.... where along the way did I stop?)   Following the natural progression of Awareness, acceptance and action......I am now embarking on action.......

I have been losing a battle with my character defect of depression.  Depression makes me miserable and begins to close my mind.   Three of the topics from the last few days, hence why the eye ball gouging attack in yesterdays post.  I was losing out on a self honesty moment, for which I am taking right now.  I have learned that my higher power gives me several chances to bring things to the light.   When I fall in to a character defect my Ego takes over and I begin to focus on others instead of myself.... that was a clue in the blog readership comment of yesterday 

My character defects are the shadow side of my nature.  I am not of the mind set that we need to be rid of them entirely.  Nor am I of the mind set that these can become positive qualities in our lives.  They are on the shadow side to provide balance and humility in our lives.  When a defect becomes front and centre and it's not acknowledged with humility it becomes an Ego issue and then you are back in your addictive personality all hell will reign if you can't tap your Higher Power of Light.

My defect of depression has a purpose in my life.  I have tried to eradicate it.  I have tried to conquer it, I have even tried to embrace it in Love.  No matter how I approach it, It is a deep unmoving part of my over all make up.  It is a shadowy part of me that serves a very real and very appreciated function in my life.   When I slip into this depressive zone I am being communicated with by my soul that something is amiss in my life.  Something is not right with my thought process.  When this is not addressed the depression continues until I am hopped up on four different types of anti depressants.

Today identifying why the depression lingers in my inner world points to the patience being asked of me over this Job situation.  I have a great prospect on the table, from an interview last Tuesday.  The interview went fantastic and I was  tentatively offered the job.   The owner however wanted to give a fair shot to each of the interview's that followed me, so he agree;d to follow up with me by Monday with his final outcome.   This prolonged waiting has my mind digging in to all the reasons he could find not to hire me.  My negative mind is in over drive.

Nurturing myself and upping the self care routine is what is truly needed here and keeping busy doing things that help me feel productive and worth something is the action that needs to be taken.   Anything that triggers a feeling of inadequacy feeds that depression.... working out feeds it today because I just feel all the extra weight.  Things that work in other reasons depression is brought on, aren't working here.  Finding the equal light objective of the shadow cause is what I realize today is the new path, or new way for me.  My mind is speaking to me about all my past work regrets, I need to counter with action that reinforces my worth and confidence to do a good job.  I am glad I finally figured that out... the day before the last day!!!

Yesterdays post had me running away because I couldn't understand what was going on within me.  I always run when I lack understanding.  For many people they get angry and fight when they are confused or feeling insecure.  I don't I run to safety and find peace and hopefully the answer befalls me then.  Although in the mean time sometimes I run really far away and get lost.   I am a runner not a fighter.  I prefer that defect over the fighting one, I see how many people get hurt in a fight based on fear.  Again balancing the defect and turning it over to your Higher Light Power is the ultimate key to unlocking the door to your full balanced potential.

So with all that said I am not turning this blog into anything other then it was intended to be.  A twelve step recovery blog.  The journey still continues for me, your invited to continue to journey with me and my crazy butterfly mind.

New Directions lead to new Passions

My analytical mind is always in over drive and today is no exception.  As I read the daily meditation for this day I was again greeted with subtle annoyance.  It seems that the authors picked a topic for the week or even month and exhausted every possible avenue of understanding around that concept.  I can respect the reasoning behind this as it helps people truly grasp the meaning by presenting it in different ways.  However I feel like I am writing the same thing over and over again.

Two things I can take from this.  My perception is limited to my own understanding and there for I can only write from that perspective.  A challenge would be to think out side of the box and think of a new way to present the same findings within my life as they have done with presenting the concepts in new ways.  Or I can take that for the entire book there really is only 10 to 12 different teachings presented in a multitude of ways and within 6 months of working with this daily meditation I will be clawing my eye's out of their sockets.

Maybe its time to revisit my plan of sticking with this daily meditation book.  As I grow I am quickly changing into the person I was pre addiction yet feel even better about who I am becoming.   The anonymous program has given me a new life and for that I am entirely grateful for.  I see how many.... many programs I have worked in my past all had that same ability I just wasn't ready for them or they were not suited for me.  Much like the daily meditation, it takes many ways of saying something for a person to grasp the concept.   It took many different programs for me to finally grasp that I was not connected to my higher power and needed to deal with my shit.

I have successfully grasped the program of recovery and maybe now its time for me to begin writing for a larger audience.   The 30 hits I get each day thrills me beyond words, that has hit a plateau however and I am still seeking growth.   Keeping myself moving out of my comfort zone is key to keeping my mind healthy.... as exercise is for the health of the body.   Lately my writings here have left me feeling less then stellar about the content.  I am losing some passion for the topics for which I write.  That is not a good thing.   Maybe it is time to move in to my life passions and let go of my passion for recovery.

I will always attend my home group.  I will keep in contact with my support group everyday.  I will work the steps, traditions and eventually the concepts in my life every day.  I will continue to be available for service to the new comers and carry the message to the addict who still suffers.  Which all of the above stated will keep me clean and on the path to my highest good.  I will stay hooked in to my fellowship.  Community is Key in this new Aquarian age.

Following the path to my highest good is what shall be the focus from now on.  I have witnessed far to many people fall into the life long counselling trap, unable to move away from their painful pasts. Finding safety and comfort within the walls of their trusted counsellor.  Stagnation and depression taking over where excitement and hope once resided.   I was one of them for a very long time.  I have known  many people get so involved in a fellowship only to burn themselves out and lose passion for life, I was almost one of them.  I am learning by watching the people within my fellowship, support group and family on how to find balance between all area's of my life.

So now the hunt begins for a new meditation book to guide these topics and take us both in a new direction!!  How exciting!!  Send your thought vibes my way and over the next few days I will receive and process them!!  I love embarking on new paths on my life's journey.  Always wondering what treasures I will find along the way.

See you tomorrow.... who knows what the topic will be!!  Oh the sheer wildness of it all!!

Process of Coming to Believe

Growth and evolution within our own skin sometimes takes us on journeys we didn't expect.  Being willing to shift and move with the twists and turns presented along our paths is the key to going with the flow of life.

Topic:   Confronting our higher powers.

What does that mean to confront our higher power?  Why would we want to do this?  Isn't that a crazy powerful power, do we really want to piss that off?  I guess the first thing I needed to do was define what that power was before I could answer any of those questions.

Higher power, my inner self, God/dess, Father/mother, Buddha, Jesus, Athena, Ali Bobba... what ever term I choose for that day, its all the same energy for me.  Its a relationship with my greater self.  Greater then MY self.  It is a God energy unique to me, yet connected to all.  Building that relationship, as with all relationships has had its ups and downs, its trials and tribulations.    I have have had to define and redefine that power every step of the way.

When I was a child I thought God didn't love me and had abandoned me.  I felt alone in my life, I was a bad kid that obviously pissed God off at some point.  God defined early on in my life was an energy that did not protect me and therefor was unloving.  I am sure media and my atheist father aided that belief    I had no formal religious upbringing so my beliefs were internal and made up through my own sense of being.  I felt abandoned.

That sense of abandonment was acted out thoroughly through my teen years as I embraced the loving devil as my father, lover and best friend.  I was your dark and brooding teen that had a laser stare that could eat away the goodness of your soul.  I was angry.  When the anger began to simmer, and it did as it's a tough energy to mantian, I learned about purgatory from my Catholic grandmother.

My pursuit of the perfect church for me was a comical one.  The first one told me God wouldn't allow me to drink pop.  What?  Thats stupid.  The second one frowned on my smoking.  The third fourth and fifth thought drinking was a sin.  Every church I went to, found something morally wrong with me.  No where was I good enough to be part of God's posse.  So I dropped all persuits of Godlike happiness and settled for my blissful disconnection.

For many years I resided there in contentedness.  Raising my kids, living my life and playing wife with ignorant bliss of anything greater then myself.  Life was just life.   That is until I met the teacher that brought me to the Goddess.  All power broke loose after that!!

The next seven years was deeply immersed in learning all there was about this female God that had never abandoned me, that had always been there silently making sure I was safe as I grew my strength from my horrific experiences   What a wonderful mother goddess she was.   I tapped my inner power and rose up to the heavens of happiness.   It was a steady climb into the clouds and without humility the fall was not a graceful one.

I hit the ground hard.  I was angry... really angry.  In the pits of addiction I was once again  abandoned.  This time by a God energy I fell in love with.  Who lifted me up, whom I trusted.  And she flicked me off the pedestal like I was lint on her shoulder!!     Coming into recovery I was one hopping mad woman when it came to accepting a higher power in my life.

Steps one, two, three.... relapse.  Steps one, two three..... relapse.   Steps one, two, three......... four...relapse, relapse....five.

I had to make peace with my higher power.  The first time I was unwilling.   The second time I was unwilling.    The third time I was willing but begrudgingly.  I had to make amends to my higher power for getting cocky and letting my ego take over.  I had to forgive my higher power for not protecting me when I needed it.  It took a lot of work for me to get through the resentment and anger I had towards God, in all forms he has taken in my life.  It took a lot of self care in order to get to a place of respect for myself and there for my inner light.

I have journeyed with the Higher power thing my whole life.  It has always been an interest to me and during many periods of my life a deep passion.  I love discussing God with people, I love sharing my concept of a higher power.  I am of the belief that we all have a higher power, whether we choose to acknowledge and work from that place of power is entirely up to us.  I have walked with the light and also danced in the shadows.  I am comfortable in both places today.

I have full trust in my higher power today in a way I never have in the past.   Through confronting my higher Power I have found peace.  Now I understand the larger picture of life and my small but important place within it.  I try to stay humbled but empowered.

You are the Tree of Life!

**Repost**

Living is a cycle. 

 A continuous cycle of learning and growth.  

Branching out into new area's.

In our world where staying the same is highly respected and truly favoured  I am not surprised how hard it is to embark on a journey of changing ones  inner self.  It is the reason why I am so grateful for my crash into the rooms of an anonymous fellowship.  In these rooms its a mentality of change or die.  The rooms create a space outside of the rat race of life where you are safe to build your inner light.

Although.......even with the change the rooms offer I see the same fear of growing as I do outside the rooms.  Keeping our minds open after the initial 'holy shit what did I do to my life' wears off is challenging.   An open mind takes courage, self honesty and the willingness to try things you might fail at.

I love the analogy that we are like tree's.  I use this visualization often in my meditative practices.  Seeing myself as a very large tree that has roots digging deep into the earth grounding me and holding me solid and un-sway-able.   I even feel my roots drinking up the nutrients mother earth has and I feel the love of Gia that takes care of me and gives me a home and food.  This connection is one that I create every morning.  I ground in that connection of Love to fill me up and give me courage to try something new that day to keep that mind wide open.

In the JFT reading today it took my visualization even further and reminded me of the changing seasons and the growing leaves.  As that wondrous tree given life by a power greater then myself, I also have leaves that are ever evolving.  They bud, grow, change colour and fall off.  This is a process the tree faces every single year.  Some years the leaves are more brilliant in colour and quantity and the years of drought they are a bit more spindly.  But they are there none-the less.    

So it is with us and change.  I have found with myself and watched with others as the new begins to fade in our lives so to does our passion and love for living.  When that love for living fades we resort to drama making and bad behaviours.   Manipulation and control begin to come front and centre in new a creative ways to keep that excitement and passion alive for us.  How I recognize this is happening for me, is when I am no longer focused on me and my own growth and I am now focussed  on others and their growth.  

To keep my life full of passion I need to be constantly learning something new and trying new challenges.  I posted about it in the past a few times about trying something new every week.  I can also see now how my higher power takes me through the process of keeping my mind open to new and exciting lessons.

I am now working the traditions like I did the steps and relating those traditions directly to my family life and how to create a solid family unit.  This is teaching me so many new ways of dealing with parenting and how I conduct myself with integrity within my family and friendships.  Of course it also helps with with the meetings I am in service to.   I am also working through the process of applying for new jobs which stretches me past my comfort zone, yet forces my mind to comprehend new data.

The whole concept behind trying new things is to continually keep that mind open.  It takes work to keep it open and it takes courage and vulnerability to step out of that what we know into area's we may be challenged with.  At first its very difficult to pursue something new and foreign but over time the mind gets used to it.  Then the process of finding something new all over again begins.  As does the seasons of the leaves.

It's not enough to come in to the rooms and just get clean if we want to recover.  The continued movement of growth is where the continued awakenings will occur.  Life will hold passion and meaning each and everyday as we continue to hold our minds wide open.

Recovery is not easy.  Living life and growing is not easy.  However after we master a new challenge the strength  courage and gratification we experience is well worth the persistence and discomfort of stretching the mind.

An Addicts Treatment Plan

Longer then one week 

between meetings 

makes one weak.

How quickly do we forget that we have a disease.  Life comes back to us in flying colour.   We get on the magic carpet to our futures clean and serene.  Jobs are fabulous, families are stronger and we learn to have fun..... clean.  Who the hell wants to attend a  meeting where we are reminded of the shit our lives used to be?  Who wants to bring down our clean high with the drudgery of the users?  

We have a disease.   Thats what reminds us of where we came from. A condition of the mind and allergy that will never go away. Does a diabetic miraculously get better just because of a new job?   Does a cancer patient suddenly cure herself because she made amends with her mother?  Does a teenager grow a frontal lobe now that she is in a romantic relationship?   All to quickly us addicts tend to forget that underneath all this new found health that our disease is still there..... in remission.

When we are not paying attention our addict is at the gym doing push ups.  Awaiting the perfect moment to kick the shit out of us.   The more we forget this the harder the whooping is going to be for us.  Be humbled or get humiliated.    It seems like a bit of common sense to me, stop treatment and get sick.  Meetings are treatment, steps and fellowship are treatment.  Stop treatment and.... get sick.

Now with that being stated let me flip the coin and work towards the reason why we should stay in the rooms, other then the above mentioned.  Let us also touch on finding balance and not having to be in the rooms every night.  Our life does not need to become completely fellowship stuff in order to stay connected.  To be honest my personal opinion on that one is....... by making the fellowship our whole life we have just transferred our addiction and have not essentially learned  how to live yet.  Living as a productive member of society is our aim.  When we come in to the rooms we do ninety meetings in ninety days because we need to build the connection.  Its the bridge for us.  Then we begin to step our toes back into life.  Re integrating back into society.   Keeping a tethered line to the fellowship is what is at question here.

Going back to the header line.... Being out of the rooms longer then a  week makes one weak.   This of course has to do with the disease aspect of our addiction, but what about the newcomer in the room?

  What about the newcomer that has resonated with you and looks forward to hearing you speak each week.  Your the only one that seems to make any sense to this person and it's your words of wisdom that keep them coming back.  Every week they know they can find you at Tuesday nights meeting and they hold on with white  knuckles for that next meeting.  If they can just make it to that meeting they will be okay. Hearing you speak will ease their tension.   ..... Then your not there.  Nor at any meetings that week or for the next month.  They don't remember hearing you share about going out of town.  WTF?  Did she relapse?  After all these years she relapsed?   Then the newcomer during the next week slips out of her white knuckle embrace and falls back into addiction.  Thinking that if you can't stay clean then there is no hope for her.

I think we tend to forget just how important we are to the newcomer.  I know for me when I came into the room I was not looking at the people that were there everyday and made their life the fellowship.  I was looking for the people that had the life I wanted... jobs, families and commitments outside of the fellowship.  I hated that I was an addict and did not want my life to be tied to that forever. (don't misunderstand that sentence though, I loved identifying with an addict because now I felt like I belonged somewhere, but i didn't want the world to know i had an incurable disease).

  Getting romantically involved with an addict was horrible for me because it tied me even tighter to the rooms. I didnt want my daily life to be all fellowship, meetings and Anonymous stuff.   I wanted the life of the woman that showed up every Friday night and talked about staying clean during a marital fight.  The same lady that talked about working long hours and staying clean.  And again the same beautiful blonde lady that spoke of raising her children amongst all of this as well.   She is the one I kept coming back to see, then she stopped coming.  So did the next five ladies I tried to follow.   It was frustrating for me.  

Today I am always mindful of that and even though I still need a couple meetings a week to keep my balance I am moving into landing a great job which will be many hours.  I have a beautiful daughter that I want to spend every waking moment with and I am rebuilding my relationships out side of the fellowship.  All these things are wonderful.  They all take energy however.  Energy I get from my recovery.  Energy I derive from the excitement and gratitude I feel when I get to share with a newcomer.    Meetings refill my recovery tank so that I can transfer that energy back out into all the things I got going on in my week.  Without  a full tank I cannot do all these things to the fullest of my light.  Writing this blog helps me fill my tank, but even this does not replace my Saturday night meeting.

I have seen so many people move away from the meetings and not so much go back to using dope, but begin to live half lives.  Miserable again within themselves.  Why is that?  Oh right.... let me remind us all once again.......because we have a bloody disease!!  This disease does not go away because we wish it away.  It is a proven fact we are not like other people, we did not choose to be addicts.  It is in our DNA.  Cancer patients did not choose to have cancer, why do we still think ourselves different?  We are not responsible for our disease.... but we are responsible for our recovery.  Our recovery is completely inclusive of the newcomers recovery.  To walk away from that is to indulge the selfish nature of your disease.... she's doing pushups and your eating popcorn at the movies. 

Missing your home group meeting this week will begin to make you weak.

Distracted away from the Future You

By far my favourite topic within the rooms of my twelve step fellowship is, Acting out.

 I love looking from the outside in, watching people come away from drugs to shift the way they deal with life.  Many of us turn to food, sex and relationships to act out through after dope or alcohol is removed. Truly not that we didn't act out that way before when dope was still in the mix.  Yet when we get clean the acting out becomes more hilarious, sometimes bordering on ludicrious.

I enjoy this topic because its the one that I am processing through the most.   I act out in so many ways.  I ramble on and on about my eating issues.  I lightly touch on some sexual stuff.  I blast anyone who will listen with my issues over a guy that I got hooked on in the rooms and now struggle to get over.  Yes I indeed act out.

Yesterday I posted about feelings and how we are not our feelings.  Our actions speak volumes and we can choose the feelings we wish to act on, or how we wish to act on a feeling.  This topic today relates  closely to that  one.   Acting out on our feelings.

This is not just a drug addicts problem, or an alcoholics or even any of the co-dependants of the world. This is a problem for anyone who lacks self discipline.  Its a large part of growth into acquiring self discipline.  I am sure everyone can raise their hands at being caught up in a love affair they knew deep inside them was not good for them, yet they continued it any ways.  The feelings too intense to ignore or discipline.  The feelings to great to even want to discipline.  Yet over time those good feelings turn to crap and we are still hanging on to that person.  Now from a place of comfort and fear of change.   This is what the addict faces when she wants to clean up from  dope but cant let go.

Disciplining our feelings is something if we were lucky enough, something our parents taught us.  Delayed gratification has tremendous impact on our sense of self and achieving quality over quantity.  I am a quantity girl.... more is way way better.  Right?    

Not?

 I am learning today that I keep falling victim to the feelings I had with this guy so long ago that I can barely remember them, yet I get twinges of excitement as he creeps back in to my thoughts.  The same kind of excitement I get when dope creeped into my thoughts.  Why is that,  when I know the disastrous end will hurt me?

Acting out is just that..... acknowledging the feeling, glimpsing the consequences and saying 'fuck it' anyways.

 I have acted out for so long that I lack any sort of discipline trigger in my mind to stop me in my tracks.  That is until recently.  And I mean really recently.    I am beginning to grasp the larger picture of my life.  I can see where it is heading on the good road and am beginning to value that end result.  The results of stability, success and overall happiness.... from within my core being.   As I see myself clearer all these false feelings and instant gratifications begin to fade into the darkness with the addict I am leaving behind.

Self discipline comes with the desire for a better future.  I don't believe discipline is an act one should attempt until they have a clear vision and passion of where they want to be. Or at least a harsh reality of where they don't want to be.   Its through motivation that people want to clear out the obstacles.   Its what we would teach our clients to reach their goal weights..... in this case, seeing is believing   If you can see your future happy and free of the pain acting out brings with it, then you will strive for discipline to make it happen.  At least thats the way it works for me.

Everyday lately it seems I am having to practice self discipline in All areas of my life and with each challenge over come I grow stronger and more confident in my ability to live the life I know I am capable of achieving.  With each fall I get humbled and keep my place by my higher powers side.

Today its seems like win win situations all around, as I head to an interview for a job that I want really bad!!

Till next time... Live in Love.

The Small Hand of Happiness

**Repost**

What is happiness?   What does that look like to people?  How do you measure happiness?  And how do you keep it once you tap it?

I am happy when I am right here in these pages writing.  It makes me even happier when someone reads my writing and even greater happy when its a good enough read that someone shares it.



.........I have had to correct that last sentence already and take out the word 'make'.

 I am well aware that nothing can make me happy, just like nothing can make me sad.  I choose my own feelings.  This has been a slow lesson for me.  The original sentences included that writing makes me happy and all the hits I get makes me happy.  What I am gonna rewrite it to say is..

I am grateful when people read my writing and ecstatic when its good enough for them to share.  Choosing to feel grateful is deeper then if I just place my happiness on someone reading my writing.  What happens when I spend a whole day on a post and I think its the best post I have ever written.... and nobody reads it or shares it.  I obviously will feel deflated if I place my happiness on the notion other people will like it.  When I come from a place of gratitude, then when even just one person reads it I am elated and if they share it.. estatic.

Do you see the difference?

Service is the road to happiness. Thats the difference.  Giving of  ourselves creates a deep love in our being that radiates and spreads out from us.  This creates a light that is attractive to others and thus continues the circle of love.  Happiness then is bound to be found in that circle.

That is not what I want to focus on here today however.....  lol  Of course not that would be to light and fluffy and no lesson for me is without its shadow and the under workings of the blissful live in the light teaching.

 Do you believe we choose our own feelings?  I do.

I need to keep saying that over and over in my mind.  This is a concept that I am just learning to grasp.  I have placed all of my happiness in the outer world around me, for my whole of this existence.

  I have battled with the demons of money providing happiness for me.  I rose to the top of a cash cow career only to find such loneliness and despair sitting on top of my pile of money.  Money did not provide that happiness.  Even if it was made working in a field that helped people.  Originally my job brought me a tremendous amount of happiness.... Money corrupted it.

I changed my body drastically.  Worked very hard at sculpting it into what the magazine covers show as beautiful.  I did benefit greatly from a well rounded diet and exercise  but looking in the mirror I still saw an ugly body.  I never let go of the image of being overweight.  The  new attention of men flirting with me provided instant happiness, which in the end became grossly corrupted.

I stayed in a marriage for ten years longer then I should have, because I was told I would be a fool to 'let this one go'.  I was miserable inside but masked it.  Striving to please everyone around me.  Now this is not so much an example of me seeking happiness as an example of the way society see's happiness (therefor making me happy through everyone else's peace in the status quo).....through marriage and coupling.

The reason why I struggle with this today is even though I have all those blaring awareness's from my past of what happiness is not for me, I still struggle with putting my feelings in the hands of others.  Last night a good friend, after being asked for his advice was honest with me and told me some things I didn't want to hear about myself.  My first thought was.... he made me sad.

I had to hold tight to this new concept of the idea that nobody has the power to make me sad, but me.  I choose that feeling.  Did I like what he had to say... No.  But I can choose how to react to the words he said. There was truth to what he said, thats why it stung me.  I have found in the past if something stings me its because I am not okay with it in my life or within myself.  He poked a wound that was already starting to fester for me.    **A future side note, I cannot remember who or what this person said otherwise I would include it, I am a bit frustrated that I was not courageous enough to share it at the time, but whatevs I guess**

This morning upon waking I was feeling sorry for myself and planning a self fulfilling prophecy upon the words he had spoken last night.   Choosing to continue and even get vengeful and rebellious in my mission to  follow through with the pointed  out behavior.  This is where my happiness factor comes in to  play.

Letting his advice effect me so negatively also pointed to other ways I am still putting my feelings in to other people and things.  I am still jobless and even though I could hold my peace and  maintain my happiness for a period  of time I am now losing steam and becoming miserable.  I do place a happiness value on my ability to work.  With my daughter being gone for the past week I found myself  moping around my house, desperately missing her and not knowing what to do with myself.  Again my happiness is placed into her small hands.

Giving my feelings to others is giving my power away.

I do know that happiness can only come from within.  I also know that not all my happiness is placed in the basket of just one avenue.  What I am just beginning to understand is that being happy with who I am at the raw stripped down core of my center is the key to true happiness.  Service helps me feel better about myself and helps turn that core from sour to sweet.

Yes having a job brings security that affords happiness, but I have money coming in and my needs and my daughters needs are taken care of... where is the gratitude for that?  I have some peace in my home with my responsibility at her fathers, where is my joy in that?  I am choosing to waste my time and give away my power.

 I need to walk out on the pity party I have been trapped in.  I am not my job,  I am not my body, I am not what other people think of me..... I am a product of my actions.   My actions can choose to strive for internal happiness.  I now understand that I will find happiness in each small and large action I take in each moment of now.

I am taking my friends guidance with Love that he sent it in.  I feel gratitude for his courage to speak it to me.  I am writing which creates a space of service.  I will research the Company I have an interview with tomorrow.  These actions create immediate productive feelings.... So in this moment I am .... Happy.

Woot woot!    

 Read to know.  Write to understand!!

 By George I think she's getting it!!

Thanks for reading, it means alot to me.

Love B.

Regrets that Lift You into a New Life

Do you live with regrets?

Better question still, do you let your regrets hold you back from living life now?

I know I let my regrets hold me back for a long time.  Its actually one of the reasons why I used so much, to numb out all those failures.  But then I had to ask myself what is failure?  Really?

I was just discussing this with a good friend, a normie, about making mistakes in life and how to come back from them.  I have always lived my life to the fullest.  Wait.  Let me think that through a moment.  I didn't always live my life to the fullest.  When I was playing wifey to my ex husband I was not living but mearly existing   When I finally peeled out of the marriage...  like slowly inching a band aid off a hairy arm, I decided I would live fully.  And I have.

One thing I am learning about taking risks and living life is that there is gonna be mistakes. I am gonna make some bad decisions and I am gonna fall sometimes.  However those falls are worth the view they provide and the lessons the equip me with.  Taking risks and  living life gives me so much excitement and adventure to carry with me forever.  I cant take possessions to my grave but I can take memories. Following my heart creates passion in my world and I wouldn't give that up for the regrets that balance it along the way.

 I am not trying to focus on the positive RaRa flip side of making mistakes.  How do I get through my regrets is what that was about in an overall picture.  In the moment however living with mistakes is about correcting them as soon as possible.  Dealing with my past regrets that threaten to prevent future growth are handled best by living the correction now.

I quit a job in my chosen field of expertise many years ago that I deeply regretted for a very long time.  That job is always posted and I have re applied three times only to be faced with an accepted amends by the boss I had offended when I quit.  I cannot fix what I broke  in that situation.  For a long time I abandoned all jobs in that field out of self punishment.  Also known as guilt and shame.  Today I am finding my way back into the field and through seeking out positions I found my passion coming back alive and the guilt over that one regret fading into the past.  .......Into the past where it belongs.

I have a choice whether I let my past dictate my future.  Letting it go and ignoring it is not an option for me.  Living amends are the path to my freedom in this area.  Seeking out to correct the mistake is the way for me.  Actively working towards letting go is the only way this analytical brain will loosen its grip on regrets.

I have also heard it in terms of keeping our side of the street clean.  Cleaning up our side of the street behind us is important.  Correcting the regrets I can and making a living amends to the ones I can't is how I keep my side of the street clean and therefor my mind is freed of shameful debris.

I try not to live with regrets any more.  Everything I experience in life serves a purpose in shaping the  life I lead and I wouldn't trade it with anyone.  I love my life.

You have to trudge through Honesty to get to Integrity

The Topic for discussion today is Honesty.

Honesty:  'The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness', as stated in the dictionary.  Truthfulness, sincerity and frankness are a few words associated with honesty. The third line in the dictionary states,'freedom from deceit or fraud'.  These are all hard hitting, obvious terms of honesty.  The types of honesty that we are already aware of lacking before we come in to the rooms.

(Unless we are of the darkest nature and this is a place of governing for us.  for which then we have our work cut out for us in the Twelve steps and that transformation is the one people cherish the most)

What about the Archaic meaning, 'Virtue or respect'.  I love the word Integrity, what does the formal meaning of that stand for?  'Adherence to moral and ethical principals; soundness of moral character; honesty.'  The dictionary also says in the second line that Integrity which boils down to honesty is a state of being whole.

Being Whole.  Whole being.  State of wholeness.......

.........And there is the ultimate truth of the program for which we so lovingly work.  That is the end result of Step twelve, after having worked the program to the deepest of our ability.  Our ultimate truth.. Our wholeness... comes from Our ability to become fully honest.

I love the concept of honesty, its perception from people ranges as wide as the people willing to journey with it.  Honesty is like layers of an onion, with each peel you realize there is still more work to be done.

When I first came in to the program I was aware of the first definition of honesty.  Don't tell bold lies.  Don't steal or cheat.  Abide by the laws, don't kill or maim, speed or run anyone over...... so on and so forth.  I am sure you get my drift.  It was the obvious path of what is honest and what is dishonest. The black and white that creates the rebellion in each of us.

 I didn't so much live a dishonest life, I was far to chicken shit for that, what I was though is dishonest with myself.  I had no idea who I was when I came in to the program.  I was what everyone else wanted me to be.  I was unable to recognize my own feelings and thoughts around situations and that caused a dishonesty towards myself.  Even when I could not ignore the screams that came from inside me when I was embarking on a situation that went against my better judgement I just ignored it.

That was the honesty that I really had to learn when I came in to the program.  Being honest with myself first.  The Laws will keep me honest in the outer world, learning to get honest within my own being was a much harder task to take on. Accountability is the issue with self honesty.   It was very uncomfortable when my sponsor would point out something that didn't match the way I was acting to truly how I felt within.  Getting to know my sponsor and letting my support group in to the deepest regions of my being is the way that I began to learn who I was.   It was through talking things out over and over that I began to define my own self honesty.

Let me inject a life example of one of those situations that I had to talk out over and over and over and over.....

Being in a romantic relationship that in my past would have equated with Love, was showered with truth as I became honest with myself.  What others seen from day one,  took me almost two years to figure out.  I am grateful for the integrity of my support group for allowing me to walk through that journey and not rob me of the lessons that I derived from that experience   As I fell in love with myself through out the course of that relationship I also fell in love with him.  It was in that state of love that I had to finally look at that relationship closely.  I had to set priorities and define values for myself and my daughter, both are forms of self honesty.  In the end I realized the relationship broke to many of my boundaries and ignored to many values.  I had to get honest with myself and walk away.

Heart wrenching.

Well I guess while I am in this open place of dug up pain let me share another experience of  honesty.

Sneaky avenues of dishonesty creep up on us as well.  I experienced not to long ago a pretty humiliating form that had me questioning the Value of my self worth.  I was at a basketball game of my younger daughter watching with my oldest daughter.  I was sharing excitedly with her about an encounter I had with an old client of mine that also has a child on the basketball team.  As I was sharing the story I was embellishing the facts.  I wasn't lying per-say  just making it more exciting by adding in really colourful words that the person hadn't actually spoken but I am sure she would have had she been in my head.  At the end of the story when my daughter was laughing at the punchline I looked up to see the person I was talking about staring right at me with a horrified look.

Boulder drops to the pit of my stomach.

 I was rudely awakened to another layer of honesty in that moment.  For the rest of that day I questioned why I needed to add all the flavour to the story.  Was the punchline of the tale not good enough?  Or was it me that needed to be seen in a better light?  In the end I realized there was a whole can of worms between my oldest daughter and myself(my main using partner) that needed to be addressed   I really needed to get honest about the type of relationship her and I have.  I also needed to get honest about my own self worth and the need to exaggerate just to be noticed.  I stumbled into a honesty mine field that day and I did not come out unscathed, let me tell ya.

There are many many things getting honest will shed light on in your life. From my experience it will be painfully humiliating if you are not willing to see it for yourself.

Honesty in the dictionary leads ultimately to wholeness.  Peeling back all the layers of dishonesty in my life has helped me to begin to unearth the universal truth that I am perfect and whole in myself.  I don't need to pretend  to be someone I am not to be whole.  I don't need a romantic partner to be whole.  I don't need a career or dynamic vocational label to be whole.  I don't need my kids to be whole.  I am whole all by myself.   This to me is what peeling the layers of honesty is worth.

When I was ready my virtues began to appear and I began to show myself respect.  We can only give  what we have to give.  What I lacked in Love and Respect during both those encounters was given to me through humility.  Now that I am no longer ignorant to Love and Respect I can pay that forward.   I pray for not so humiliating lessons now and try to stay in my integrity in all that I do.  Thats all I can do as I know I am only half way through my onion.

You Belong, Now stretch Your Wings and Fly

Everyone wants to belong somewhere.

Identification was the first shocking experience I had in the twelve step fellowship.  I speak of spiritual awakenings and how my first was during step one.  Although that was a mighty big one, thinking about it now, I am more inclined to think identification was the first true one.

Realizing that there were people out there like me.  My whole life I felt like the odd one out, nobody ever understood me or the things I did.  I didn't understand me.  Then I found the fellowship and suddenly everyone understood me and I them.  The sheer relief I felt when I came into the rooms was overwhelming.

What Identification gave me was a sense of belonging that went much deeper then my blood family.  I felt normal amongst the unnormal.  I felt for the first time in my life I could say and do what I really felt and not get a sideways look from the other person.  I shared my dark secrets only to find out others had those same secrets.  For the first time in my life I began to not be afraid to speak about what was in my mind and on my heart.  I felt safe.  Identification gave me a sense of safety.

I believe we all need to feel like we belong somewhere that is why there are so many groups out there that you can join.  Why Churches are so popular.  We all need to feel like we are part of a community.  Like minded community.  The twelve step fellowship is my like minded community and I love each person in that community like they were my own blood sisters and brothers.

It is only through identification that I have been able to find my own individual identity.  Where I have felt safe and nurtured to begin to grow into the person that I have the potential of becoming.  It was through knowing that I am not alone, that we are all connected.  I can see myself in others and others in myself and this helps me feel the positive energy that lifts us all up as a group.

When I came into the fellowship I was reading a book that was telling the story of the Ugly duckling.  Today I feel that story coming alive in my life.  I lived my whole life trying to be something that I wasn't.  I tried so hard to fit into all these different categories and boxes that my family and friends had placed around me.  I just wanted to be normal like everyone else, to stop my brain from thinking the way it did.  But I couldn't be that ugly duckling that everyone expected me to be.  When I came into the rooms I realized why.  I wasn't an ugly duckling, I was a Swan.

Recovering Protection

I am responsible for my recovery.  I am also responsible for my own health and the choices I make in life.

I must remind myself of this often as I fall into the people pleasing trap all to easily.  With my daughter away at her dads I find I am eating junk food that I normally would not eat while she was around.  As I am stuffing my face last night I stopped myself with a big fat, Why?

I am beginning to understand that I have very rarely done anything for myself in life.  When I lost all my weight it was because I worked for a weight loss clinic and it was good for business for me to journey right along side my clients.  When I quit smoking it was because I was the only one at work and in my family that did, I felt alienated so I quit.  Now that I am getting clean I find I rely on my sponsor and my daughter to keep me on the straight and narrow.

When do I begin doing it for me though?  Don't get me wrong I was the one that crawled my ass into the meetings because I could no longer take it any more.  That was my choice.  Today I also choose not to use because of how shitty it makes me feel before, during and after.  However as I was stuffing my face last night I was confronted with the same shitty feelings.  So why when no one is looking do I think I can get away with it?

Protecting my own recovery is a lesson that I am still deeply in the process of learning.  I do what I need to in order not to use.  I turned down dinner with a long lost friend the other night because I knew she would have a glass of wine.  I am not ready for that challenge yet.  I stay away from my using daughter when I am not in optimal mental health.  Those are acts of protecting my recovery.

What baffles me sometimes is knowing that if I continue to gain weight and eat out of control my self misery will end up leading me back to using, yet I am still acting out in this way.  Is this the acceptable form my obsession must take in order to ease back entirely?  Am I seeking a perfection that is not to be obtained and beating myself up for things that are a natural progression of letting go?  Do I need to work an entirely separate program as my sponsor has already advised me?

I question if the real issue for me is the things I hide behind.  With my daughter gone I am made aware of how mush I hide behind her.  Before her its my boyfriend and before him was my ex husband.  If I am not hiding behind them then its dope and if its not dope its food.  Is protecting my recovery really about protecting my inner being, which is that light part of me that is growing and becoming my higher power?

I guess this really wasn't about protecting my program at all.  I digressed the entire topic back to an obsession that is still riddling my mind.  Well at least there was one paragraph in here that addressed how I protect my recovery from dope.  I am sick today thats my excuse for the jumbly jibberish.   Take what you can and leave the rest I guess.