Thursday, January 31, 2013

I lost the Us in Trust.


...."Just for today I will have faith in someone in NA who believes in me and wants to help me in my recovery"

This reading from the Just for today Daily meditation of Narcotics Anonymous has struck a bit of a sensitive nerve for me.  I lack Trust.

I lack trust in people in the program, in my higher power, and in myself.    I still operate from a place of people out to get me most of the time.  Although logically I know this is not the case, but emotionally it's hard not to fall into that trap.  Betrayal is a very real pattern of my past and trust does not develop over night.

A sponsor is the first person in an recovering addicts life that is suppose to help develop that trust for you.  Let me share my immature and unawakened experience with that.  My first Sponsor didn't save me from my first big relapse.  I understand today two years later that it's not a sponsors job to hold your hand and live your recovery for you, but at the time I did expect her to see it coming before I did and warn me of it.  Maybe she even did and I don't remember.  All I know is what I feel, and that was let down by her.  It is not a logical feeling...again with the logistics, but it is still a real emotion that prevents me from trusting.

My current sponsor I got through an entire set of steps with but feel I never really trusted.  She seemed like she was putting on a caring show when we were together  not that I am saying that is indeed what she did but it felt like it to me.  Her and I didn't share similar experiences.

From the outside looking in people could say I am creating my own trust breaking situations and holding people up to impossible expectations.  Which is probably true hence why I am unawakened in this department.  I am in the process of moving away from my current sponsor and am on the look out for a new one.  I question myself why this is.  And I think the answer lies in this reading... trust.  I got open and vulnerable with this person and now I want to get as far away from them as possible.

Part of me believes that a fourth and fifth step should be worked with someone you don't know and can truly leave it with.  Part of me feels your first set of steps should be handled the same way.  It's a complete let go of the past, a physical parting if you will.  Or is it a cop out of my vulnerability   My ex boyfriend who was a walking Blue book used to say I could only get vulnerable to a point then I shut down.  Am I blocking my sponsor out because I can't get more vulnerable because my lack of trust?

It's not that I don't trust everyone, I do have some remarkable friends within the rooms of NA that I do trust. I have friends outside of the program I do trust.  I think for me it goes more to the level of trust that I need to pursue further.  I don't talk about my past with people, and have a hard time truly telling them how I feel at the moment.  This is such a difficult process for me and I see why recovery takes years to fully heal from the years of self abuse.

So Just for Today I will decide to trust someone.  I will act on that trust. (Or at least begin to try)

Thank you for letting me Share.

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