....'We can never fully recovery, no matter how long we stay clean.' (Jan 28 JFT daily reading, Narcotics anonymous)
Before going into what my spirit received from this reading let me first address the controversy this reading brings up for me.
At the beginning of some meetings there is a per-amble that is read called 'We do Recover'. Some addicts believe that we do recovery fully from this seemingly hopeless disease. That belief has trickled over from AA who do speak highly of full recovery. I dated a man who claimed to have been fully recovered only to see him relapse, but not before convincing me that there was some truth in full recovery.
One of my closest friends would counter the idea of full recovery by stating exactly what this reading states, our disease will never go away and she is not about to tempt fate, she will just stay an addict thanks.
I on the other hand refused and still do today to label myself constantly as an addict. To me to state that daily is to keep myself held bondage to a label that will never allow me the room to grow.
But ..... that belief has kept my rebellious nature alive and well. Thus affording me several relapses.
So maybe it's time to take another look at it, from a different angle maybe...
Addiction is much like the disease of diabetes or cancer. It can be managed but will never go away, it's in my mind and there is no way to eradicate it.
I can choose to transmute it into a new energy that benefits me and my community or I can let it run wild. Keeping it healthy means keeping treatment up. As with any other illness of the body an illness of the mind needs constant attention and care to be manageable. This is where I falter. I get lazy and run from the label ignoring the work needed to actually overcome the it.
Attending a regular meeting is part of the treatment. In the early days of recovery so you can hear the message and in the later days to give the message. Plus I now feel the power of fellowship and connection the minute the serenity prayer is spoken at the beginning of the meeting. I am filled up with a magical power beyond my understanding.
Working the steps daily, either solid straight through or focusing on area's that need attention after they have been worked in their entirety. Not rushing and understanding that I will need treatment for the rest of my life. The steps are part of my pathway, the journey of my healing
Keeping up with a sponsor, switching to a new one if your looking for new lessons to be learned. Keeping connected to a support group that understands my disease is crucial. Supports are important in any area of my life, but to have people understand why my brain work the way it does affords me a tremendous amount of relief that other supports just cannot offer.
Keeping my program fresh is the key to constant growth. If I am getting bored it's because I am not growing anymore. This I now have personal experience with after relapsing with over a year clean. If I am not moving forward I am slipping backwards.
I do fall victim to wanting to get my old life back, pre-drugs, as it was a good one. I have learned the hard way though that I must make room for NA in my life no matter what path I am pursuing because it is my treatment.
However my treatment is not my entire life, NA is but the avenue that opened up the rest of my life to me. Some people make NA their entire lives and that's okay for them, it's their path. I am grateful for their path, it's these people that built a world foundation for addicts to recover. For some members NA is ten percent of their lives and it's enough treatment for them and then they live a very productive life in society.
For today coming off a relapse I am making Narcotics annonymous sixty percent priority in my life and my girls and household forty percent. In a few months whn I go back to work I will need to flip those numbers. I do know however that when I am in the recovery percentage of my time I am fully one hundred percent focussed on recovery
I just kept trying to move back out into the world too soon and without keeping a line tightly tethered to NA and my treatment plan and I ended up sick each time.
At over 90 days clean, yet two years in active recovery I am tired of getting sick. I am the only one in full control of my treatment. ....So Just For Today I am an addict every day, but today I have the choice to be a RECOVERING addict. I will make that choice by practicing my program.
Thank you for letting me share,