Friday, January 25, 2013
Heal Yourself and You will Heal Others
...We see it happening among us everyday. This miraculous turnabout is evidence of a spiritual awakening. -Basic text p.51
Watching others grow in the program is what has taught me that it works. Upon entering the rooms of NA I was a beaten soul, completely lost and without hope, confused and scared shitless. I didn't follow the guidance of the recovered addicts that went before me and I just kept relapsing. This reading speaks to where I have been and now where I can enjoy the experience of watching others come into the room in the same shape I was in then and know that if they work the program to the best of Their ability they will regain some hope in their lives.
For me through watching others who came into the rooms at the same time as me, who share the same original clean date, take one year tags and yesterday two year tags. Thats where the miracle of trust has developed for me. I couldn't do it for myself when I first came into the rooms, my self loathing still far to deep even if I was utterly destroyed. Watching my dearest friend work her ass off to take that first year as I was just coming back from a harsh relapse was the most humbling experience for me.
I remember the pain and the joy I experienced that night as I shared my congratulations with her and a packed room. Trying so hard not to make the sharing about me, I focused on where we both were when we came into the rooms and how she was this beautiful strong flower now blooming wildly and with so much color. The whole time inside I was almost withered and dead. I had just spent the last four months in a white cocaine cloud with my supposed to be recovering addict boyfriend. My life had taken an opposite path as her shortly after we both took our 60 day tags. I was just getting back on path then and the harsh reality of the turn I took was underneath the words of pride I felt for her sticking to the straight good road.
Do the work and reap the benefits, it's a simple program they say. As her family shared how much their lives had changed because of their mom getting clean I was faced with more of my own harsh realities. I just kept dragging my kids through the mud. It was that meeting where I made a solid commitment to myself to put in the work.
I can't sit here and say I didn't relapse again, because I did, twice. However they were slips and I came back almost immediately. I worked the twelve steps and built an incredible support group up around myself. Because of working so hard on my program I can honestly sit here and say I feel hope again, I feel my life beginning to mend and as I watch the newcomers come in I am filled with compassion for where they are at.
This reading reminds me to take a gentle approach to my over zealous want to help them and show them the light. It was the over zealous sponsors that scared me off in the beginning A wounded animal has no trust and needs space to come to you. This is why we let them reach out to us.
So Just for Today, I will find joy in witnessing the Recovery of another.
Thanks for letting me share.