I just posted in my other blog about the importance of taking a day for yourself, yet struggled internally with myself.. Wondering if I was isolating or really needed some down time. I am made aware of the strong desire to isolate when I am going through some feelings.
Reaching out is the hardest thing for me to do. I always feel like I am imposing on people. Why would they want to hear about my problems?? Thats the resentful part of me, the self centered part has different reasons for not reaching out. What will the person want in return for helping me through something? Much of the time I think that it's better just to work through it myself and not get others involved they just complicate things.
Except now having worked through an entire set of twelve steps, what I seen as complication before was actual healing and healing is sometimes a messy process. Reaching out is about healing and getting better from whatever it was that caused you to want to isolate in the first place. We all have a story and each of our stories involves a level of pain and hurt that has caused some of us to close up and protect.
We are not isolated beings at birth, we are social creatures and need that interaction. Without it we die slowly. It's a proven fact that a baby that does not get held, will surely die. That does not change as we age, our bodies may physically survive but everything within us fades into the darkness.
Today I want to be alone, is it isolation or is it just wanting some alone time? I struggled hard with this when I was cancelling my appointments and planning for a day of watching movies. As I began beating myself up, I stopped myself and checked my past few days and the next few days... they are all packed with being around people and fellowshipping. I don't believe I am isolating, I believe I am practicing self care and recharging. Learning to spend time alone with yourself I think is very important as well. A saying in the rooms... 'An addict alone is in poor company indeed'... I think in the first part of recovery this is indeed true, but there comes a point where we must learn to love ourselves and spend quality time with getting to know who we are.
I am a person that takes all advice to heart and when it doesn't work for me I blame and cut the source out of my life.... Learning to be more tolerant and accepting has been a process. One that I am sure I will still be working through for years to come. Not everyone is the same even if we have similar appearances or similar behavoirs. We are all unique and not all advice will work for us. Learning to listen to your body, mind and spirit is the practice I think to tapping your intuition and seeing what advice works for you or not. I have been so disconnected from all aspects of myself that this is the true lesson I am facing. Building trust with myself.
So looks like a nice day home, relaxing and watching movies! I will get back to the grind tomorrow.