Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Are you ready to take Action?
....."Do we understand that we have no real control over drugs
Reading the daily meditation in a, 3x with your heart style, has opened a whole new door of understanding for me. If you missed the post a few back where I discussed the new way taught to me to read the JFT, I encourage you to skim back and find it. It is a highly effective way to receive the spiritual lesson contained within the words.
Step One says we are powerless over Drugs and that we must surrender this. In the beginning I must admit the overwhelming feeling I got from working the questions in the Surrender section of Step One all inclusive. I thought that was it, the miracle happened and now I was cured. :):):) Always wanting the instant gratification, this program met the bill. For about five minutes anyways.
Taking the step to clear my house of all dope was a sad process, I felt like I was saying good bye to my best friend. Yes a friend I now hated and whom had destroyed my life so I was as equally happy to kick the grass to the curb, but I had to acknowledge my sadness too. Treatment taught me to grieve dope like the death of a loved one and to allow the process to unfold in it's own way. ...Ya two years later and only 90 days clean, kinda ignored that advice, didn't I?
As my program moved further I had to limit contact with my oldest daughter who was my main smoking buddy. This was the hardest thing i have had to do in recovery. She didn't understand it and I didn't want to do it, but I just kept relapsing when we were together. Each relapse was worse and I got meaner to her each time, beginning to blame her... which was a very dangerous place for me to be in as I already alienated my mother from my life from the same blame. I couldn't lose another family member that way. So for months we only talked on the phone until I felt that we could have a brief family dinner together. We have worked our way up and can now spend an evening hanging out as a family with many rules and constant follow up about not discussing drugs current or past. She has finally gotten it and now is a bit more supportive of where I am coming from. However I needed to take some tough action in this area.
My recovery still grows today with the Sponsorship side of things. I still feel like I self sponsor and need to let go of that and begin reaching out more with major decisions and even small decisions in my life. I see that step one is a constant action step. Sometimes I get tired and weary of the constant climb. Then i remember how great that last step with my daughter was and now feel re-motivated to seek out a sponsor that I can trust to help guide me in my recovery.
Where feelings are concerned many other addictions have manifested themselves to help me to still avoid my feelings. A step one is being constantly worked on each and everyone of those ways of avoiding as well. I guess when I really come to think about it, Step 1 is gonna be my daily companion for a very long time. Peace they speak about in the reading today has not been achieved by me yet, I am still learning to get there... maintaining will be a whole new Step to climb. Man, by the time I am there My head will surely be in the clouds looking right up Gods Skirt!!
So Just for Today I will take all the action necessary to practice the First Step. I truly believes it applies to me. ( One foot on Step one and one on Twelve.... Look at me doing the splits!!)
Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.