...." We must give freely and gratefully that which has been freely and gratefully given to us"
http://www.12step.com/articles/narcotics-anonymous/na-just-today-daily-meditations
This reading is a gentle nudge forward for me. For the longest time I have kept myself in the newcomer category taking in and absorbing everything I can. These past few months i have felt the pressure to begin giving back and have gotten pretty resentful about it. Claiming that the newcomers were sick and I didn't want to get sucked back there again, so no thanks I will continue to stick to the old timers and draw off their energy.
Spirit can be pretty brutal when you open your mind to what your higher power has to say.... I am experiencing that right now in this moment, that above paragraph is not what I had intended to write about this JFT. Ugh. (pausing to reflect) Awareness is the first step, acceptance is the next one. I guess I have been in this phase for a little bit just not aware of it. I knew I had to move forward lest I slide back again as I have numerous times. The fear of taking another step forward holding me to the comfort of what I know works.
One of my reasons to relapse in the past was the fellowship and how sick they all are and how I want no part of that. Completely arrogant about the fact that I too was and am still sick as well, otherwise I would not have fallen roughly into the rooms in the first place. When I did stumble in my first sponsor caught me and Loved me so fully and completely that I couldn't stand the affection. It was so Alien to me. But she just kept on loving me even when I lashed out and was rude to her. She was practicing this reading, she was giving back what was given to her when she walked in the room... Love.
Newcomers will never get better if they don't receive the Love that was given to you. It really does not matter how much clean time you have, if your heart is opening it can be shared. Acts of kindness are so tiny yet make such a huge, huge impact on the receiver A newcomer may not have the answers yet, or the spiritual awakenings to share but they have a set of arms to hug with, or a pair of eye's to smile with.
Now that I have worked the Steps and have had several awakenings it's time for me to move beyond accepting that it's time for me to give back and actually take some action. I have set up a womans only meeting that is doing fairly well. My service to the organization is growing, yet I still have not reached out to a person, just created a platform. My next challenge will be to begin making friends with the broken women that walk through the doors. It's now my turn to catch a stumbling woman and love her back to health.
It's the circle of life... Keep the love flowing. Hording it turns it toxic within your soul, I have learned from personal experience. Love needs constant expression to grow within you.
So just for today the gift of recovery grows when I share it. I will find someone with whom to share it.
Thank you for letting me share
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