The power of positive thought. You control your reality. What you see around you is what you have created for yourself. You choose your feelings each day. You choose your thoughts each day.
These are all beliefs that I have come to live by. I have a good life because of these tried and true beliefs.
I am swinging the pendulum back into depression.
For the past few weeks.... hmmm... maybe more stretching into a couple of months.... I have been working over time to counter my negative feelings with positive thoughts. I have engaged in all the happy activities that pull me out of the slums of my mind. I have even accepted that I am not really in a truly happy phase of my life today in hopes that this acceptance and action will change the course of these blues.
I have even fell victim to my old ways and sought out distractions. All the distractions that once worked are no longer holding any power for me any more. I am not getting the relief I have achieved in the past from my toxic but effective behaviors.
My beautiful therapist, the one I have been walking with the past year, not the devils mistress she has brought on board recently to pick me apart, asked me if I have ever been able to just sit with my feelings.
I realize I have never been able to stay entirely present with the process of my feelings. I have in the past been able to acknowledge my feelings. It was fun during the acknowledgement phase to begin to understand and actually meet for the first time many of my feelings. So when she asked me this I was pretty confident that I had sat with my feelings before.
Staying present with them in their entirety is a totally different ball game I am coming to learn.
I have become a master of manipulating my feelings. When I came into drug recovery the main focus was not using mind altering drugs to change your feelings. In that process I became very aware of the replacements I used instead of drugs to change my feelings. Sex and love relationships of course became very obvious and for me was the chicken before the egg in my already aware reality.
Work was another replacement for me feelings. In early drug recovery I was advised to try to take a year off work and relationships. I never understood why then, but I understand that now. They are pretty great distractions to our feelings. I can throw myself into my job and into a relationship, thus catapulting myself out of my own energy and into something else.
Another way I get out of my feelings is through fellowship and friends. Becoming overly involved in service to others is a really great way to get out of yourself....a healthy and honorable way. Not saying this is a bad thing, just like working a job you love isn't wrong or falling deeply in love and loosing yourself isn't wrong either. It's the motivation behind these acts.
All in their place and time.
Staying present with the process of my feelings good and bad, but not getting entirely sucked in and stuck is the lesson I am engaging in. Learning to reach in and not out is where I am at today. I asked the universe a few months ago to teach me how to be strong within myself. A friend said to me the other day home isn't a place you go to, its what you carry within you.
Learning to sit with my hurts and not get back together with the guy to get out of them..... accepting that I am depressed and not sauntering out to get a part time job to fill my time so I don't hurt...... letting the stings of my addictive cycles sink in and not rush out to get loaded..... Are the only ways through this phase of my healing.
I want to become fully healed. I believe in full recovery from my addictive nature. I have the utmost faith in the fact that one day I will look back at my life and be entirely grateful that I moved away from a limiting story that held me trapped in a life that was continually torturing me.
I am not an addict. I am a woman that was never taught how to cope. I am not a co-dependent. I was a woman trapped in a society that breeds dependence. I am not a Christian, Pagan, Mormon or any other cult like persona. I have a very strong beautiful goddess within me that guides me through my feelings and thoughts when I am still enough to hear them.
I am staying present with my depression so that I can understand why I create this story I am living. I stay present with the process so that for the first time I can come through the cycle and not get trapped like I have for decades.
The trick I am finding to staying present and not drowning is to stay in the moment.... every moment. Within the depression are these incredible moments of peace, which when recognized and honored lead to a deep love of self. ((I am having one of those moments now.)) Finding the beauty in the sadness. Understanding that there is a purpose behind every feeling when you are surrendered to your higher power and are constant in the moment.
Today.... I am OK being depressed. I am actually better then okay, I am.... enjoying it????