Saturday, August 8, 2015

Good Bye Mr. Beautiful Crazy

Saying good bye is never easy.   But it is easier when you have many distractions surrounding you.

I am in a new apartment.  Moved from my three bedroom townhouse that I originally acquired with bad boy number two, or, was it bad boy number three,    ...well the crack addict anyways,   that I had to kick out after only a month of living there.  My new apartment is free of any tainted memories and much more manageable two bedroom bottom floor apartment.

I am in a new job.  Actually care-taking the new apartment I have just moved into.  I have well over thirty full grown beautiful thriving trees to prune on my property and a football field worth of grass to green up along with four flower beds to create.   Forty six apartments to serve by keeping the halls and laundry rooms cleaned.  This is a stress free job for a great wage and reduced rent.  Heaven in my reality.

My life is perfect for the letting go process I am entering into.

I said good bye to Mr. Beautiful Crazy today.   The man that lifted me up on to a new platform.   The guy that made the most impact on my life by telling me my crazy was what he liked best about me.  The first male that I fully trusted and the first male I allowed to treat me with respect and dignity.

So why am I pushing him away?

Honestly.  I don't really have a solid answer for you.  Other then he doesn't feel right anymore.  Our conversations leave me feeling lonely and less then.  I don't know what switched where, but it did. Do you believe some people come into your life for a season, a reason or a life time?   Yes?  Well I think Mr. Beautiful Crazy was just a reason.  And now unfortunately that reason is over.

He is not the only one I have had some amazing closer with in the past thirty days.

Bad boy number 2, or 3, maybe 4?  Oh hell, I will call him what he was, the crack addict.... sent me a letter last week.  I never read it.  Ripped it up and let the pieces of paper fly to the wind.  Along with all that was left of him in my heart and head.  There was nothing good that could have came from reading that blast from the past so i didn't bother tormenting myself with it.    I am proud of my decision.

My incredibly sexy, 25 year old, hottie that swooped in and collapsed my world was the third of four goodbyes that I had the pleasure to experience recently.  I was able to do him a favor and left all the hurt and chaos created by my over active hormones on the table as I walked away from him.  Both of us satisfied with the closure.  Seriously happy for the physical amends this brought into my life.

And lastly the man that brought me into this phase of my healing last summer was given the opportunity in a weakened state of mine to lift me up and place me gently back on my feet a few evenings ago.  With no ripple effect causing any sort of harm or damage.  I will always have a soft spot in my heart for that one.  Even though I know now I will never go there again, I am content knowing I can love and let go and be alright with it.

I am happy and humbled with all four of these incredible opportunities offered to me this past month.  Its a clear sign in my quirky little reality that all is well and I am ready to move forward with the next phase of my healing.


Ugh just the word itself invokes the gag reflex for me.  Who the fuck in their right mind and in thier freaking prime would want to even play with the idea of swearing off all things men?

After too many years of crashing into the brick wall, I guess I can say.... this girl.

I am ready to embark on a deeper level of healing.  I am ready to invoke a stronger bond of creativity within my life.  I am ready to peel back another layer of the onion to see what I find underneath the layer hidden behind the random parade of men in my life.  Men are a distraction for me.  A toxic excuse to avoid my purpose and to skip merrily off my path.   It wont always be that way for me, but right now there is nothing healthy that comes out of even the best laid intentions with men in my life.

Saying good bye to the last male I had sex with today was like a release from the chains binding me to a person I no longer am and really truly never was.  I am liberated, yet at the very same moment saddened to almost a heart broken place.  I have broken my own heart.

The lack of respect I have shown myself has definitely manifested in all my relationships male and otherwise.  I am growing into this new person and respect has gone to the top of my list.  If I cant respect myself who else will be able too?   This is why I need to take a good step back and look at my relationships with men.  The same way i had to take a step back and look at my relationship with food and dope.    All void fillers.

Celibacy will be all inclusive.   With no definite time frame for completion.  This is not an all or nothing mind set.  This is a massive detox of all things that bring out the obsessive nature in me.  I want to get to know the me underneath the obsession of the void fillers.   I want to begin to create from that place within me.   My expectation is to be able to truly embrace all of myself,  now that I have easily lived and loved my darkness to its full potential.

Its easy to say good bye to the void fillers when the healthy distractions are brilliant.

Follow the White Rabbit....

More of Him:


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