Its my birthday this weekend. Coupled with the new moon and the partial solar eclipse. In my little reality of understanding that's a power house combination. I always set an intent every year on my birthday for the upcoming year. I always do a tarot spread laying out the frame work for that intent and pay close attention to the pitfalls heading my way within the intent creation process.
This year as was my intent for last year, is too see recovery wrap up in my life. I wish to circle the last wrung of this cycle that I have been in for most of my life. I once believed that I would never get out of this pattern as it is who I am. A part of me felt that it's a disease that will never be far from my reality. I no longer believe that.
Through experience I have proved to myself my addictions are not a disease. I have come to learn my addictions are learned coping behaviors and manipulation of my own chemical reactions to release dopamine on my terms. I have mastered how to keep my serotonin and dopamine levels spiked.
Not the greatest thing to master if you ask me.
When I came into drug recovery the hindsight for me was understanding my three years working at a weight loss clinic not only afforded me my own weight loss but taught me how controlling food was in my life. A piece of chocolate cake spikes a dopamine rush. I was over 200bls because I abused sugar to keep myself in a rush state.
And like dope there was always a crash after the spike thus creating an obsessive pattern.
Working in a job that is rewarding and recognition is cash bonuses, is a toxic environment for me. This is a much more recent realization for me as I am in a position now where there is no recognition for the work I do and no major thrill for me to do it. Many benefits to my job yes, but no dopamine spikes that's for sure. Money is another place I get spikes, getting the paychecks and spending them give me the highs and lows that food did. If I won the lottery it would probably kill me, it would be like the crack to my weed addiction.
And of course sex and men is the most constant basket I have put all my eggs in. That dopamine spike has the full range contained within it. Mild self play to the intense drug accompanied orgasm brought on by the hot guy. Nothing and I mean nothing compares to that shot of dopamine and serotonin in the same moment in time. Fantastic. For a moment. then the crash hits. As it does every time with every single one of these toxic poorly motivated avenues of pleasure.
My bad cop of the good cop/bad cop therapists has asked me to abstain from all of the ways I act out on my addictive nature. I have been in this process of elimination for over ten years now. Learning to eat properly was my first elimination. I know exactly when I am eating to stuff a feeling, to control my happy brain drug. She has asked me to stop that. Apparently I need to move past awareness again.
I can do that I did it for a few good years. I had wonderful discipline in the food arena. Problem was I replaced my food habits with dope. So she has asked me to quit all drugs including glasses of wine. Again, no problem, I have seen years at a time without these aids. Not worried, piece of cake..... ahhh, nope scratch the piece of cake, cant go back there.
K cant drug, cant over eat. Fine lets get busy and work!!
Ya right, the devils therapist says no money over the amount needed to just live on. No part time jobs, no extra funds to spend, no playing with money, no distracting myself with work. Fuck. Now she is starting to dig into places that are getting scary. She says I keep my addict alive this way.
Its all about the motivation behind things. Every single one of my addictions is acceptable even down to smoking a little weed to relax. Problem for me is that I have gotten so good at interchanging them that I am a slave to my addict not the substance.
And lastly all things sex and boys needs to go for the next three months.
Let me repeat that.... all..... things.....male.....and sex...... needs..... to.....be.....abstained.....from.....for.....three...... months!!!
Double fuck with chocolate sauce. That my friends is asking a lot of me. It is only now that I am starting to feel the full power lady vixen has had over me and my life. If its not food over eating it was toxic men and dirty sex. If it wasn't dope it was over working. There has always been something that I have been a slave too.
Let me lay this out more clearly. Eating healthy is a pretty accepted fad these days. lots of info available for people to understand how to eat well and the effects that has on your body. People are becoming more aware of the stresses of work and money and the bad behaviors that over working can bring out in people. Shopaholics are funny little women with a closet full of shoes and a pissed off, broke, over worked husband. Right? We have bread acceptable addictions and even healthy ways to get out of them.... but what about sex?
Sex for me folks is never with some one I love. Romance is never with a guy I am truly attracted to. Its a cycle of chase and conquer and move on. Read my blog for the past two years and tell me how many guys I have been in love with, how many guys have been the one. lol Huge joke.
Giving up sex is like giving up a food addiction. You have to learn what is healthy and what is not. I have learned what is healthy for me with substances and what is not. I am now learning what is healthy for me in my work field and what is not. I am learning what I can handle for cash and what triggers the crazy in me.
So to abstain from it all, at the same moments in time. Fuck. I will have to learn a whole new way to cope on a way deeper scale then just the one categories I have been dealing with up until now. I am grateful I have worked a full set of the twelve steps and am aware and have accepted my lack of control with my addict and have bared my secrets and am still working through my resentments. Because now I can go deeper in my understanding.
My therapist explained to me the purpose of this is to reset my dopamine levels back to normal. She also included that rewiring the brain to healthy ways to release dopamine in a more natural way where I am not a slave to it. That coupled with intense counselling around my childhood traumas.... hopefully will enhance my over all reality in the end.
It means I am moving out of the disease of all or nothing thinking. I will fall in love one day and make amazing love to a super hot guy. I will work a career again that I am passionate about. I will be able to have a piece of cake and be able to stick to just one slice again and I will be able to have a fat bank account again one day. And I can go back to enjoying a glass of wine occasionally with my dinner and have a night on the town with the girls without it ending in the random one night stand.
I know this to be true because i have achieved this in all the areas of my life at one point or another recently. I have just never tried to do them all at the same time before.
But first I must detox Lady vixen out. Oh goody. I am looking so forward to this. I invite you to journey through my discomfort with me... it will be .... joyous. not.