On the eve of my impending three month detox, I was blessed with a gift to indulge one last time in a behavior that is not so much detrimental to my being as it is unhealthy for the path I want to embark on.
I am grateful for the call from a man I can trust to take me into my last unhealthy manipulated dopamine spike.
I love how awareness works for me. Because I knew this was going to be the last time for awhile that I would play in this arena and maybe a forever, I was entirely present for each and every single moment of the process.
As the inviting texts began my heart rate started to increase. Having been with this guy several times in that past two years I know fully what to expect. My body loves what this man draws out of it. My mind is already replaying every single one of our past interactions.... of course only the highs.
As I let the memories dance in my mind I began to mildly shake. Like this rippling vibration was taking over my body. I have never noticed this before. I compared the feeling to dropping a hit of ecstasy. If you have ever experienced MDMA before you might have experienced your body's vibration shift and this flood of excitement followed by peace and intense love. I am sure its the flood of dopamine pulsing through my veins that cause my eyes balls to shake
I could almost stop the process at this point because I believe this is truly the high I get, the full anticipation of what I know is about to come. And if it was any other man I would languish in this moment as long as I could. But its not any other man its the one that has found a way to make love within the context of a booty call. Intoxicating.
Plus Lady Vixen has already kicked me out of the drivers seat at this point, there is no stopping this bus now. Nor do any of my inner beings wish for this to end yet.
True to my expectation I was delivered to the stars, around the moon twice and placed so gently back on earth it almost hurts to say goodbye. Well two days later now.... it actually did hurt to say goodbye.
The high is still seeping through my energy fields but the lows are filtering back in again. I fell pregnant with creative energy and in the past i used this energy to seek out more of that high. This is where the addictive cycle would always start for me and the insatiable desire to have another night with this fine specimen of a man. But alas...... I am in detox today.
So I choose to nurse the high, ride this wave till it naturally crashes into the sand. What I believe to be what normal people would do in a similar situation. My belly is still warm with creation and my heart is still flooded with the love induced.
Its my head that I struggle with. The flipping thoughts of wanting to contact him and the realizations that we are not meant for each other in any other compacity then this. I feel sad and the loneliness that induces threatens to crush me. Until I flip it around and feel grateful to have had a moment like this on the eve of my three month detox.
One thing that learning about dopamine has done for me is its removed the shame from my acting out. We were both consenting adults that talked about what we were doing before and after. I feel good about that. Even in a once so unhealthy it was detrimental to my life situation, I have seen tremendous healing and growth in the guilt and shame area.
It is this process that has convinced me I am close to that last level of recovery. I fully believe that one day I will be free of the pleasures that had once bound me in chains.
Sex and an insatiable desire to be loved without putting the time and energy into making something real has been the heaviest chain to bare. Food and a slave to eating my feelings away during socially acceptable thanksgivings where gorging one self is a time honored tradition. Working and making more and more and more money to buy more and more and more stuff is a silly cycle that already cost me my family. And well of course there are the drugs that stripped me of my humanness.
I have at some point or another already detoxed from each and everyone of these as I have already stated in my post the other day. But to do it all at once is only acceptable because I am on the last layers of detox. Its the rats that I feast on that are keeping lady vixen at bay and not destroying her entirely.
I have conquered her demons already. Its time now to remove the rats from her grasp and let her wither from starvation.