My little boat on the river of life didn't survive the waterfall I just had the pleasure of experiencing in a very intimate way. I did though. Not without a world of hurt however.
I read a great insight within the pages of a NA book the other day. Thats the only part of the program that still works for me here in my little city. The words on the pages reminded me of how high our pain tolerance can be. Many people in the world that have experienced trauma have a high tolerance of pain because of it.
My pain tolerance is beyond measure, I am just starting to understand.
I always wonder why my close friends get upset when I allow someone to treat me poorly, or work in a situation that is not safe. Too me it isn't bothersome. I have endured much worse. To healthy 'normal' people what I tolerate isn't okay.
My tolerance is lowering. I am becoming aware of my pain. I think I am finally in a safe enough and secure enough place in my life that the pain I have held so deep within me is starting to bubble up, releasing itself.
I always knew in my guts that this time would come. I have been deeply afraid I would explode in blinded rage and destroy once again everything around me. That fear is subsiding now. I see that I am learning to handle my feelings better. I am understanding and experiencing the benefits of walking through these emotions. Sometimes I have to seek out many opinions before I can even identify what it is I am going through. I have been enlightened to my own shedding process that is going on today.
I am almost feeling grateful for this shedding. I say almost because today and yesterday the pain has been rough. Shedding is an uncomfortable process. I have always enjoyed my own self induced sheds. Decisions made to walk away from situations or people in my life that no longer serve a purpose in my evolution or theirs, are easy sheds.
This shed not so much.
I am fully understanding the impact of moving away from a program that brought me back to life. I love NA and I really wish I lived in larger city where there were more healthy people involved with the fellowship. I don't know if I would still come to the conclusions I have. Maybe it is just the belief I have that we are always meant to be walking forward and that even means away from programs of growth. Or maybe that's just my personal situation in this specific situation. I feel we become like the five closest people around us. I don't want to be labelled as an addict.
That is the first shedding that I am doing. Moving entirely away from a fellowship that I do indeed love. It feels like moving away from home to go to college. Exciting but at the same time scary as hell. I have experienced the exciting part already as I haven't attended a meeting in months. Now today I feel the disconnection finally happening and the shedding of that part of my life. Even though it hurts, I still know for me and maybe only me, it's what I need to do.
The other shedding going on is from My ego maniac with the inferiority complex. It is really painful when you offer yourself to someone and they gently say 'no thanks'. Part of me is in total bewilderment as to how someone could even refuse a gift I offer them. Thats the ego maniac. The other part of me feels embarrassed and bruised. Thats the inferiority complex.
Walking through dating always presents challenges to the insecure person. I knew that going in. I also know one will never get over those insecurities until they do it. A few times even. I have always held the understanding that not everyone connects with everyone, either gender for any reason. Their are many people in my lifetime that I just didn't connect with and that was okay. I had no issues pussy footing around the issue that we just didn't connect, whatever it's life. Funny I never experienced someone not connecting with me before, not like this anyways.
I am shedding the skin of my ego maniac. This will be a good one obviously. Can't tell myself that today though because it means I must let down some of the confidence that keeps me moving forward. I need to find a new way to be confident thats not so egotistical. Rough lesson that one.
The best shedding going on though is that of my little abused girl. I walked through something recently that has brought up such intense uncomfortable emotions. The emotions that I thought I would never be able to handle. But I did. I opened up in a way I never thought I would be able to. I got real with myself in front of another human being... actually a male human. I was not received well and I was okay with that. I say I was okay with that because of my high thresh hold for pain... which works for me in this situation. I also say it because it helps my ego maniac realize that sometime I need to go through things and say things for my own benefit not others. The strength it took to say what I did was more then I thought I had, but I did it. I walked away from that situation feeling a new sense of personal power.
In my power there are still feelings, deep painful feelings wanting attention now. As I stand more in the truth of who I am, the more these intense feelings will work through me to be release once and for all. I can see the process, I can understand the reasoning and even see the end results. All I have to do now, is get through the feelings.
I really feel I am starting to mature. I really feel that I am getting a better handle on my emotions. I truly feel that I am letting go of a very sick person and becoming like those closest five people to me.... healthy thriving women who all stand in their personal powers regardless of what the social group thinks of them. I know I am on the right path.
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