During my bath after work to clean off the allergens that were threatening to rip my nose apart, I had a revelation. Not just about the allergens from my bosses shop. Man I am sure there is dust and dirt fifteen years old in that place. Not to mention the energies of a lot of dead and drug addicted souls as well. I am sure half the reason I was placed in this job was to help my boss clear the nasty energies away from his crew and equipment so he can finally turn a profit.
No the true revelation was born out of the stress created from my dance on the moon this weekend.
I have struggled with obsessive thoughts about the poor guy connected to my adventure. I understand this as a pattern. I hook up with someone, have a great time and then all I want to do is exhaust and saturate my self with the repeat of that good time. Why is that?
I question a lot these days what healthy looks like. What it means to self love. Before my weekend I was very content in my life, in my singledom. I wished for a little romance to ease the longing to be touched, but I was very clear with my wishes that I did not want a relationship further then that. So why is it today that I am already going back on that?
How come I get so lost so fast in this reality? During my meditations I achieve what I did with this guy. I find the same pleasure in many activities I partake in apart from a sexual union. So why then do I feel obsession/possession over this guy?
The revelation I had was that I achieved that great state of consciousness with another human being. I can do it alone during mediation but to reach it in the presence of someone else on such a deeply intimate level is lucrative to me. It is that experience I seek again. I become possessive of the person who shared that with me.
Looking deeper I realize that I have had similar experiences and going back the second time sometimes lacked that connection and sometimes it was there again. So now my mind has eased a bit back into a pleasant place of understanding something new. Obsession is that drive to have something that is thrilling for me. Now that I know I might not achieve that again all expectation is off and obsession has subsided.
I am left still baffled by how powerful obsession is. I have big plans for my life and being in a committed relationship would definitely make those dreams harder to manifest. I have learned how distracted we can become when romance is entered into the equation and I don't want that in my life right now. I want a friend. I want to make love to that friend. I want to leave it at that. But enter in my obsessive nature and I throw all my desires out the window in pursuit of that one maybe not attainable experience again.
Good ol' Christians were on to something when they spoke about temptations that take us off path. I manifested what I needed in the most unexpected way and now I must move back into that unexpecting place and continue on with my life the way I was before the weekend occurred.
I was happy in my world of fifth dimensional exploration. I am stressed in my pursuit of third dimensional satisfaction. Shifting back is I think the real lesson for me here. As I move more into awakening and how to live between the realities Transitioning I guess is something important to know.
I don't even really know what I am talking about. Its amazing how much I learn and how fast I let go of that knowledge because I learned something new that makes more sense the very next day. Good thing I am not worried about looking like a fool. I love the fools journey.
Hmmm..... So am I healthy or not?