Saturday, January 25, 2014

Sexual Healing

** Original Post 1/25/14.  Reviewing and reposting for Reminders to self. **

I am still on the topic of sexual healing.  

Hahaha and not the kind Marvin Gaye sang about, although maybe.

I set the intention this year on my birthday last September for full holistic healing.  I went into ritual and called on the Goddess Lilith, or demon depending on how you receive her.  Her history shows that she was thrown out of the Garden of Eden because she refused to be Adams subservient.  She wanted equality and he wasn't okay with that, so abandoned she became.  And thus starting women's inferiority to men and deep feminine issues that bled and festered.  Lilith's reign of anger after is all she is known for.  

I want her to teach me a better way to heal my wounds of abandonment and abuses by the hands of men.  I want her to teach me to let go of my anger so that I stop recreating and inviting the abuses of men.  Awareness of how I draw to me through the way I talk and interact with men has bloomed recently.  I feel disgust.

She has taught me a few deep lessons in the past couple of weeks.  Now that my inner critic (that inner voice that haunts us with our fears and inadequacies and holds us back from our own light) is gone and no longer preventing my intuition from speaking up and guiding me, I have been knee deep in learning experiences.  The experience I want to share most here today is the one that occurred most recently and rocked my boat the hardest.

I have such great visuals for letting life flow now.  I see myself in this boat going down a really wide river.  Almost as wide as a large lake.  Lots of scenery all around me. Always changing.  I have full control of my river.  I can choose to keep my river calm and uneventful, just flowing with serenity.  Content to just be. Seeing the beauty around me and honoring it with a grain of salt.

 ...... Or I can let creator work the river in the ways that are needed not only for lessons to be learned in my life, but to also work through the earths needs to regenerate.  Learning to control only my boat on the river, and being okay with that level of co-creation.  I do understand fully that I can control everything in my river if I so choose.  Drug addicts reign! 

 That means sometimes I will have to endure waves and storms that push my strength and mental abilities to stay alive.  I will have to maneuver large obstacles, sometimes I will have to even get out of my boat and swim.  My river trip will be exciting and eventful.  I will experience the element of surprise and have to develop courage in the face of fear.

 But then when those times come that the sunset is breathtaking I will not honor it with more then just a grain of salt.   I will have acquired a wealth of resources to honor it with.  I will honor it with a joy as deep as the fear I felt when the wave threatened to take my life.  I will see beauty so vibrantly that I wont need a gratitude list to keep me in check.

That is my new visual for when life gets harry scary for me and I am walking through something big.... Like yesterday.

I felt like my heart was in a vice grip.  There were times through out the day that I felt like all the life was gonna be squeezed out of me.  I couldn't breath at some moments the pain was so real and overwhelming.  There were even moments that I asked for my life to be taken, just to end the hurt I was feeling. It was intense.  I am not being theatrical here, truly I was real sad. 

Tears wouldn't stop, they were the cleansing kind though.  Know that today I feel like a whole new person and am eager to share the experience only because of the valuable insight I have gained from it.

I have learned that in order to deal with a trauma, or any issue I guess that needs to be worked out of your life because the patterns it creates are harming you, you must be willing to walk through experiences that trigger it.  This is the rough part of the river the creator creates for you, not the shit you sling in order to be noticed.

I was so afraid of ever being triggered.  Much more comfortable staying in my bubble of serenity where life runs smoothly and no chance of past pain can find me(powerful creator and my calm river).  I feared the slip and fall from experiencing pain like I have had in the past.  I feared the bites and bitter attacks I would unleash on the unsuspecting from learned coping mechanisms passed on to me by Lilith, Mother of all strong women wanting independence.

I can confidently say that I survived such a trigger Thursday.  The pain from that trigger felt yesterday and again survived.  Now today the moving forward and returned to happiness and pride.  No one was harmed during my experience and I did not fall and crumble into nothingness.

I am speaking a lot without actually sharing the details of what transpired and am questioning myself as to why.  I think I am trying to mature in my writing and wonder if it is the details of the personal experience that is the benefit  or if the learned lesson is enough.  Vulnerability is the only difference.

 I guess I need to keep getting vulnerable for my own healing.......

You see what happened is that I learned I am utterly broken sexually.  This I got to witness first hand Thursday night as a sexual experience occurred for me.  It began during the day when I was sexting my impending sexual partner.  I was texting an erotic story in the present tense and then at the climax of the story I switched over to third party.  I was deeply disturbed by this when I recognized it.  It was at that moment I was shown in my little mind all the places I have 'checked out' sexually in my past.

I never realized that I even 'check out' before.  I had no idea that the person I am in everyday life steps out of my body and in comes this whole different energy.  I know I have heard other people speak of it and understand the concept, but just didnt think it happened to me.  I always feel in control.  This person that steps in,   I do believe this is who I have referred to as my Lady Vixen.  I have confused her with my addict, with my Ego and many other things over the course of this past year and a bit.  I can truly identify her now as a created persona I used as a child to keep me safe.

I had a dawning understanding of this dissociation when I got over to my sexual partners place.  As the evening progressed. I can see only from hindsight that I was not comfortable, nor connected with him.  He was tired and not fully present and I was very unnerved and too present.  It was only a matter of moments that Vixen jumped in and took over.  She ended the situation for me very quickly and very gracefully.  No drama, no issues.  

I am grateful to Vixen again only today.  Yesterday my heart was a mess knowing that a bad behavior surfaced and I was left feeling disgusting and again utterly broken.  I really want this issue I have around sex to be gone.  I just want to be normal in this area.  However the path to that is to work through the issues.

This is why experience is so important to me.  There are the twelve steps I could work through ten times to get a softer healing from.  I could see a counselor again and go onto my fifth year for an even softer approach.  For me however walking through it personally has had way more benefits then either of those other ways.

So how do I move forward....

I know now that I must feel fully connected to the person I am with.  Meaning they need to be fully present, as do I.  I need to feel relaxed which means I need to be in respect and trust with them.  I need to know that I can quiet at any time.  I also need to let my sexual partner know what my needs are in the moment.  Thats the true lesson for me today.  Learning what my needs are and how to ask for them to be met.

So many women go without orgasms or have never even experienced a true one because they do not have the confidence to ask for what they need.  Men truly do want to meet our needs, they want us to enjoy the union as much as they do.  I WANT to enjoy it as much as they do.  In order to do that though I need to work through some shit.

Why is it so important to work through this sex issue, you wonder?  I believe sex is a very very large part of connecting with your Godlike self.  I see sexual union as the most direct way to achieve a state of Ecstasy that we humans seek.  And if we are not seeking it then I believe its because you are afraid of finding it.  To be in that place of complete connection is second to none.  I can reach it in meditation but only to a degree of what I can tap when two people acting in their higher powers together can achieve.       **Spoken as a true addict of Sex.  Getting right with yourself and holding your own vibration and then coming together with another is the gift to achieving the state of exstacy first in yourself.  I was still seeking outside myself that feeling of connection that can only come from within. 4/27/14***

Plus I have decided life is about living and interacting with people, regardless of how painful sometimes, it is a wonderful experience.  I want to know everything I can, I want my life full of excitement and experience.  Half the reason I was into drugs in the first place is the excitement it brought to my world.  That's an excitement I can now achieve clean through pushing out of my comfort zone on a continual basis.  

So a new layer of my sexual healing onion was peeled this past week.  I can only imagine whats in store for me this coming up week.  Time is accelerating as we all begin to vibrate at new and exciting levels.  By next week I should be entirely healed!   lol. 

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