Monday, January 6, 2014
I have had no time for anything Internet as my life has been in full bloom outside of these pages. What blooms in December? I was one of those kinds of flowers... maybe that one that only blooms at midnight one night of the year. Too excited with typing to go research it. lol
My son is gone back to his dad's. My house is quiet and empty without that Eleven year old boy energy. It was such a great visit, no fights,no awkwardness and no more regret holding me back. I wasn't the activity Nazi who normally has the whole visit mapped out. We just chilled and reconnected.
Damn it was good.
Last night texting his dad the report of how it went, I became knowledged with how different my sons life is with my ex husband. Re-affirming why I left in the first place still pulled at my heart string, knowing that they live a very secluded life. I see their lives as empty and lacking in the basic necessities of human connection. It is hard for me not to feel a bit responsible for that place they are in. On the other hand I need to remind myself my ex was already in that place before I left and was taking me there too. I got out and my life is fabulous because of that hard choice.
I guess its just not the life for me and allowing people there own experiences is the lesson I need to take from this. It hurts my heart no less though. I want more for both of them, I love them both dearly. I want my ex husband to wake up. I fear he won't.
That is part of the transition I am facing today with life returning to normal. Letting go of my son and allowing him to live the life path he chose.
My oldest one is always at her new boyfriends which also tests my ability to let go and allow my children their chance to overcome their own challenges. This situation of hers feels all to familiar to me and I have ample experience with how it ends. It is testing my strength not to jump in and save her the time and pain. But that will teach her nothing and my job as her guide in life is too allow her to experience what is on her path too. And be there to catch her when she trips and falls.
That is another uncomfortable transition I am walking through this holiday season.
My middle daughter has hit her 13 year old moody, split personality Medusa/Robin Williams phase. 13 going on 30. She says to me during the fireworks on new years eve when the grand finally is exploding in the sky, "Mom! Thats my mind at night". I giggled and love tapped her. My witty daughter I thought. Then the sky goes dark and silent. She leans over and whispers with a sigh, "...... and this, this is my mind during the day" and rolls her eyes. I just about pee'd my pants from laughing so hard.
Damn I love my gawky teen.
My life is full of outward transitions. Yet its the inward ones that I really want to talk about here. Although I am desperately trying to keep these posts shorter and sweater then my 20 minute long winded rants. Like that last post, boy I was angry that day. I was angry for a lot of days over the holidays. Not the kind of anger that is unhealthy and toxic but the kind that feels like it needs a release and to be acknowledged.
Once I wrote about it, it dissipated. I realized sometimes feelings are just that, feelings. With no reason to them, no grand culprit pulling the strings to them. Just random emotions in your body looking for expression. Not all the time are my feelings random though, sometimes I get feelings stirred in me by my higher power or my lower power. Learning what feelings are what and where they are coming from has been the fun game I have been playing this past week or so.
In my last post I wanted to share my goals for the year. This post I want to share the removal of my inner critic. Both are worthy of their own posts. I think I am taking the day off today as my work truck is dead and my boss gave me a 250 dollar gift card for the Keg, me and my girls are going to enjoy tonight... so pampering and prepping are in order. But I digress.... I will write another post today about how the inner critic was preventing my goals from manifesting and how now I am free and so fucking happy it's disgusting. And how you can achieve the same thing.
Ta Ta till then ,beloved Bitches!!