Monday, January 13, 2014
Sex and Shadows
I need to write. I have so much going on in my outer realities and my inner ones. I don't know where to start or what to focus on. I want to discuss the different levels of reality. I want to talk about learning how to manage feelings the way we manage thoughts. But most of all I think I want to talk about sex.
Lets talk about sex baby, lets talk about you and me.... (sang to the beats of Salt and Peppa if you missed that)
After this mornings meditation and the oracle card I drew as an answer to my concerns, I decided it will be sexuality I discuss today. It is still such a taboo subject even though the media saturates it. It is also a main theme of this blog. Part of the Ascension process I think.
I want to launch my personal part of this post off with the words.... I am struggling with.... However I stop myself. I am tired of struggling and I feel way to much of my focus in life has been on my struggles and not on my victories. So I will start with....
I am processing through a shadow side of my sexuality right now. If you have been privy to my journey since the beginning of this blog you will know what kind of weight that sentence holds. I have over processed the idea that my sexual addiction was stronger then my drug one or even my food addiction. I spent a lot of time in these pages trying to figure out not only why I fell into the grips of addiction but what my real addiction truly was.
I have learned from hindsight is that there was no form of addiction that I was actually partial too. I wasn't addicted to any 'thing', I was addicted to a 'feeling'. Food, drugs and sex all brought me a high, a feeling of connection, enlightenment and joy. Maybe not food in the same way as drugs and sex, but for sure in a subtler way it did. Obviously those things brought me other benefits and downfalls as well but it is the aspect of feeling that I want to discuss here.
As I move deeper into recovery of my life I find I am being faced with my feelings. With the inner critic removed and no longer lopping my manic thoughts, my feelings have been brought to focus. Or lack of them....
I realize after the crazy weekend I have had, that I have been actually holding my breath where living life and experiencing feelings has been concerned. I have been content to stay in my balance, keep to my little famjam and spend my extra time in meditation. I have been working over hard to keep my job at an even temperament and all my outside experiences within my realm of comfort. This has been safe for me and has kept me focused on the larger picture of my life.
This focus has been on experiencing the different energy feilds of the third dimensional reality for which we live in this world. The sex I want to discuss is tied into this energy field. The fourth dimensional reality which is of the Gods/goddess's that I work with in my rituals and the fifth dimensional energy that is more pure prime creator and the arch angel vibrations. I love this focus and am quite comfortable spending all my time here.
Except that in my meditations I keep getting guided back to 3D (third dimensional, this world) experiences that I am advised must be worked through.... the one front and center is my issue with my sexuality. The one that you haven't heard me rant about in months. The issue I have worked so hard on moving away from because I am done dealing with it.
Who am I kidding? What I want and the path to get there always includes something challenging to walk through.
So let me share a story with you that has been developing in the shadows of my world. Funny I say shadows, the card I drew today was about the shadow self and embracing that part of ourselves and bringing it to the light. I feel like I have been hiding something from my readers that have been following this side of me, the Vixen that loves her sex and chaos. The card advised bringing it to the light, out in the open for healing. I am not comfortable discussing this as I feel like its a backslide. even though I do fully understand its me moving forward.
I decided a few weeks ago I was going to start dating. A slow nice easy gentle transition into a couple enjoyable movies or dinners with some new and interesting people. Living my life hiding from the fact that I am a fully active female in her prime was beginning to bother me. I knew in my guts that I have been wasting experiences by hiding in my meditations and not living in the outside world. Having been burned by my own lack of control in these situations that I felt drawn to partake in again, I am much more comfortable experiencing them from the comforts of my mind in my cushy meditation room.
So I have dated but two guys and already my emotions are rampant and I am swirling in the pits of my own feelings. I want to be all theatrical and say I am drowning, but i am not. I want to say I am in chaos, but I am not. I want to say that I am gonna run back into my meditative state and learn my lesson there, but alas I am not. I need to process here. I need to share that in order to not only see it for myself but also to show other people that struggle with intense feelings that its okay and 'normal'.
I have come to realize how deeply tranced we are into believing that our feelings are the enemy and we must go to any lengths to kill them within us. I am learning not to act so blindly on them at the same time as just accepting them for what they are. I can choose my feelings like I do my thoughts. I am choosing to have romantic feelings because its part of my life as a woman in her prime. And I desire those feelings. Even if they do scare the shit out of me, and even of I am resisting them like a motherfucker!
So the dating has brought up feelings of excitement, which I have missed. I get excited about alot of things, but getting ready for a date with someone you have never met is thrilling. I have had feelings of deep passion, as I get to know an acquaintance, turned friend, turned lover. I am surprised when I learn things about people that my prejudgment had me thinking the opposite about. That surprise has lead me into my own evaluation of judging others. The surprises have been very pleasant.
Those are some of the good feelings, like getting dolled up for a date... rubbing sparkly cream all over your body. Applying your make up to perfection. I miss those actions. I do them for meetings, or to go out with friends, but going through the motions for a date are extra thrilling. I am stalling on the good feelings because one of those dates brought about some pretty negative feelings. A counter to the good.
The thrill in dating is not knowing what or who you are gonna meet. Not knowing what you will learn or what you will experience. The old part of me that is being recovered loved that thrill. Life to me is about that thrill. The recovery part of me that was so harshly beaten up in addiction is scared shitless of who I could meet on the other side of that thrill. That fear being strong obviously manifested itself for me during only one of the dates, but reared its ugly head it did.
He was charismatic, outgoing, confident and a foreigner.... all rolled into one perfect package made specifically for me. The date started well lavished with compliments and wide smiles from my approving foreigner. Acceptance being one of my deepest desires, I am sure you can relate. Man that feeling of being adored, of being wanted. How enticing it is. And how blinding it can be.
His compliments never stopped after the initial meeting, they grew. Grew to grotesque proportions. Ruining any truth that I wanted to believe lived behind the words. I am a smart girl I know guys say whatever they need to, in order to get what they want. But even with the intelligence and logic behind me, I did get caught up in this guy. He was very good at saying the right thing in the right moment. It was not long before we were off to his place. All the while part of me was screaming inside.
It was such a surreal experience. It was like I knew that he was not sincere and that I didn't really like him, but I wanted to see where this would go. And it wasn't that I wanted sex, because in all honesty he had turned me off when he told me he wanted tonnes of babies with me. ewe. Even after I told him I couldn't have kids he kept talking about it. Unable to change his created persona I guess.
It was only moments upon entering his home though that I decided I had gone to far in my desire to explore and understand this slimy creature. Nothing got out of hand physically. Just my emotional state. I left without any issues from him... Thank my spirit guides for that! I have spent the last two days wondering what it was I was lingering for though. Was I in that much need to be lavished with compliments? Even though I knew they were insincere?
I believe it was that. What scares me though. In my past I would have believed that guy and would have allowed myself to become trapped there. I could then seen all these women I have crossed paths with in life that have been caught there. This guy was a predator that prays on the insecure woman. I have met him before. I have been taken by him before.
I got away this time. I am not that insecure little girl anymore. I had a moment where I was unsure of that, but it was fleeting. I instead drank in his compliment and ate the fabulous Salmon meal he bought me. I allowed myself to feel his compliments even today still.... And of course revelled a bit in the fear of how close I came to be taken again.
Which leads me into something I teased a few paragraphs ago. Which some of you might of caught.
Learning who I want to give my body to and whom I don't has been a huge life lesson for me. I went though the process's in my addictive past of giving my body to anybody who so much as glanced desire at me no matter how insincere and fleeting, hence the current lesson. But now I am learning how sacred sex can be and how much I have abused it in the past.
It's that abuse that has kept me from it today. However like food one cannot live without sex. I am sure there are people that can argue that, but it's just not my belief. There is a connection that goes beyond this world when you intimately connect with someone. A place beyond meditation, beyond drugs... If you both are in the right head and heart space for it. I went to that place this weekend.
I told you it was an eventful weekend and I didn't know where to start.
See in my meditations I can experience lots but to share it here is hard because there are no words or feelings attached to those experiences. No lessons even really. My meditations just are. However living in this world and experiencing here leads to so many lessons, and feelings and contemplations and introspection. Those are what we all are to be living for. Experience. We take those experiences back to meditation to be examined, one cannot solely live from a place of meditation.
Acquaintance turned friend, turned lover. There is a magical chain of events that occur when you don't manipulate or even envision an outcome too an interaction. I never seen this coming with this person. This is the real situation that has my feelings all in knots and questions. With the Creep date I was in control and I even somewhat knew what I was in for through my spiritual guidance. My guides never warned me of this though. I didn't see this coming and I don't know how to process it.
Part of me feels uncomfortable bringing it to light here. Its like sharing a very private part of myself. The only reason I am is because of the history of this blog and my own personal history with this situation. In my experience when friendships get taken to sexual levels people get hurt. That's my projected fear and to be honest not even on my part but his. I can handle my own hurt, I cannot handle my part in hurting others though.
Part of me feels that I have not learned my lessons yet in this area, but then another part of me pipes up and says this is new and I need to walk through it with new eyes. I am brought back to what society has tranced us into believing that sex without being in a committed relationship is bad. I am brought back to getting carried away with feelings of affectation. I am brought knee deep into my own fears of letting my feelings get to high.
And really my friends that's all this entire post has been about. That addiction to feelings and learning to get along with them and not fight them as I have been taught to. I watched the movie Eat, Pray Love right after my world was rocked by this guy and I was reminded that life is about finding balance and then getting knocked off that balance. To live in that place of complete solitude is a wondrous highly encouraged thing but to share the benefits with another human being is pretty cool to.
As we connected physically, (bowchicawowow... thats my porno song....) I was catapulted into a place I had never ever been before. I felt like I was on the moon contemplating the creation of the earth. It was fantastical and I was higher then I have ever reached via drugs or meditation. How can that be wrong? How can I deny myself that? Of course my unhealthy history shows me that I have abused that in the past. That's what my mind fears. Yet I need to constantly remind myself that I am working diligently on my health. My experience with the other date proves how far I have come.
So am I wrong for where I let the friendship go? Or did I even have any control of that at all. It really did just happen naturally nothing was forced on anyones part. So why then do I even need to analyze and process it? Because I am peeling away from what society tells me and what I feel as truth within my being. Why share it here? Because I vowed to be fully honest in my Ascension process regardless of how uncomfortable it makes me. Sex I think is a huge broken concept not only in my own reality but that of the entire worlds. Had I slept with the other guy I would have proven to be broken still.
So what makes this choice different? Respect. I respect this guy and myself and I feel that this guy respected me. I don't see respect as a committed relationship or a romanitc love affair. I see it as if i wanted to stop he would have been okay with that and still held a friendship with me. I see it as someone who is not afraid to be honest with me and say what he needs to. i guess its trust then. I trust this guy.... ohh man that brings ups some stuff in me as I write that. Trust and respect is what I need to have in someone before I can give them my body.
Oh man thats terrible, am I growing up? Does this mean random sex with strangers is out of the question??
Okay I need to be done writing now, lest I learn more adult things about myself. Thank you for allowing me a safe place to share my experiences. I send each of you love and vibrations from the moon! lol Just passing on the energy!