Sunday, January 19, 2014

Demons out of the Darkness


This is the last day I will be entering my blog on this ratty old Toshiba Laptop.  Yay!   I bought a computer yesterday.  Just a cheap one.  One that can get me online confidently and can perform the casual functions I need.  It's funny how even small things like that do a number on my mind.

When I bought my TV it did the same thing for me.  I have a huge issue with owning assets.  Such a funny thing to struggle with in this world but I really do.  I think two things come up for me when I buy big ticket items.  One is the consumerism game that I detest playing and the other is owning things that I could lose again.

Consumerism for me plays half the part only because I understand on a deeper level how to get past that issue.   I didn't buy the TV to become a couch potato.  I bought it to cuddle up with my kids and watch movies on.  I didn't need the TV to feel like I fit in with society, I bought it for the experience it creates in my little world.

The computer falls under the same category.  I need it to blog effectively and I need it for my online courses.  Yet even knowing that I still feel yucky over the purchase.  I still feel overwhelm lingering in the corners of my mind and now anger is building up.  What is going on with me?

My emotions have been all over the map this past week.  Full moon plays a part I am sure.  Actually I do believe reading that past issues will come up to be dealt with this month..... hmmm well this is for sure a large past issue.

As I move more into my life I feel the need to put a halt to it getting stronger.  The toys I am buying even though they are pretty small remind me of a day when I lost everything I had worked so hard to build.  I feel much these days of a time in my life when everything crumbled to the ground.

I was in the city of my crash and burn the other day and the emotions it brought up have me feeling way terrible.  I hate feeling terrible.  I had a quick supper with my son, I could barely sit there and face him.  When I would look into his eyes all I could see was the destruction I caused him and his sisters all those years ago.

Why is this all coming up now for me?  When life is finally starting to get good?  Ghosts haunting me.  Reminding me of my massive failures of the past.  In the corners of my mind  feel a darkness lingering there, threatening to invade at the first sign of weakness.   I feel like this past weekend I have weakened.

Hahahaha, that was funny  Weekend and Weakened.   Sorry distracted by a shiny thing....

I am always going on about creating our own realities and sometimes I feel I am very alone in this concept.  Although I know that I am not and by shutting out the people that can help me understand this I am effectively inviting that darkness to invade.  Thats what I have done, I have shut my teachers out.  I am overwhelmed and want to learn nothing more.  I want to bury my head in the sand and forget this whole process of growth.

I created an amazing reality once.  I brought myself from poverty to upper middle class.  From over 200lbs to below 150.  From socially awkward to confident and flirty.  I had the career I loved, the house and cars and the perfect nuclear family.  I had it all.   And then.....

I woke up one day and it was all gone.   It hurt beyond any measure of feelings I could  give here.  This is where I feel alone but know that everyone experiences some pain in their lives.  I beat myself  up for many years about how I lost it all.  What I did to cause my massive crash?  I over analyzed and picked it to death.  I stayed in a place of defeat for a very long time.  Safer I think then to get back up is to just stay sitting.

I did finally get up though.  And I have been working really really hard at dusting myself  off and taking small steps forward again.  I have learned much about why my reality crashed in the process.  It wasn't truly what I wanted and I missed a few parts that I did want but could not have in that current lifestyle.  I have learned that the crash itself was still part of the creation I am making now.  These are a few of the things that have made it easier to move forward at what feels like mach speed.

The darkness that I have allowed back in is the fear of falling so hard again.  Of hurting so many people again.  Of building up and losing it all again.  I really do not think  I could survive that over again.  Honestly.

So it may just be a computer but it has triggered some larger issues for me.  It was suppose to be just a simple quick supper with my son during a work trip to the city but it opened a dusty old trunk of feelings needing to be addressed and then let go of.

Letting go is not my strong suit.  I do not do it with grace and ease.  I lash out and bite the hands that feed me.  Its a rocky bumpy process for me.  I need complete solitude.  Yet its in isolation that those ghosts grow into demons.

So bringing my issues to the light.... handing the glow stick to Casper.

I get to chat with my Hypno teacher Thursday and am looking forward to diving into my second course today.... on my new computer!!  I gotta keep moving forward its the only way to  go.  Ugh... I hate the heavier side of life.

The reality I truly want is right around the corner.  I am already living half of it.  I didnt realize before my crash that this is what I had been manifesting the whole time.  Sometimes we need to be very sure of what we want.  We need to know that the path to get to our desires might not be the path we envisioned.  If we are asking for something that we need to be stronger for or wiser for or wittier for, we will be faced with the challenges in life to create that need in order to achieve that desire.  It was always said in the rooms of NA jokingly dont ever wish for more patience or you will be in the longest lines at the stores.

It is fairly obvious my desire is to hold the entire world in the palm of my hand.......

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