Friday, February 8, 2013

Who needs a Sponsor, I got this!!

...."an NA sponsor is a member of Narcotics Anonymous, living the program of recovery, who is willing to build a special, supportive, one on one relationship with us"

My sponsor tells me all the time 'nothing happens by accident'  And this is particularly the case for me today as I just got off the phone with asking her back as my sponsor after going AWAL on her for a few weeks.  lol

I had to do some deep soul searching recently as to what a sponsor is to me.  I have a really really great support circle of women who call me on my shit when I am going off path and who love me deeply.  So why do I need a sponsor?

I finished a full set of steps and have no intentions anytime soon of revisiting the scab picking process, preferring to walk a path of planting my garden, not digging it up again just yet.  I am moving on to working a set of Traditions with a group of women... so why do I need a sponsor?

I sat long with these two area's being the only reason I need a sponsor.  I had friends that I confided in and a group I was working the program with, so I don't need someone telling me what to do.  I don't need a person all up in my private business messing with my stuff.  I don't need a person who has traveled the road I have shining light on the potential pitfalls I am heading towards... because I got this now.

For a few weeks I needed to walk on my own and do it my own way in order to find  myself skirting some dark back alleys.  My friends safely tucked in for the night and my group of women whom are teaching me about traditions far from my mind as I peek down the alley to see if any of my old friends still linger there.  The rebel in me seeing how far I can push myself... wanting to see just how strongly my higher power has got my back.

Until in my head I hear a small voice screaming at me to call my sponsor... the one I have walked away from for a multitude of superficial reasons.  She gave me ill advice once, she didn't prevent that minor fall last year that I had, she has some personality defects that bother me... she is human.  I need super human.

The back alley seductively pulls at me and I am forced to make a decision.

.........I called my sponsor this morning, before I did anything else.  I felt good about my decision and she agree's to take me back.  And helps me feel that my exploration is normal and I am still on path.  Then I come here to begin my JFT blog and what do I find as a topic..... Blah!  Sponsorship!  God has a really funny sense of humor.

What is a sponsor to me??.... A life line.  A connection to the light because my natural tendencies will always be to walk towards the shadows, where I am comfortable and familiar with.  She keeps me out of the back alley because she is always in my head, a place my friends can't go, nor can my program working group.  My sponsor gets a special invite into the private places in my life.  However uncomfortable that is for me, it beats the alley I was just about to walk into, and the reality of never coming out of it again keeps me tethered to my life line.... my sponsor.

Just for Today I'm grateful for the time, the love, and the experience my sponsor has shared with me.  Today I will call my sponsor.. (Did already!!)

Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.

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