Monday, February 4, 2013

Do YOUR Feelings Control You?

.....'For us, recovery is more then just pleasure'.

For a very long time that 'us' didn't apply to me.  As soon as the 'high' of being clean wore off I got loaded.  'The first year of recovery is a gift after that you have to work at it'.  I still haven't made it to the year, but I must admit that I have lacked in the 'working' it part.  Feelings are for sure my demise each and every time.

I have spent my whole life running from my feelings and going to extreme limits to maintain that happy.  As the reading says picking the pill of the day to dictate the mood balance I need.  When I walked out on my kids, the little happy 'E' pill became my constant.  Every time I stop using dope, food steps in to alleviate any indication of sadness on the horizon   If I am the slightest bit lonely or feel a little empty, well there is always a man willing to crawl into my bed and fill that right up.  My whole life has been spent finding new ways to get out of my feelings.

Today at four months clean from all ways of killing my feelings I find I am a confused ball of emotions and I desperately try to label the reason for the feeling and feel that logic will settle it.  I am always disappointed.   After this past relapse the understanding that feelings have been the cause of all my relapses I promised myself not to make any big life changes, not to get into any romantic relationship and to just ride my feelings out... without judgment.  It has been hard, but I have got to tell you... it's is extremely amusing to see how fast they will change in a course of minutes.  To detach and observe my feelings is the most hilarious thing.  One moment I will be crying watching a movie to laughing for no reason... sometimes I think I am pregnant.(not possible)  I identify with feeling tired all day to not feeling tired at all at wtf?

I have come to understand feelings are like thoughts.. we don't need to act on them.  I am not my thoughts, and I am not my feelings.  Both of those things can be triggered by the most mundane things that I can not hold responsibility for lest I drive myself insane.  And I have!! I have almost married a man against logic because I had a passing feeling of lust that lasted almost two years!!  Feelings are a passing energy that washes over the body like rain from the sky, we have little more control over our feelings then we do that rain.  Learning not to act on them is the only thing we have control over.

God grant me serenity..... we say it at ever single meeting.  Then we take back the line the moment a feeling hits us.  It's our choice to keep that balance.  We don't have to wait till we are six years clean to find serenity.  We can have it now by letting our feelings move through us, not stick like a popcorn curnal in our teeth.  Meditation and the 11th step help tremendously with this.... I love step 11, can you tell, I reference it every single post.  lol

So Just for Today I will accept my feelings, whatever they may be, just as they are.  I will practice the program and learn to live with my feelings.    (I will not get married on a feeling, I will not get loaded on a feeling, I will not gain five hundred pounds because of a feeling!!)

Thank you for letting me share.

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