Monday, August 5, 2013

Welcome to The City of Illusions

Erupting like hot lava from a volcano my emotions threaten to destroy the perfect little illusion I have built at the bottom of the mountain.

My little world of glass.  Totally see through, everything there like an open book.  Don't dig too much further because there is nothing there to see.  Everything I am is open for all to see.  Or so I would like to believe in my magic house of mirrors.  Satisfied with the reflection I choose to see through the distorted mirrors.

I am lost in my own city.  The mountain is over flowing and the Lava is pouring fourth into the suburbs and there is no where to run from it.  The mirrors trick me.  Running in directions unknown.  Slamming into clean glass stopping me in full run.  My city is melting all around me.  Everything is screaming inside the walls.  Trapped.

Never having been one that could express her emotions in a healthy way.  As a kid you don't want to hear the way I expressed them.  As I got older and understood how horrible that situation was it was through food that I hid my feelings.  As the food was stripped from my bones, it was dope.  My city is melting all around me.  My mirrors no longer reflecting what I choose to see.  The glass blocking my path now melts into the heat of the angry red liquid.

Standing on a rock I watch as everything I have known until now disappears.  I have known for a long time this day would come.  The day I would have to face the mountains inner turmoil.  No one chooses to build her city at the bottom of a volcanoe without having some wit her city could be destroyed at some time.  That time is here.

The mirrors of secrecy have melted.  The wall of despair has fallen.  The illusions of all is okay have shattered.  The borders of Fear have all but disappeared.  Halls of guilt and shame are somewhere deep below the fiery substance of change.  My little house of illusions no longer exists.

Sitting on my rock watching through my tears I feel a small stirring of..... relief?.  My home and all I have known is vanishing before my eyes.  All I have worked so hard to build to protect myself is slipping into the eruption of Powerful Mother Earth.  Smoke from the mirrors is all that is left.

Sitting in the smoke I cry.  Shedding years of held back pain, fear and disillusion.   Emptied out I fall asleep on my rock.  I have nothing left. 

As I sleep...... God opens up the sky's and sheds his own tears unto my destroyed city.  He cry's for my pain.  He cry's for my journey's past.  He cry's for my strength.  He cry's for my inner beauty.    He cry's for all I am to become.

When I open my eye's the smoke is gone and the sky is clear.  My eye's slowly adjust.   Budding young hopeful tree's that have replaced my mirrors of defeat.  Flowers of Love bloom where my walls of fear once resided.     Birds fly down my old halls of shame.     A rainbow touches down in the place secrecy used to hide.

I don't move off my rock.  I don't know how to feel.  I don't trust this new illusion.  Maybe I will stay here until the landscapes true reality comes forth.  I am done being hurt by pretty little illusions of the all powerful mind.  This could be only an illusion.  It is only an illusion.

I close my eye's and go back to sleep.  Knowing that when I wake up i will be back in the destruction of my life and the comfort of my sorrow.

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