Tuesday, August 27, 2013

This Pile of Sh!t Stinks!

Depression.  Detoxing. Bi-polar pendulum swing.

As I stay home from work the second day in a row I question why.  Yes I feel ill.  However it is a come and go ill, of wanting to vomit but not, of wanting to sleep but not, of feeling sore and tired but not.  Almost like a faint illusion, I feel these things and when I focus on them they go away.  It's kinda weird actually.

I am doing a metal detox cleanse as well as a spiritual meditation body cleanse.  When I take the pills I tend to get nauseous.  Today while doing a body meridian clearing through guided meditation I found myself dry heaving over the toilet.  So yes this cleanse is definitely bringing up some unhealthy stuff physically in my body.

Which I already know the cause of really, and have been complaining about it for weeks.  Yet have done nothing about it.  I cannot eat like crap anymore.  I just can't.  Let me explain what crap is so people get a better understanding of what I am talking about here.

Healthy eating for me clears my mind and helps me function from a happy place.  Eating six times a day, every three to four hours is healthy.  Lately I have been having my morning smoothie then not eating again till suppertime because I have filled up on coffee.  Healthy eating has no coffee in the day, as coffee makes me tired and not hungry.  For every cup of coffee one has you should have two glasses of water.  When I drink coffee I stop drinking water all together.  That from a place of only drinking water in my day, I drink no other beverages, all your body needs is water...and its cheaper.  Our bodies are made up of like ninety percent water, drinking it helps flush the toxins out, coffee holds them in.

Not to mention when I eat six times a day, I am focused on fruits and veggies which are made up mostly of water as well.  When I eat unhealthy I eat my entire six portions in one sitting and I choose 'white' foods, which consist of no water.  So my entire day has been about feeding myself energy that sucks the life out  of me not the normal life giving energy my poor body is used too.

So knowing this, why is it that I am still planning to make a pot of coffee as soon as I am done this paragraph now that the nausea from my meditation has subsided?  Why am I refusing to make the changes necessary to feel better?  Why does an addict continue to use knowing full well that she hates it and knows the end results will be disastrous?  An addiction.

Read the book Wheat belly.  I haven't even got fully through it because it was simple for me to see by the first page how it was going to play out.  The chemicals in your food are very similar if not exactly the same as the chemicals in your dope.  It's the chemicals that our bodies become dependent upon.  It's why the weed smoker suffers the same fate as the crack addict.... everything is grown and produced with chemicals.  It's these chemicals that hook us.  Every smoker knows and entirely accepts this.  Don't get me wrong, crack fucks with your brain on an absurd level and for many addicts it's this brain functioning they seek.... not all addicts are created equal.. contrary to popular belief.

I am once again hooked on the chemicals in food.  Where does it end then?  I look back to my entire life and I can see the switching of chemicals.  What is it that the chemicals do to my body that make me want to continuously crave them?  That's really what this post is about.... filling that stupid proverbial void that every religion sings about and every twelve step fellowship tries to uncover.

I am not worthy.

I eat crap knowing full well it will make me feel like crap because that's what I deserve.  I am not seeking out sympathy or to feel sorry for myself here.  It truly is a deep seated belief that I am not worthy of any good in my life, so when the good happens I self sabotage.  Or when good gets stripped away from me it reinforces that I am not worthy and I fall back into self harm.  Normally the good that I perceive as being stripped away is actually not so good and its being removed because it does not fit with the good that is actually in me.  hmm.. that was a mouthful, hope you got it.

I can see now my evening of fun with my coworkers triggered a not worthy response in me and I have been suffering in that for three days now.  Many factors in the work situation have lead up to this feeling of unworthiness and I am just putting the puzzle pieces together now.  I get feeling nauseous when I see all the individual pieces.  It was the same in early recovery for me too.  I relapsed each time I really started to feel like maybe I would get it that time.  I see now how much I didn't feel like I deserved recovery.  Just like I feel like I don't deserve a job or career that nourishes me.

I have so many skeletons in my closet that haunt each success I achieve.  So many ghosts whispering in my ear.  Reminding me of the major fuck up here or the horrible thing I did there.  I see visions from my past that support my unworthiness.   On good days I can keep these naggings at bay.... what are those good days?   Days that I am already in that place of less then... because when I am there it's called humility.   Hmmm as I added that last word, it doesn't resonate properly, but I am gonna leave it because I lack another word there.

You see Saturday night was good, way good.  I felt worthy and wonderful, I felt like I was in my power.  Today I feel like I wanna crawl in a hole and die.  Bi-polar?  Maybe, but I am more leaning towards my low self worth and inability to allow my true light to step forward.

So I kill my light with chemicals.  No longer using dope and my main source of chemical I have found another one.   You see I am learning that I am not in the twelve step fellowship just to get off the dope, I am there because of my low self worth.  Peeling back the layers through the steps is why I am there.

I am not sick today, I am depressed.  I am falling back into a pattern that I have lived with my entire life.  A pattern hidden when I was married because my ex carried me and our family when these times hit.  He took extra jobs when I couldn't work, he fed the kids when I couldn't get out of bed, he covered for me with our family and friends when all i wanted to do was die.   I no longer have that support.  I believe it's one of the reasons one should not get into a relationship in recovery.  You have a partner in your own self inflicted crime.  A partner to hide behind and blame.... even if you are completely unaware of it.  For whatever your inflicted low self worth outlet is.  Mine has always been depression.

Depression is anger turned inwards.  The skeletons in my closet make me angry and instead of dealing with them I kill any feelings I have about them with chemicals.  I am still, on a new level, refusing to deal with my shit.  Not a new higher level, maybe that was bad choice of phrase.  I think a new layer of ghosts have emerged to be faced.  These skeletons go a little deeper then the ones I have faced and conquered over the past two years of recovery... actually three years of recovery.  (Time has a way of standing still as I age).

Progress not perfection is something I used to stress to my weight loss clients and that's some advice I see shining behind the skeleton threatening me today.  The ability to balance the good with those scary memories is a new tool I have for dealing with my shit.  However dealing with my shit is the focus.  Slipping into depression is not dealing with my shit, it's hiding.  Three days of nursing my low self worth is enough, all is not lost or even dented yet.  I watched a Youtube Movie called Kymatica on my TV yesterday thanks to my super cool daughter hooking me up with the 21st century.  Its not a movie for the faint of heart or one with a deep connection with our society, but it does talk much about dealing with our inner demons before they manifest themselves in the world we live in.

This is me dealing with my shadow side.  Not all is rosy and bright in my inner world.  Not all is dark and scary either.  I speak lots about people being all about the positive, which is definitely good to strive for, but to ignore your shadow self is to run into some serious trouble down the line.  I fully understood this when I sat in the pits of hades a few years back and wondered how the fuck I got there through practicing my white light meditations faithfully.  Don't ignore your darkness, that's what keeps taking you back out.  You can only keep it at bay for so long before it will want some attention.

 Deal with it on your terms......  Today I won't let depression be the terms, it's but a warning.  I will heed the warning and walk through my fear.  Time to focus on self care today.  Get my house ready for my baby girl coming home and get better so I can kick ass at work tomorrow!  Thanks for reading my rant.  I Love You.

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