Sunday, August 18, 2013

Feelings are like Pea's



What a stupid concept.   Feelings.

I am an analytical Virgo who is much more comfortable with intellectual concepts and pursuits.  The affairs of the heart are for the emotional people of this planet and I stay far away from that shit.

Of course that is until that 'shit' comes sneaking up behind me and threatens to drown me in my own ocean of unacknowledged emotions.  Such an annoying thing to have a heart, life would be much better for me if I could just cut that thing out.  I would function just fine on logic and reason, thank you very much.  Sheldon from the Big Bang Theory does just fine.

Ya, tell yourself.   I can hear my tittat bad boy number 2 say.  Which I have now discovered there have actually been three bad boys in my recovery so I am shifting all the numbers.  Just a side note.  Much rather talk about the side notes then the stupid feelings that are raging inside me.

I can't stuff them with food anymore.(said with a grating 13 year olds whine)  Which in my denial I was doing.  I should know my pattern by now.  When I start over eating the way I have been lately, there is always a feeling lingering that I am ignoring.  I really truly believed I was just struggling to get over a hurt inflicted recently upon me.  However it never made sense because the action was not matching the sheer volume of pain surfacing on my heart.  So I stuffed it down with food because my Virgo mind could not spin logic on it.  There is no logic to stupid feelings.  (i just gotta keep saying it... ignore if it you already figured this shit out)

Knowing that I cannot over eat like that anymore brought me to a cagey animal in heat mentality.  Trolling for something more physical to cure my ill heart was coming more and more to the forefront of my over active mind.  The more I tried to take that route the more my guts inside turned.  I can not even step foot in that arena anymore, no matter how hard I try and force it.  It's just not in my nature to act out that way as I grow and change.  Super frustrating when it was such an instant release for me, for many years.

Learning new ways of letting my feelings out is where this lesson is going.

The other night I found myself sitting on my eldest daughters bed with her stash in my hands.   Reality rocked my world loud and clear.  I sat vibrating, heart pounding, mind racing, hands sweating, mouth watering, and soon sobbing uncontrollably.   I dropped the numbing out medicine and booked it to a meeting where I shared about my shock over being 'here' again.

......Ahh... tittat badboy #2 would understand the 'here' cry escaping my lips.  How I miss him some days... hmmm....  digression, avoidance, distraction.

With every relapse I have I always wonder how the fuck  I got back to 'here'.   I realize now, how.  I don't deal with my feelings when they come up.  I am unable to just let a feeling wash over me without knowing exactly what,when, why and how of every little facet of that emotion.  I need logic to reason it out.  I am learning that logic and emotions are in completely different rooms, not even in the same wing of my huge inner mansion.  Connected by a maze of hallways.

Rest assured.  I am clean today.  I didn't end up 'here' again.  I recognized the fall before it hit.... mere moments mind you, but I stayed on solid ground nonetheless.  I am working a solid program today and I really don't want to get loaded.  I love my life.   I just truly struggle with my feelings.  This experience has made it very clear just how deep the pain of my past goes and how much needs to be cleared in  order for me to move forward on my journey.

You see I never allow myself to feel the pain of my childhood.  I rationalized and moved on.  I have skipped all the work and have just jumped into forgiveness.  I can't do that, it doesn't work that way.  I have to allow myself to feel.  I cannot always be in my head about these things.  I was so afraid of becoming a victim that I thought a survivor just forgave and moved on.  Really i was brushing everything under the carpet under the disguise of forgiveness.  I really don't harbor any ill will towards the people of my past, but I have to get real about my own personal hurts.

This past incident with bright blues Bad boy number three triggered a way deeper issue of betrayal and abandonment from my past and my childhood.  The waves of emotion were to intense and after a couple of days I had to shut 'er down.  That is where I started to slide down the relapse slope.  Thats where I need to learn a new way to handle the fear of being overwhelmed by my feelings.  I have to figure out an off switch for them so that I feel a little more in control when they get to intense.  I understand I have to roll through the waves but its terrifying to me.

Feelings are a disconnected aspect of my personality.  I have never allowed myself to express them let alone feel them.  It just wasn't safe as a kid to do so.  Now as an adult I must learn how to effectively handle these feelings that are erupting within me and threatening to drown me if I don't acknowledge them.  That's scary shit to me.  I am much more comfortable sleeping with the devil.  How fucked is that?

Feelings?   What a stupid issue.   It's like my youngest daughter said to a psychiatrist once when asked what she thought about feelings  ...' feelings are like pea's, you know they are good for you, but you just don't like them'.  

And with that witty wise comment from the mouth of my babe I bid you ado.  I hope this week finds you walking through your own feelings and sending me waves of strength to walk through mine.

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