Some realizations have been dawning on me lately and they haven't been pleasant ones. True to my Virgo nature of analyzing everything I have uncovered a uncomfortable truth about myself. I am not sure what to do with it or how to move forward because of it.
I am now aware of the belief that I need a man to lift me up. I need a male energy to motivate me forward in life. I need the constant reassurance from a male. As I write that I realize its actually not just from a man I need these things, although from a man it holds ten times more weight, from anyone close to me. I need positive re enforcement in all I do.
I am sure on some level we all do. The awareness is settling in my Psyche that for me without this outside encouragement I lack motivation to take care of myself. With my daughters gone, I couldn't be bothered with cooking or cleaning. When I don't have a romantic interest I barely shave my legs. If I am not being rewarded at work I quit. Constant assurance is something that I need to function.
As this dawning is occurring I find myself backsliding like crazy. It has shown me how dependant I really am on others. I am always spouting how independent I am, and physically, financially and maybe even mentally I am but definitely not emotionally. My worth is completely tied into other people.
The brutal fact is that when someone rejects me it rips me straight to the core of my being. My core being that of other people because that's where I place my energy center. When a person walks away from me they take a piece of me with them and I am found chasing them to get it back. Reminds me of the horcruxes of Voldemort in the Harry Potter movies, pieces I place in others to keep myself alive. I am only alive when another being is deeply into me.
Thats the backsliding I am feeling these days. A rushing back to collect the pieces of me I have gave away so unwittingly to people who had no idea they were taking me with them. How else am I to collect my lost self worth, but to win these people back into my life? If they destroy themselves they are killing that part of me to and it is always the self destructive people that I lay my spider babies with.
Even as I write that I can see the absurdity of the cycles I have been caught in. Constantly chasing my own self worth, running after people to gain it back. To get my self worth back is to earn it for myself. To move forward and collect it on my spiritual path. To pick the beautiful flowers as the universe rewards me for my own inner beauty. Rushing backwards is an option but a tougher, longer path to collect it back and usually involves a bit more humiliation then walking forward into the unknown. I say this with all the wisdom in the world because it's what I have done enough times now to know the outcome of chasing a backslide.
I just don't know how to walk forward knowing that up until now all my worth has come from others. I look at my friends differently now. I look at my family differently. As my boss is picking up a large gift certificate for me from a bike shop for a new ride, I question the motives behind the actions. How do I stop deriving my worth from what others think of me?
I have received some negative complaints at work lately, I have been rejected on a soul level recently and have lost some people in my life... how do I learn to not take that personally? All of it is attached to my self worth. When the negative comes in I have to strive double hard for some other form of positive reinforcement. How draining I see this has been. I put so much energy into this avenue of self worth.
I have been told before that I do this and struggle with it, but I couldn't see it clearly until now. Its one of those layered lessons. I feel yuck all over the place because of this understanding. How much power I have given away to others? I give my power over constantly... and I have a lot of power to give. No wonder I attract the broken boys (as my bff corrected me today, I don't like the 'badboys' I like the broken ones). I give them my power to heal themselves instead of healing myself. Plus I think I like them because what would a healthy guy want with me.... truly. But I digress.
How do I walk forward finding a new place to derive my self worth? How do I tap that from within instead of seeking it outside of myself? Is it such a bad thing to feel good when I am rewarded for hard work? where do I find the balance? Ah... back to the balance again.
Well that's my food for thought today.