Sunday, October 18, 2015

Entering the Void

I just read another blog that brushed on the topic of how we as humans tend to over complicate our lives.   In the twelve step program I was involved in they too spoke about it being a simple program for complicated beings.

I think in the spinning of my mind today, I am getting some great pokes by spirit.

I am on day six of my fast ( )     ...... and I feel like I am finally entering into the void.

The void can be looked at in many different ways.  In ways that create tension and frustration, depression and anxiety.  Or in ways that create peace and calm, trust and letting go.   The article above also spoke about how we are always trying to control our lives and how trusting the flow and natural rhythms of our lives can be a bit challenging for us.

I know for my analytical mind I feel I need to constantly be processing.   Always trying to figure things out.  Thinking about the reasons, the solutions and the best paths for what ever situation I am in.  Rarely can I just Stop and Be.   I have to know the ins and outs before I can let go.

I can only understand now after six solid days of wiggling that I am just too tired to care.  I am tired of my own mind.   In a way that is a sad sap comment,  and for sure I do feel a bit miserable and depressed.

I am entering into the void.

I am big into numerology these days and have been studying my profile and the profiles of those close to me.  I have gained some pretty neat understandings of myself and my relationships.  From my Virgo skeptic mind this is saying something.   I am in year two of the numerology wheel.   The medicine wheel as Lisa is speaking of in her blog post above has a very similar system for determining the lessons of the year.

 In the year two its all about pause, going within in, resting.  After the year one of a change in course, a fresh start, new seeds planted.   Year two is about rest after that hard work and building up strength for the next very busy year.  Thats what I understand it to be anyways and its super fitting of where I am at in life.

This year its about entering the void.

 I miss my town house that I just moved from three months ago.  I loved that home.  I miss the space and my meditation room.  I miss my pallet bed that couldn't come with me.  I miss my nick nacks that I gave away to start with a clean slate.  I miss the stores in the area and the walking trails I would journey those three years.

I don't love where I live yet.  Its not home yet.  I am in the void.  The in between.  My sense of belonging is not on a solid foundation right now.  

I miss my busy jobs whether it be my landscaping one or even my weigh loss job from many years ago.... I miss being an over achiever.  I miss the recognition and the accolades.  I miss the money and the busyness.   I miss feeling important and needed.   I am in a void.

I appreciate the calm and peace my new job has the potential to bring me.  I do respect the flexibility and the freedom I have where I am at now.  In time I will be very happy with this change, I know this as truth.  But today I am feeling loss.  lots and lots of loss.

I miss Tim Hortons Coffee and Bagels.  I miss Sexting the hot 25 year old.  I miss hitting the clubs with my skinny body, although this was several years ago I am finding myself missing it today.  I miss an active social life and a busy job.    None of these things I can have right now because all of these things spin me into addiction.

I am in the void.

Being in the void is necessary to growth and healing.  Not many people like entering into the void.  Its comparable to a shamans death.  Where one strips away the things in life one was attached to in order to discover what sustains a person without these things.   We are bread in a society here in North America to become attached at a very young age to things, people and places.  I am not saying this is necessarily a bad thing.  Nor that everyone needs to peel away from these things to find themselves.

I do however.

In the absence of food, my mind has cleared some.   I am extremely addicted.   To everything. Complete attachment and dependence.   So addicted that pretty much anything can crash my life to the ground and pretty much at some point in my past has.  My obsessions are so overwhelming that not even the love of my daughters can stop me when I want something.   When I crash the cycle, interrupt the process, only then can I gain clarity and see through my obsession.  That is the void for me.

I have entered mini voids before, or maybe a better image is...... I have skirted the void before. But  I have never had the courage to dive fully in.  Today I am diving in fully.

I have stopped all things sexual and romantic.  For me it was constant fantasy about falling in love with the toxic boy, the emotionally unavailable man and how I could change him.  I would hook up with guys that had no interest in me other then sex with the belief that underneath they truly loved me. I would solo sex to get myself out of bad moods, boredom moods or when I couldn't fall asleep.  Never did I solo sex cause I was actually turned on to it.   These are huge problems when they consume your almost every waking thought.

In the void the rose colored glasses have fully come off.  Half of me wants to reach out to a hot guy and live in blissful ignorance and the other half is strengthening.

I have stopped ingesting food toxins.  Upon waking my first thought used to be about what I was going to have for breakfast.  While eating breakfast I was thinking about lunch.  During lunch cause I was such a good girl with my food choices so far I was gonna splurge for supper and have a huge plate of spaghetti cause I deserved it.  After supper watching 'Once Upon a Time' with my beloved daughter, my mouth would start to salivate for ice cream from the Dairy Queen across the street. Even though I know I will feel very sick in the morning, I just can't resist the craving.  And the cycle would start all over again the next day.

I lived like that once before and after entering the void once in this arena and losing all my weight and eating very healthy for a very long time I am reminded quickly how much I miss the freedom from being a slave to my food choices.

I am fully in the void now from everything that I was attached too.  Food, Sex, Guys, Friends, drugs, Over working and over spending.   And honestly logical or not.  I miss it all!!  Terribly!   January is a long long long ways away.

How does this fit in with my opening paragraph of how we complicate our own lives?

I am only accepting the void now on day six of my food fast and well, two weeks into my overall detox.  Because I couldn't allow the process to flow.  Even still in my misery I am desperately trying to fight it by rationalizing it.

Something I am coming to realize;  feelings some times cannot be rationalized.  They just are.  I miss my attachments but I cant go back to them and no amount of paths or trails can bring me back to them because I have already changed course.  If I can learn to let go and just flow I will find that my life on the other side of these vices will be more amazing then I can imagine now because I have never experienced where I am going..... because I have never been here before.

I am fully, both feet, knee deep, up to my neck....... In the Void.

So here is too not complicating the shit out of this next three months.

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