Thursday, October 29, 2015

A Quick Dip into Old Waters

Oh, How quickly I spin out of my great white light and into my dark grey matter.

Let me tell you how my story goes.......

Ten days of a fabulous cleanse.  A cleanse of my body, toxins released and a lightness of step returned to me.   Determination and perseverance lead to an increase in confidence and inner happiness.   This physical detox brought on a heightened awareness of all things toxic in my world and reiterated to me the importance of this three month over all cleanse of my life.

That was last week.

Oh how quickly I can digress.

On Monday I received a text from the stunningly sexy now 26 (as he has had a birthday since our fling in the spring) year old, hottie that shook my life to the ground.  If you missed those posts I will list them at the bottom of this one.  One text is all it took to get me to start to shake in my boots.  I have not talked to him in over a month, maybe even longer actually.  And he is in Ontario with, up until recently, no chance of ever coming back to my province.  Turns out he will be working here all winter.

First I must address the obvious question.  Why had I not blocked him going into this cleanse, knowing he was probably the only guy that had any power over me still.  

Two answers, the honest one.... 

Reservations.  He was my reservation, my back up, my if I don't wanna do this cleanse anymore I can go play in that mine field.  Sick reason I know, but my addict mind is not put to bed yet, let us remember.  

Second reason and a bit of truth to it as well.  On my Android phone to block someone they need to be in my contact list.  I cannot, let me repeat, cannot have his number in my phone.  My personal strength to not contact him when I am feeling low is too much of a test.  I cant do it.  So I thought I was choosing the lesser of two evils by deleting him instead.  So how did I know it was him for certain then if his name didn't come up and only his number.....  by the racing of my heart when I seen the simple.. hey.  text pop up.

Four hours later he facebooked me the same,  Hey.  So it was confirmed then and that's when I began to completely spin.  Don't ask me why I hadn't blocked him on Facebook its too deep for this post.  

Ask me instead,  why I would spin?    After the body cleanse and the feeling so good, the increased energy and the better pace my life was going at.  The yoga and mediation, the creative art I was doing.... why would a simple three letter word  from a guy that does not have my best interest at heart spin me so quickly?

But spin me it did.

My daughters birthday was on the weekend and this was the Monday after and left over chocolate cake was wrapped up nicely on my counter.  Until now I had no desire to eat it as I was slowly just adding solids back to my diet and the rush of sugar was not my idea of a good time. ..... or so I thought.  After seeing the second text, with no thought process I went straight away for a large slice of cake.  I took it back into my room, hiding of course from my daughter who would question the food choice.  After wolfing it down, I autopilot to the kitchen for another go round.

Second mistake.... I know better to have cake in my house, no matter what.  I threw the whole thing away after that second piece.   

I went to bed that night revving up my addict.  I tossed and turned, sweated and dreamt of the great sexscapade heading my way.  I knew at that moment I would hook back up with this kid, the process had begun again within me.

That was Monday night and since then I have had ice cream which is a huge toxin for my body and mental state.  I spent two days on the couch suffering from what was about to come.  I let myself sink pretty low from those two meager little texts.

Until this morning when I thought..... how fucking ridiculous I am being.  Part of this detox is to learn to rewire the way I think through new actions chosen.  I am feeding into old ways by the choices I am making.  Thats not my goal.  My goal is to change that.  So today I got up and showered and went about my day as if nothing has happened in the last two days.  Other then the awareness that I have to step up my recovery game.

No cake in my house period.  But I do need healthy snack attack foods.  This I learned from my time as a weight loss coach.   Just cause the kid texted me does not mean I have acted out.  I have no control of other peoples actions only my own.  So I need to tell my thoughts to stop and redirect them.  This I learned from the twelve step program.  I need to up my meditations and yoga practices as complacency was taught to me through many failed attempts at success in all areas of my life.

I feel much better today and can see clearly the pattern of my chemical and electrical spikes in my body and why I got spun in the first place.

When hottie texted , endorphin released a shot of the love drug into my system.  Goddess, how I love that Love drug.  After it was released my body wanted more.  This I knew and was able to distract myself.... that is until the second text came in.. Then the endorphin was too strong for me and all the neurons fired up along my spine.  To stuff my feelings and to keep the chemicals pumping, double edged sword for me on this one... I ate cake.   My sleep was further disturbed by fantasies of the hottie, which by the morning lead to a crash of the chemicals in my body as I knew I couldn't keep them going without going further then I was willing to go in my addiction of them.   So the onset of the two day depression.

I am starting to understand on a more personal level how my own body reacts to stress and love and excitement.  I am learning this through these detoxes and cleanses and silence.  They put me in touch with my body and my own nervous system.  With no huge life distractions I am forcing myself to go deep within to learn what makes me tick.    With continued study in the field of psychology I am learning a great deal about the human nervous system.

By the end of this year I will have re-patterned the way my body fires up.  No longer will things of toxicity excite me.  I will have a solid center and will finally at forty be able to move forward with my life and achieve the things my heart has always wanted to.  ..... well thats my internal motivational speech anyways.  lol  Here's shooting for the moon!!

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