Saturday, April 5, 2014

The View from My wHole

Do I have a story for you babe!  Its a good one, full of deceit, obsession and addiction re-spun. 

 It's of course one you probably don't want to hear.  I cheated on you love, in all the ways a healthy relationship cannot vibrate at.  Hence why I have been so quiet and when I have come for a visit here with you, its been to spew healthy advice.  

Distraction, deceit at its finest.   But you knew all this time, didn't you love? 

So I guess I best begin before I have 18 web pages of drama balled up in what was to be a nice crochet square.  A poem I read recently, by Portia Nelson, best describes my current journey..

Autobiography In Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street. 

Well there you have it.  My knotted ball of yarn with a crochet hook stuck in chapter 3.   

Well.....She said it best and that's all she wrote,

 Moving on....

Talk to you again next week Love.



 I will share the story, but know that I don't wanna. 

 Living in guilt and shame does nobody any good.   Expressing the anger at myself for falling into that fucking hole again is necessary for me to move on.  This is a lesson I have learned from past falls. Many, Many of them.    Holding my anger in does nothing more then infect all those around me.

From my anger I already cannot stand to be around people.

 I have Zero tolerance for lies, deceit and bullshit.  Because lets be honest its what I just spent the last couple of months drowning my own self in.   I can see it acutely clear in others because they are my living mirror.  I cannot be around that lest I continually trigger my own need to stay in obsession and darkness.

My anger is causing my kids to act out with mean words to each other.

My kids always feel in themselves whats going on within me.  I have always know this and have removed myself from them physically when I cannot get my shit under control.  I cannot remove myself any longer...... but I have the tools now to fix my disruptive energy.

Writing it out here is my tool. Coming to talk to you my Love, is my tool.

 In the past I have bounced a bit over the idea that dumping my bullshit is a dirty action and moving right into the fluffy feeling is the way to go.  I have separated the process and done only bits and pieces to see what works and what feels right.   But,   I have come to understand to effectively share a process you have been through recently is to already have a solution to your own problem.

In the meetings I attend.  I used to spin white light on my situations in a false fashion as a people pleasing tactic.   That's not a positive message as people feel the under current of my bullshit, as do my kids right now with my anger.  However the person who moves past people pleasing and just spews their anger and leaves it at that, infects all those people in the room with their venom.  Leaving everyone again in a negative place. I have been doing that recently.

I have done both those things here in these letters to you Love.

And you have known it... this i know.

Maybe I need to work through the process in private with a trusted friend or mentor(sponsor).  Maybe....Only once I have the solution can I then share it in a fashion that will help me express the feeling and the positive solution at the same time.  Thereby transmuting the negative feeling into something positive??

AH hA!  

And again I am distracting from the original ball of yarn.

See how easy it is for me to seduce myself with words.

How easy it is for my own lack of self honesty and my own inner desire to feed off distractions instead of getting vulnerable and dealing with my shit, lest I live in this fucking hole forever!

......Okay So I am climbing out of my hole.

Yes it is MY hole.  I have gotten very intimate with this hole, spent much time in there.  I know every nook and cranny and have even made friends with the huge spider that lives in the north wall.  I have seen her cycles and watched her spider eggs hatch a thousand babies.  This is my hole and for many years I have called it home.  Much more comfortable in this hole then on the busy street above.

Ya.  That was  long time ago.  I don't like this hole anymore.

I do so love walking in the fresh air and light.  I love bumping into people and getting to know them.  I really do love rushing to work along this street and shopping it on my days off.  I just adore sitting on the bench and listening to the birds sing and watching the dogs play.

Yup I love this street...

 ......except for the big fucking hole in the center of it.

How the fuck did I fall in it again?

Oh right... Portia nailed it... Habit.

I have been sharing lots with people lately.. funny how I am only catching this now as I write.. in order to quit smoking I had to change my entire days routine.

 I share that its not the nicotine that got me the most,  but more the morning smoke with my coffee and the one on break at work.  And the I must must must have one after I eat.... and so on.  I haven't smoked for 7 years now and have never ever looked back.  I don't even refer to myself as an ever been smoker.  Disgusting habit.

How did I quit that so easily and not these other disgusting habits I have?

 I went in for surgery and knew that I would be in the hospital breaking my routine for four days.  It was enough for me to start planning four months ahead of time, preparing my mind for the transition. I would quit then.  I lined my mind up with the break in routine. 

I completely moved to a new street.  Changed absolutely everything in order to quit smoking.

It's time to move to another street in my life again.

The hole I just fell in is the one that starts with the obsession and compulsions of over eating.  In the same moment the obsession to fill the void with romantic love is born and the compulsion to seek out the guys that cannot give it to me is born.   When this last obsession is left to run wild, then soon to follow is the pain numbing drugs.

And this is where I sit Love.

On a ledge along the east side of my familiar hole.  

Almost wondering how I got here but in my heart of wisdom knowing fully what happened. So what I truly sit here with is seething anger at myself for not being stronger and smarter.

Followed in close second by disgust and shame.

Now, neither of those two energies get a person out of a hole so I need to express them and transmute them into something positive so I can take that last step out of the hole.  But before I do that I must run to the store and get an energy sucking coffee.

 I will change streets tomorrow, but for today I will continue to indulge in those things that put me in the hole in the first place..... sex or drugs anyone??   Joking... ?


Okay I am back.  Not high.  Not sexed.  Just blitzed on caffeine.  Did you enjoy the video while I was gone.  Courtney Love gets me.

So how did I fall in the hole again, not Courtney Loves, but my own?  lol  I wonder if one of my male counterparts is asking himself the same thing about my hole?

Sorry distraction.

 I have learned that I am queen of deceit, self and otherwise.  I can talk my way around a hole and convince people that I am not even in the's just their imagination.  And the real deceit is that I believe that above line so fully that it keeps me spinning my own lies while everyone else has to sit and watch me kamakazi out of control.

Okay so here it is.

I have been switching tracks this past year.  I have started taking a course that has connected me to new people and a new way of life.  I have been shifting and changing and it feels amazing.  I love training to be a hypnotherapist.  It's always been on my path to do.

 When people say find your purpose in life, whats your destiny?    I realize being a healer has always been my calling I just didn't find the avenue that fit me until now.  Since starting this course my life has seeded and shot blooms into areas of my reality I never even knew existed until now.  I have begun to tap my potential and it feels amazing...

And way to scary.

I have been here before.  I have switched streets before.

I went from fat, lazy and no ambition for life..... to a healthy, thriving female once.  In that transition my friends all changed, my career line changed and even my Partner changed.   It was a huge street change in my life.  One that I did not fair well with.  At the height of all this change I panicked and tumbled down from the top of my mountain.  I lost every thing.  My job.  My car.  My marriage.  and even my kids.  Followed by my self respect, and my will to live.  

I have come back from that now.

I am now building a new life and find myself switching tracks yet again.

And the fear is overwhelming.  So much easier to eat, sex and drug then face that kind of fall again.  Its that fall that brought me to drugs.  Before that food was sufficient enough to keep me asleep and in ignorance to my life's goals and paths.  After that awakening food could no longer do it.

I am escalating in the ways I force myself off path.  I am allowing my obsessions to keep me distracted from what my true potential is in life.  I feed myself all these lies that I need the object of my obsession before I can move forward.  When in truth its the fear of taking responsibility for my dreams and feeling that I cant do it alone.

 Its fear that feeds the lies, the obsession and leads to the compulsions.

My hole is fear.

I fear my own light.

I fear shifting paths and leaving behind those people, situations and objects that choose not to come with me or who's paths are not along side mine.  Its not comfortable to leave behind those things even if the new experiences catapult you into greater feelings of love and bliss.

Quitting smoking was awesome.  Getting fit was even better.  Not being interested in socializing with the smokers as they went outside every five minutes was kinda lonely.  Not having anything in common with my husband anymore was heart wrenching.  But feeling good about myself and in my own skin was amazing and well worth the changes that I had to go through.

So now transmuting my anger that has been unearthed as fear into something more positive is to shift my thoughts and awareness.  I have been caught in the focus of what I will lose if I keep building.   When in reality if I were to focus on what I am building only, then there will be no falling back in the hole because I would change streets without even realizing it.  

There is a bible saying somewhere, where Jesus advises the people keep their eyes on him.  Always keep your eyes on what you want, what brings you love.  Thus the distractions will not take you down the back alleys and into the hole you have made a habit of falling into.

So today I am refocused and back on track.  I am riding my bike again which means for me head clearing time and positive body movement.  Which always leads to eating properly and filling myself up with clean energy.  Which strengthens my resolve to not play with the boys that will not satisfy my desires anyways and therefor not cause the spin into drugs.   So if i am not in that negative, angry shameful place, where will I be?  

In the place of growth, higher energy vibrations, increased frequencies.  Drawing new experiences and people into my world and starting to live the life I have always imagined for myself.  On stage and in private practice, motivating and supporting positive change in people willing to do the work.

So My love, do you forgive me?

You are my focus.  My one and only.  It is you that gets me through, it is you that is healthy for me.  for you are an extension of me.  Love, I am You.  It will only be me that gets me through.

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