Sunday, April 20, 2014

Getting right with Myself

So I pulled out my coffee maker today.

A definite sign that I am back in active addiction.  Not to mention that I am high as a kite too and its only 9 am on a Sunday ...But its Easter Sunday and thats a holiday for celebration.... so its all good right?

The true proof though that I am back in the cycle of obsession is that connection with the dealer and the fact I smoked when I didn't even want to.  Compulsion reared its ugly head.  Game on.

The power of denial amazes me beyond any magic I could conjure.  I have been living in such a deep hole in my street kinda pit of denial these past few months.  I overeat like its my new normalcy now.  I am back up to the two helpings of food even when I am stuffed already.  I have traded water for coffee, veggies for sugar.   These are warning flags in my world that I am not dealing with something.   I know this and have for a very long time.  Yet I am back to wake and bake status.  Did I miss something?

Denial.  I had it all under control.  I was super tired from over working and there for it was okay to eat like shit.  I had no time or energy to shop and prep properly.  Those were my excuses even though i knew that if i ate well i would have more energy.  I was already caught though in a resentment.  And the resentment had already trapped me into denial.  Fucking sneaky bugger!

My addiction always progresses then into chasing the unattainable guy.  I have analyzed this one so much I am sick to death from it.  I don't know what it is that draws me to guys, I don't know what it is I want but I do know that I obsess like crazy about them once my mind has been turned in that direction.  And again I knew at this point that I was really hiding from something now not only in my emotions but also in my mind. With Food I am compulsive but with guys I am obsessive.  I cant be compulsive with guys... its the game that hooks me, thats the high.

When i get to this point I always know its a huge huge turning point in my addiction.  I cant play dirty.  I just cant.  It, I now realize builds a resentment with my own self.  I turn the original emotional upset inward.  Fucking around with guys is like taking fists to my own face, it's a ridiculous pain to endure.

When I was working a program of recovery this would be the place I stopped.  I would have a clear enough mind to understand a resentment needs to be dealt with or a feeling needs to be expressed.  I would see or be shown very quickly by people who can spot my demise, the pain I was heading into and the people I was hurting.

But I am not working a program.  I havent been since the winter when overwhelm set in.  When I know now I was suppose to ask for help.  The guilt and shame of the 'know betters' are threatening to drown me if I don't shake them off and refocus.

 I have to refocus.

Because I have now progressed into drinking a bottle of wine like its a cup of coffee. I inhale doobies like they are my new food.  It's 9 am and the dope was more important then breakfast.  Denial is fading.   Its no longer needed I am hooked back in.

 I know where I go from here.  I know what my next step looks like if I dont get right with myself.  My next step isnt a step at all... its a fall from a skyscraper, out of the pent house apartment where I just spent a ravishing three days with complete strangers and crystal of the wrong kind.

I don't need to ask how I got back here.  I need to ask how the fuck do I get out of here.  I asked for Spiritual guidance last night.  Clearing my resentments is the first step.  I gotta get some shit off my shoulders.
I have stopped talking to my friends, clammed up as tight as an oyster shell.  I need to open up again.  Always difficult to get vulnerable with the people closest to you, or at least thats my challenge right now.

..'And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom' --Anais Nin

I am in pain.  I am ready to make the change that was too painful to make a few months ago.  I am ready to get honest again and express my feelings in truth.   Who am I kidding I am not fucking ready.  I dont even want to quit, I like smoking again.  I am not ready to get honest.  But if I dont I will not head into the light and to a great future I can already see clearly.

 I gotta get right with myself.  I gotta reconnect to my higher purpose.

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