I remember the crazy using dreams I have every time I quit. Normally they start to surface within a couple months of getting clean. Those dreams that you wake up in a cold sweat because you swear to God that you got high while you were asleep. Whenever I go on a fast the second or third day I dream of binging and wake feeling like such a failure.
These dreams aren't like the ones I had.
I am looking at what the word dream means, to help me understand the importance to the two linked dreams I have had. If I am gonna have an obsessive mind I might as well put it to good use and over analyze something that is fun and interesting instead of the guy that was texting me last night.
I am sharing these dreams here as I think they are completely relevant to the situation change in my life. But let me not jump ahead to quickly... like a quick draw and I miss the entire meat an potatoes of the intimate experience. haha meat and potatoes leaves me with a whole new intimate visual.... Lets just marry all my addictions into one shall we. lol
Okay Okay.... damn my mind is scattered when I use. No focus whats so ever.
There are two different definitions of the word dream. One of those definitions is connected to our aspirations, our desires for the future. I dream of becoming a world known Hypnotherapist (shoot for the moon and land among the stars, I am happy with just being a damn good one.) That type of dream is the type I work with in my sessions. We all have desires we day dream about, some healthy for us and well, others maybe not so much. When I speak of creating our own reality, its these types of dreams that I refer to.
But I am not talking about this kind of dream either.
I am exploring the ones that happen too us in a sleep state.
I know fully that everything i experience is created somewhere within my own dreamscape as mentioned above already, but what I question is when does Spirit... God... or Guides step in an intercede? The dreams I had recently felt like they were happening too me and not of my direct making.
One of the things that fascinates me in life is understanding the chain of events that ripple through a desire being manifested in reality. I choose to smoke drugs and the chain of events is almost always the same. The choice to smoke was made in a dream many many months ago however. I longed to get high, I thought about it, fantasized it and added feeling to it.... and well my greater then conscious mind took that as what I wanted and created the opportunity for me.
These dreams last night were not of any sort of longing. They felt way more like a warning to me. A harsh one. I will only share one here as the other one is very intimate and sacred to me.
After coming home early from work today because I was exhausted from what felt like a night of no sleep, i headed straight into another bout of fitful sleep. Of course not before an internal battle with myself to get high.
I had the house to myself and nobody would know and it would be the last time.... all the promises and lies I tell myself each and every time. So I decided in the end to have a nap first its the reason I came home and then if I still wanted to get high after I could.
It was moments into falling asleep as it always is with my warning dreams. That I found myself at a house party with an old using friend of mine. I was uncomfortable to be there. I knew I was entering the choice of crossing the threshold from the softer to the harder drug. I didn't beat around the bush I asked her straight out is she was still using these days. She didn't hesitate to throw back that her new favorite was an intense drug.
I instantly felt the surge of excitement, followed rapidly by the fear of opening Pandoras box. I sat back and contemplated my next move. I hadn't used yet, I could still walk out. Yet everyone looked like they were having so much fun and whats the harm I can always come back when I want right??
It was then that the dream shifted energy and I came to realize that all these people were not my friends. I was reminded of a time in my teen years that I got into a very hostile situation and ended up on the beaten up end of things. So I braced myself for the first blow from the girl standing in front of me. She looked at me quizzically and said 'we don't do things that way here' and she reached out and touched my arm.
Instantly I felt like she had taken over my mind and was filling me with images that were hurting me. I closed my eyes and squeezed my brain shut. The whole time praying or more like begging for my spirit to understand that I don't want to get high. I changed my mind, I don't want this path. I could see the images I could see where i was going. I cried and tried to block it out. I didn't want to create this outcome that was being put into my mind.
In what felt like forever but was mere seconds the girl that controlled my mind let go of my arm and I fell to the ground. I could feel everyone smirking knowing that I was now one of them. I felt so angry and desperate in my dream. I got up and ran hard to the front door. I tried to turn the door knob but it was like my mind was so tranced that simple functions were lost in there. I finally did get it open and got to the end of the yard before I was tackled by one of the guys in the party.
I cried with so much feeling to this guy that I didn't want to use. I didn't want this path. Please let me go, I begged him.
Then I woke up. Feeling that intense state of resolve not to walk that path, not to get high.
I definitely didn't feel like getting high now.
These dreams happened too me. I know in my heart that I was saving myself. My spirit is the one that is begging me not to follow this path. It's my own soul, my higher self or even my greater then conscious that is now communicating back to me in a fashion I can finally understand.
My dream last night had the same message just in a different area of addiction for me. I was given clear focus and guidance in that dream. I spend so much time in thought and so much of my passion lives in understanding the mind and how spirituality plays a part in its functioning that these dreams are my language with spirit. My spirit spoke loud and clear to me today.
Why today though?
Last night in a group of people a prayer was spoken. I know now without a doubt that in my reality when group of people of like minds meet together and call in a higher power... mountains can be moved, miracles happen.... Source energy is ignited. I made the white tag walk with humility, publicly displaying my intention to stop using and walk the white tag path. It was a magical ritual. That spell worked its magic last night in my dream and again today in my nap.
I have spiritual backing now. Thats whats different. I have accessed the Higher Power greater then myself.
I am learning that the age of Aquarius is about community. I cannot tap spiritual power alone. I can find love within myself and I can vibrate at a higher frequency on my own. I can tap my own higher self who is connected to the source on my own. However when in a setting where there are more then two people with the same focus and spirit is called in their is a much deeper energy created then can be done alone.
I am grateful to be connected to that energy again. Sometimes I just need a boost and I get running smoothly again. I am getting right with myself again.