Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Messy emotional Suppression!!



Sometimes I forget what this blog is really about.    Suppression to Expression.  

I lose myself in my own crazy way to often.   I get wrapped up in the details and the triggers and miss the real issue.  My feelings and poor expression there of.

When I am angry its always because I am hurt.

 Anger being a secondary emotional and all.  I used to skip the whole being angry part and go right to being hurt and feeling victim.  I missed the Beauty and Power in actually allowing myself to be angry.    In suppressing my anger my life would always take these terrible turns for the toxic.

Emotions really are...... energy in motion....  If I am not willing to allow that energy to flow in the natural way it needs to, it will find a way somehow to release on it;s own.....  Or better yet explode on its own.

Thats when things start to get toxic in my world.  Thats when I quit friends or jobs,  to find a way out of the anger, to run away from it, hoping not to have to deal with it.   Unfortunately,  it doesn't work that way either.  Because even though the in the moment emotion has had its out, the issue that caused it still hasnt been dealt with.  And well I am all to aware now of what happens when the issues are left unresolved.   They come up over and over again in new forms.

So how does one sit in the emotion?  How do you 'work through it'?

My emotions feel so huge to me.   I know that without a doubt I am bi-polar.   A psychiatrist diagnosed me as such last summer.  I refused to accept that diagnoses and still do today.   Only because I refuse to take medication to 'even' me out.   Not because I am against the idea of being evened out....but because I know with proper self care I can keep myself even.

Thats the whole point of this blog,

I lost sight of handling my emotions.  Instead I let them dictate and control my life.    !! Man what I need is an Emotions Anonymous!   (I think there are groups like that in the big cities.)   Because I am telling you, emotions are wreaking more havoc in my world then dope ever did.... I see now it was only self medication.

But I digress a bit, I still don't know how to effectively handle my emotions.   I cant seem to let them just flow, without freaking out and making huge waves in my own life.   I don't know how to just sit with them instead of always being so reactive.    I just quit my job because a douche bag 25 year old rocked my world so hard that what I built, is actually crumbling.

And,  now I know that seems mellow dramatic and I am not looking at all sides of the picture.  There was obviously lots of reasons that I need to move on from there.... but lets be honest that was for sure the emotion that set forth the events.

So I guess that brings me to my next question.   Do you think some emotions or emotional situations occur, just to move you from one place to the next?  Like the emotion it self is welcomed in the end because it produced good results after the shit show settled?

Because,  even though I swing in wild mood swings, and its truly not okay to roll like this, it still has served some purpose in my life.   That for whatever reason, I was to afraid to make that happen on my own.  I know I should have left the landscaping job after my first burn out.  I had four months to look for a job.  But I just couldn't seem to pull myself away from the money.  I made good money working twelve hour days.  So I went back.  

And now I am done, Again.   Lesson learned........ I am looking for new work.

But what about the emotional outburst as a result of a guy?   I am almost embarrassed that I could barely keep my shit together for the last couple weeks before I quit after the douche bag quit.   I was like almost non functioning!  No joke.   I have no idea if other people feel that way and push through it.  There is no pushing through for me sometimes.  I couldn't get out of bed I was so emotional.  Not sick in the body.  Nope totally paralyzed by emotions.   Seriously my feelings are intense.   I really need to work on this.... I feel just to be normal.

Em-path's can feel other peoples energies/emotions.    Your words may be saying one thing, but the feelings vibrating from your body say something totally different.  I struggle with this one and it was only recently that a friend pointed out that not all people can truly feel an others emotions.

Highly sensitive people(borderline personality disorder) can feel everything off everyone and also have heightened personal feelings.  I think this is like em-paths on smack.  cause this is when things get harry scary for me.  I can do okay when I am working and self absorbed in work which for me I can shut my feelings off for.   Then i am only dealing with other peoples energies.  But when I throw romance in there, my over drive goes into hyper and I am overwhelmed with intense feeling.  Making the personal feelings themselves almost unbearable.

Throw in Bi-polar highs and lows.

Man I am telling ya,. My feelings are Whacked out.  Completely out if sync.  No self care.  No time for self care, had to work work work.

Well its time for self care.  I cant be this highly charged, this over sensitive.   I need to settle and calm.  This I know because a doctor told me I was bi polar.  I don't want to crash this time.   I don't wanna slip into a two year depression,   because of the last six month incredible high I was on.

Ahhhh man, and it was high,  C'mon ...... he was 25!!

It was a high for sure.  The low to match it though.... could kill me.   So I am bringing myself back down.

Meditation back on like donkey kong.

I feel reconnected after my recent camping trip.... four days in nature, much time alone. Now I am able to feel at peace during my meditations.  Yoga is way more slow and calming now.  Daily I do the same routine and already two days in,  I can stretch almost where I left off months ago.  I am grateful healthy routine comes back so easily.

I am cooking for Chloe.... and its good.  Omg!  We had bbq chicken last night and it was so so so good.  I even made her a warm breakfast this morning.  Like for real, right!   A warm breakfast... I have never made my kids warm breakfasts.  Like ever.   That is self care, taking good care of my responsibility.

Feels good to me.  A deeper kind of good then the kind I was getting making fast money.

It really is all about self care and doing what is necessary to feel better and get back into life.  ....And actually maintaining that level of self care as best you can when life gets busy again.  Thats the complacency part recovery.  You have to keep up with your self care in order to maintain what you have.

Now that I am evening out.  I feel like I am waiting for a tidal wave to crash on my head unsuspecting now that i am relaxed.  The universe maybe thinking I am ready to face some of those stupid emotions that burst forth like the girl in exorcist spewing green goo.  I am not sure there is anything more to process now that I exploded them forth.

Maybe now its just time to lick my wounds and move forward into something a bit more simple for my over zealous emotional butterfly flitting self!!

Yup,   this blog is about feelings, not dramas.  I am getting to old for dramas.

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