Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Moving On.. Walking the Unknown

'Focus is here for you because you are here for Focus'.   That is a cut out I have on my vision board that's been there for well over a year now.  I liked the car's ad because at the time I was having a hard time focusing on getting clean.  So I cut it out and pasted it to my vision board to help me stay focused on eradicating drugs from my life.

At some point along the way the positive energy of that slogan has lost it's power.  As my reality removes itself from my life of drugs I find the slogan has a sour reminder of the darkest days of my current existence.  My focus is changing, yet looking at that cut out day after day my focus is brought back to the desolation of my past.  Positive power now turning negative.  My focus has changed.

As I move away from that phase of my life, I find it difficult to transition.  My all or nothing attitude wants to cut everything and everyone out of my life that was either connected to my using days or part of my recovery from my using phase.  My desire to put that whole part of my life behind me is strong.  Letting go of the past in order to open the door to the future has always been an all or nothing thing for me.  I ask myself....' How has that worked for ya?'

Not very well.  I am just not all that graceful with change and transitions.  I am uncomfortable with the fact that my attention from the past two years is now shifting.  I am challenged with how to move away from that gracefully and with dignity.  I am faced with the fear of slipping back into dope once I give up my crutches.  These concerns have been my new focus for the past few months and quiet honestly they are sucking my energy out.

Learning to make decisions and not sit on the fence has always been a struggle for me. After reading a close friends story yesterday I know I am not alone in that.  I have been sitting on the fence. Hold on to my past year and what has worked, yet jump over the fence and move into new.   New and exciting ways of creating a different reality for myself.  I can't sit on this fence anymore, my ass is getting sore.  I took down the focus sign yesterday as I was deep cleaning my living room and kitchen.  As I rearranged the furniture to better suit the season upon us, I too began to change my inner world to reflect the changes within me.

So here it is......

I will no longer focus on addiction here in this blog.  I no longer want to beat a dead horse.... speaking of dead horse I had a pretty powerful dream about horses the other night that actually awakened me to this realization that I post about now.  Let me share the dream it is relevant......

..... I was going to meet my son at a restaurant.  I had a choice of taking my Shetland pony or my stallion.  I chose automatically the Shetland pony as I always did.   I was comfortable with the pony although it moved way slower.  I was in a rush however and knew that the stallion would be a way better choice... I was afraid of the stallion.    I didn't know him all that well.  After what seemed forever I decided  I would face my fear and take my stallion.  But when I went out to the stable to get him, he was gone.  I was upset.  When I got to the restaurant explained to my son why I was so late.  He informed me that some guy came and got the horse.  My horse was repo'd because I forgot to make the recent payment on him.  I was so upset that I finally got the courage to ride him and cause it took me so long to make that decision he was gone......

Horse means power.  The dream was telling me that I keep choosing this lower power because its comfortable and familiar to me.  My lack of making a decision to move forward and embrace the real power available to me is going to cause me to lose it entirely.  Self sabotage and lack of self care is going to be the culprit that does the dirty deed for me.  I woke up from this dream a few days ago knowing what I need to do.

It's time to move my focus off drugs and move it on to my life  moving forward.  I have an amazing support group around me that do not use drugs or overeat, woman that have learned how to handle and express their feelings and women that know how to live in the real world.  I have two beautiful daughters that keep my focus strong on my role as a mother and therefor my need for intense self care so that I may lead them into brilliant lives.  I also have a job where I am comfortable sharing my feelings and setting boundaries.  Divinity put me in the perfect place to learn and grow.. safely.

Now don't get me wrong, Social acceptability does not equal recovery.  I am not in the mind set that I have arrived and all is good now.  Actually quiet the opposite, I am shitting the bed over my decision to pull back from addiction focus.  I have been taught that anything I put before my recovery I lose.  And for me that meant if I am not going to at least two meetings a week and reading daily literature then I am sure to backslide.  I have come to realize that's not my recovery.  That was my treatment.

My illness is in remission and to keep it there I must not live in constant fear that it will return by keeping constant focus on it.  To keep it in remission I must have the courage to get on the stallion and move forward in my life.  I must practice self care at all times, I must keep learning and growing and I must give back what I have been given.  I used to also believe that giving back was only to other addicts, but my Higher Self has shown me otherwise.  I give back to my girls everyday that I practice taking care of myself and therefor teaching them how to care for themselves.  I give back through this blog.  I give back by helping other women who have experienced trauma in their lives practice the twelve steps... regardless of their addictive hangup.

Learning to walk in my own light and not be seduced by other people in their lights has been a challenge for me.  It's a scary decision to make a Stand for something.... to make a stand for yourself.  I don't handle peoples opposing opinions all that well.  I am still pretty impressionable and easily swayed to popular belief.  My lesson to learn in this I am sure will be just that.... learning to be the oak tree and just bend in the wind and not break.

So for my next post I want to share my daily meditation routine with you.  The benefits and spiritual awakenings I have had as a direct result of the practice is too great not to share.  I might even write a second blog today I am so excited to get on with my life!!   ........ Moving on.

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