Saturday, July 13, 2013
Avoiding to Self Protection
...... the last time I posted my computer crashed at the very end of what I thought was a fabulous post. I lost everything! Which normally doesn't happen because this program saves as I go. But for whatever reason all was lost and I just didn't have it in me to rewrite it all. That is reason number one.
Reason number two is Avoidance. As I was just opening the blogger window I was contemplating what to write about today, my first thought was tolerance as it is something I am learning on a daily basis lately. However the real reason I have not been here is because I have been avoiding.
What I should process through here is if I am indeed avoiding and if I am, what exactly it is that I am avoiding. So lets start there......
I have always known that I am a runner. When things get tough I hit the pavement at mach10, never looking back. I have walked away from great jobs because I couldn't handle the situation. I have lost friendships because of unresolved conflict. Many Many broken hearts have ensued from my lack of facing issues within romantic relationships. Ultimate avoidance at any cost has always been my coping strategy.
So why do I do this? What am I so afraid of? Am I just a big fat coward??
I live under the assumption that I am a lover not a fighter and choose peace over chaos. Which to some extent I do stand by. I will not engage in a physical battle with anyone, it's not in my nature. I will not let someone push me around or talk down to me, I have a growing respect for myself. Do I always run from upholding that respect? No, just recently I had a sit down with my bosses for this exact reason. So maybe I am learning to not run away all the time.
I can see now from that last paragraph that I am in the process of learning not to avoid. That was a scary situation to sit down with my bosses and not just quit my job and run away like normal. So growth is occurring. Maybe what I am processing through right now then is learning what needs to settle on its own and what I need to take care of for myself, for myself. Avoidance or stepping back till the air clears and calmer minds prevail? Avoidance or silence and inner connection to understand my part in the situation?
I am learning that I cannot clean up other peoples shit. I cannot hold the hand of another through their shit, I cannot lead another out of their shit either. Assuming responsibility for other people has been my problem in the past and contributed to my need to bolt and avoid when things don't work out the way I want them too.
I can only be responsible for my part in things. To avoid is to ignore that. I make amends when I have hurt someone or did something that goes against my own morals. In this particular current situation in my life of a love triangulation strangulation, I made amends to the person I hurt. Its not my responsibility to force them to accept the amends. And sadly in this case the amends were not accepted and the emotional energy on their part has escalated to physical attacks directed towards me. Where does avoiding end and self protection begin?
Cleaning up ones side of the street is sometimes painful business. Making amends for me goes deeper then just words, its in my actions and continued path. I have matched my actions to my words which has pushed me into a place of heart break and loss. Not a bad thing as I brought it on myself from the beginning but to ignore the heartbreak is to ignore my real feelings and that is the bottling avoidance I have lived under my whole life. So really am I avoiding the situation if I am taking action by not contacting and staying involved? Outwardly it looks like no action is happening but inwardly I am fighting an incredible battle between my will and morals.
So if I am doing my part in this situation to correct my inner demons, how do I deal with the little physical demons that yank my hair out from the back of my head when I am not looking? Jesus says to turn the other cheek and let her slap both of them... you can say I did that. However now I find myself not wanting to face that conflict again so choosing to stay insulated in the safety of my home and circle of friends. It reminds me of isolating and I wonder if the fear will cause my world to shrink again until I am back at the using game. Rounding the finish line of my one year cake, I am too close to a major milestone to allow that to happen. So a new level of unavoidance must be conquered I think. I will attend my own beloved home group, feeling the fear of confrontation and doing it any ways. I will continue on my own path of recovery and know that between me and my higher power I am walking in the light and doing the right thing.
Coming up against people that actively live and love their character defects is something I am going to have to learn to accept and tolerate along my journey... learning to have love and compassion for these people is the ultimate lesson I will learn...... once I get through avoidance.