Friday, November 28, 2014

Q-TIP: Quit Taking It Personally, Higher Power Help!!

Four of the Twelve Step Program are about Prayer and mediation.

1.  Admit life is unmanageable
2.  Come to believe in a Higher power
3. Begin to build a relationship with said higher power
4.  Take a good hard look at my part in unmanageable life
5. Share dirty secrets with another human being
6. Dig up character defects and assets
7. Work with higher power to manage these defects
8. Admit I have hurt some people
9.  Begin making amends to some of these people
10. Take daily inventory of previous steps
11. deepen connection with higher power
12. Share experience with those that seek it

So how is it that even though I am deep in the program of recovery that I forget to meditate?  That is how i connect with my higher power and for me the only effective way to not only pray but actually receive guidance.  How do I 'forget' to do this?   Actually,  let me get honest... not forget to meditate but go out of my way to avoid it like the plague.

I truly do not understand myself some days.  I come from a back ground of almost 15 years of daily mediation practice, yet when life throws me a curve ball I resort to whining, begging and pleading with a God outside myself.  Why is that?

I have more then enough experience with the tremendous benefits of meditation.  Through meditation, guided, breath work and silencing the mind,  I have not only learned myself better by becoming aware of who I am and what it is I want out of life but I have also been able to attract to me those experiences and situations that I desire with very little effort.

That is until a curve ball hits me, then I throw a fit and shut my higher power out.

I remember writing a list of my dream job.  Oh, this must've been a good ten years ago.  I wrote the list and then began a rigorous mediation routine of yoga breath work for thirty minutes a day. Twenty minutes of visualization of that dream job and guided meditations to clear my bodies energy fields. Within three months I had a job that looked nothing like the job I had visualized.  At first I didn't even recognize it as my dream job until during a visualization meditation one day I realized I was imagining something less then what I had!

This experience has happened too many times to deny the power of meditation in my world.

So why then am I coming off a fucking drug relapse and freaking out about my current job??

Oh ya!  I stopped Yoga breath work.  I stopped visualizing what I want and now I am obsessed with what I don't have.  And I am filling my energy field with toxins!   How do I always land back here??

This is where my addict enters, or my Outer child as is coming up the new Label for that part of me that likes to sabotage.  Inner child's needs don't get met or inner child's feelings get hurt and outer child to the destructive rescue!  So I am reading in my new library find to fix the way my brain works.

I did Yoga breath work today, can you tell?  lol

The benefits of this type of mediation for me are instant.  Already I can see clearly my current job situation as my own inability to let go of slights.  My boss asked me to do something for him.  When I didn't jump up and down with an excited yes, he was annoyed and fired off a slight.  Was it wrong what he did?  For sure it is.  But the reason I love working for him is that he is a recovering addict as well and he has not only understood my emotional outburst and slights he has not at all held them against me.... ever.  So why now am I doing the same too him?

Cause my feelings were hurt and I still have yet to fully understand how to work through that and let go.  I am a hanger onner.  Good or bad if it invokes an emotion I hang on to that, I like to sit in that shit.  I am not so sure that's a good thing.  My mind then begins to play this elaborate drama and before I know it I have quite my job and I am working for half the pay in a situation that is a ridiculous fit for me.  This is how I always operate and why I always end up at square one.

So yesterdays rant about saying No is a good one.  The backlash its had on my mind though is not a good one.  I shared about this situation at my NA meeting last night and walked away still feeling like shit.  I talked to my support group and still got no relief.  I did three out of the four things I am learning to do when something is bothering me.... I just happened to forget the one I probably should go to first.... My higher power.

Building that relationship with my higher power and connecting with my own internal intuitive system is really the foundation of the steps.  As I stated in the beginning of this post, four of the twelve steps are directly about our higher powers.  The other eight steps are the steps that clear away the shit so that you can love yourself the way your higher power does....

I am glad I found my yoga breath this morning and I look forward to speaking to my boss early next week.  I am grateful to have this writing avenue for my thoughts to play in.  I am beyond words for the expression of love I have for my friends and I am looking forward to a meeting this weekend to share my new discovery of my crazy thought patterns.

Life is back to good..... For today.  Let me remember to connect again tomorrow.  Oh, Goddess, please!!

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