Sunday, May 18, 2014

H.A.L.T: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.

I am always going on about Self care.  Naturally, this is another post about that.

Learning, relearning and peeling away new layers of the self care onion is obviously an ongoing experience for me.  I have posted in the past, in depth, all the ways we need to take care of ourselves in order to be healthy.  Today I am not only having to revisit them, I am seeing how pushing myself at work is a sore spot in my self care regime.

Workaholism is another form of addiction.  A way to distract ourselves from life and our potentials.  It is such a honored and worthy form of addiction in the society that I live in.  Too have a job and work twelve hour days and to be tanned and toned and feel like I am a productive member of society is way too prided in my world.  Today I feel the effects of this as I struggle to post here in my weekly favored fashion.  I have given up my passion for society acceptance.

Well that's one layer of the onion and not the entire truth.  I love working hard, it makes me feel good inside.  I love being outside.  I like having tanned skin and don't buy into the cancer bullshit.  I completely adore my body for the ability she has to rip circles around the 19 year old young bloods.  My job gives me moral satisfaction when I can pay my bills, enjoy life's pleasures and save for something that brings me joy.

Its not my job or society that is the issue in my self care at the moment.  It's my inability to see when I go to far.  I am learning that when I get tired I begin the stinking thinking process.  Energy is a funny thing that I am just learning how to manage.  When all my energy goes into work, my self care begins to suffer as I have no energy for it.  When I am in obsession with a guy, my entire life suffers because I have no energy to focus anywhere but on my all consuming obsession.  Energy is our choice to direct, and our discipline to obtain.

I am out of energy right now.  I used it all to get through my six day work week.  72 hours I worked this week.  I am drained.  I cant think about staying clean.  I cant think about eating properly.  I cant think about meditating.  I just wanna quick fix.   I want to get high.  I want to get drunk.  I want to get laid.  Those take no thought.  Those are natural and easy paths for me to assume instant gratification and give me a boost of momentary energy.  Like sugar gives you a jolt.

I am getting sMrT though.  I realize that as with sugar all my instant vices will leave me feeling more drained shortly after the glorious jolt.  Better then, to take the time I need to recharge my batteries the proper way.  For me that is spending time alone.  I need to be away from people that want to share energy with me.  I have none to give right now and I do not wish to draw off theirs.  I need to reconnect with my higher power through a good deep session of meditation.

I spent the evening in a luxurious bath.  I deep conditioned my poor dry dirty broken hair.  I masked my face to replenish my skin from the harsh wind and sun of the week.  I sat in oatmeal water to re-hydrate my skin and then spent loving time applying my favorite body cream.  Then I slipped between my Egyptian cotton sheets and crashed hard for the night.

That is the physical side of my self care.  Now today I need to focus on my mental and emotional side.  My daughters are both gone.  My youngest, I think is at a sleep over(poor parenting due to lack of energy) and my oldest at her fathers.  This is perfect recharge time when I have the house to myself.  I already did my laundry... much needed when the jeans you wear daily are no longer blue but a deep gray color.  I am writing here as it fills me with joy.  I am about to take out my stinking garbage.  And then it will be me and my favorite movie 'Eat, Pray, Love'.  After that I will do as my spirit requests.  I owe her this time as I have dictated and controlled six days of this seven day week.

So here is to H.A.L.T.  I am no longer hungry as I am feeding my body well today.  I am also feeding my spirit and recharging the energy I need.  I am not angry, this is always the last step of halt for me, when I get to angry I am in serious trouble.  Lonely is the reason why I am reconnecting with my higher power.  It is the process of being in love with my entire being and being happy.  There is no loneliness when you are connected to your source.  And well tired will take a couple days to recharge and the whole reason for this post and my self care regime.

I am learning to identify the very first steps in my process of decline back into full blown addiction and loss of my life's focus.  Obsession is a nasty place to be and I am finally out of it.  I have no desire to go back there and I am willing to work that extra bit to make sure I am filling up with the light and not indulging Lady Vixen.
Thank you for reading my post and I wish you the best day of your life today, and everyday!!

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