Sunday, May 26, 2013
Making Amends Helps Another Addict
Making amends and one addict helping another......
I must be very mindful of how I present my thoughts and observations here. I need to always write from my own place of being and not expose that of another. In a previous blog I was always sharing personal stories that involved other people and I see now just how uncool that was. When people know who I am in the real world they can put two and two together and gather a lot of info on a person even if I don't include their names. So learning how to tell my story without divulging another's is what my goal for this blog is..... tricky business.
But again I digress before any progress.
I had to make amends this week. An amends to a person that triggered me and my first thought was to avoid like the plague. Run away. Thats what I do all the time and now I am realizing in ALL situations. I already know I am a runner in romantic relationships but I had no idea how much of a runner I am in any form of conflict. I couldn't run this time and as a matter of fact... I am feeling any time, any more. I am living life differently now.
I found my addict coming alive when I got around this person. After just a few hours in the presence of this beings energy I was slipping into the realm of my Lady Vixen (my cold hearted addict persona). Romancing and reminiscing the good ol days of doping and parties, increasingly vulgar jokes, disrespecting myself and others...... Mere moments and Vixen was back in all her glory like she never left.
Two days of this and I truly felt like I had relapsed. I guess this is what they call an emotional relapse. I felt and still do, dirty and used the way I did back in those days. I feel shameful and disgraced. All the yuck is sitting in the surface of my skin and I just wanna crawl out of it. How powerful, cunning and baffling this disease is. After working so hard on my recovery to fall victim so unwittingly is stunning to me. And was each time I relapsed.... this time I didn't relapse (progress not perfection)
After day two I called my sponsor. Cleared my dirty secret and gained guidance. I had to make amends to this person. I was concerned about this move as denial is a funny thing in people still making love with the disease of addiction. Seduction and acceptance all to alluring for me. Yet the disgusting memories and feelings kept me on course... playing the tape till the end. I made the amends.
Quick flip of the scales lead me into a position of one addict helping another. Because then the questions began to flow and the slow subtle acknowledgement that a problem may be afoot was to be whispered out of the lips of a suffering addict outside the rooms. My heart like the Grinches grew three sizes that day as Lady vixen was put back in her cold cage and I rose up again in her place. My New friend asked to attend a meeting.
Life on lifes terms is a series of challenges and obstacles to get through in the course of the day. When I fall asleep at night these days there is no longer one lingering obsession to occupy my thoughts. Everyday is a different thought of overcoming or rising up or stress and frustration at a current challenge being manoeuvred. I am in awe of the complete dynamics of how this universe works and my tiny but seemingly huge part in it.
Another exciting week has past and I find myself slowly incorporating back into my life. Find work life balance definitely a new concept for me to explore and work in my world. A concept I find terribly daunting and frustrating.... yet I continue to trudge the happy road of destiny.
Wishing you a fabulous week and a fun obstacle course.