Past Mistakes:Future Amends

When did I lose my Voice?

Where did I lose my sense of direction and power?

I remember a time when I convinced the CEO of the Company I worked for on a Sunday evening after a three hour conversation to Promote me from a bottom position in the Company to three levels higher then what I was currently at.

Where did that strong woman go?

As I sit here faced with my past work options as possible current future career directions, I am also faced with my mistakes made at each of them.  My self worth has been severely marred.

That Job that I had the overwhelming desire to step out of my bubble of comfort and persuade my Higher up to promote me, ended up in me walking out when the fire got to hot with my head hanging low.   I failed.

Another Job that has resurfaced as an option for a future move is one where my words almost got the boss canned from her position.  Unknown to me at the time of the power I held with the sentences I choose to speak, I had unwittingly just about cost a really great woman her entire career.  All over my loyal defense for my best friend who had been done wrong by this boss lady.  What I didn't understand then is that it was my friends fight not mine and today I am still paying for my out of bounds step.  I failed.

My self worth is as shaky as my current job with my wonderful landscaping company is.  My job isn't shaky because of my lack of good work or dedication, its shaky because its a small business that relies on the weather for its cash flow and the weather has not been conducive for the needed amount of cash flow for the coverage of wages.

So I feel defeated and a bit lost.  I feel all my past failures coming back to taunt me.  I hear that little bitch in my head reminding me how I just about fucked over a past boss.  'You deserve this', I hear her scratch.  She continues on to remind me of how hard that CEO worked to get me into my own center only for me to turn tail and run at the first challenge.  That voice is as convincing as I was in my glory days.

As I read a wonderful book about being Love now by Ram Dass who is quickly becoming a strong voice of reason for me, I am implanted with the idea of Experiences as our teachers.   I am a huge advocate of experiencing life and then sharing those experiences with others.  I take harder paths a lot of the time just for the lesson in the experience.  I love everything this world has too offer.

So what is it I am missing in this situation?

I have two past jobs and one current one in Limbo.

I have put in a resume to the Boss I tried to fuck over.  With previous attempts at amends she has refused.   I pray that maybe this time she will let me come back and make it up to her.

I have the phone number of the CEO of the company I couldn't run away fast enough from.  Apparently there center here in my city is in shambles and they are desperate for someone to come pick up the pieces.  Maybe this is my chance to make it right again.

I also have my current Boss bending over backwards to keep me afloat with hours and job duties until the spring kicks into gear and the hours are in abundance.  He respects me and doesn't want to lose me.

As I write this out I can already see the pattern developing.

I am about to screw over my current boss by turning tail and running back to a position I have already fucked up in order to appease my ego and make things right in the past.

The past is dead.

I am terrible at letting things go.  I hold on to an experience until I suck the ever living life out of it, I chew it up until the taste is totally gone, then I spit it into a plastic container to save for another day.  I pull it out to rechew when I have nothing else to turn my stomach and remind me of how undeserving I am of a new piece of meat.

Sad.

I think instead of running back to these old jobs to make my living amends to myself I need to bring what I learned and gained from those experiences into my current position.   Instead of turning tail and running this time I need to stand up and offer everything I have to my current boss.

I bring a lot of assets to this company.  I am an incredible sales woman, I can sell a freezer to an Eskimo.  I can build my bosses residential and commercial client base.  I was seeing double the amount of clients then some of my coworkers at one of those past jobs. Instead of building that old center back up to its previous glory state I could build my current bosses business up to something spectacular.

I can make my boss money and save him so much stress..... if I just got out of my pity party and started using those experiences to lift me up instead of tear me down.  We don't have any control over the challenges we face but we do have control over how we react.  I am reacting like a child throwing a hissy fit and not wanting to put in the work to get what I want.

I want a voice and I want my power back.  I want to be a strong female who teaches her girls how to be stronger females.  I want to be someone who is not afraid to go after what she wants.  I want to be a woman who lives in love, passion and excitement, not one trapped in fear and pity.

So I called my boss just now.

Told him for the month of January I will make my daily wage with calls to spring clients booking our services early this year.  That means twenty clients need to be booked and paid for before the end of that month.... easy.  I asked for a sit down with him and his new HR manager next week to go over the plan I have developed for the upcoming year.  I sold him on the fact that I can and will, if he should agree, to make him a substantially larger revenue this year and save him much stress.

He happily agree'd to the meeting.

I think I just found my voice.  This Stella is gonna get her groove back!!