Living in the Now.  Its a spiritual principal that spreads across all religions and spiritual pathways.  Probably because it is the hardest concept to incorporate into our lives.... for me anyways.

Are you lonely when your Alone?

Loneliness versus being alone.

I have given much thought, contemplation and experience into this topic over the past two years of recovery.

When I was married and living with three kids, a Parrot and a Dog, I felt the deepest loneliness.  This feeling was unidentified then and left me feeling confused and spun me off the rails in search of fulfilment.   I spent the next several years filling this void with drugs, men, and endless parties filled with people.

The loneliness never subsided it grew, every morning I would wake up in a deeper pit of utter aloneness.   The sense of disconnection from everyone in the world, the world and myself included.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and that I was an alien amongst all these humans.  I really struggled with this sense of loneliness.

Coming into the rooms spun me into a whole new process of loneliness and being alone.  For the first time I felt like I connected with people and was around a group of people that finally understood me.  It was a wonderful feeling and I wanted more and more of it.  In the early days of recovery I was with some one 24/7.  Filling my loneliness void with all this new found acceptance and affection.  I was about to overdose on it.

The Virgo in me cannot handle constant interactions with people, I need my space and alone time.  Yet alone time was very bad for my thought processes, so I was caught in a bit of a confusing cycle.  Can't be with people all the time yet cannot spend any time alone.  I see this constantly in the rooms and outside the rooms as well.  People afraid to be alone, yet dislike the people they hang around with.

I found my solution skimming the surface of the 12 steps, just waiting to be picked up by the ready and willing.  Making friends with A higher Power.  To discover and determine what your own higher power is, is the first step to building a relationship with an energy that will keep you company and out of your head when your alone, yet keep you confident when your with others.

For me my higher power cannot be the rooms any more because that puts other people in control of that power.  My higher power is tapped when I am taking care of myself and doing things that I personally enjoy doing.  It took some self discovery to find out what those things are, but now that I know I can tap that power when I am feeling lonely.

As I write this I am again amazed at how advice for my own personal issues of the moment come through the words of the daily meditation book written years ago by several people.  How it works is simply to big for me to understand and I will leave that one to the powers that be.  I have been feeling lonely and seeking out unhealthy avenues to fill that loneliness lately, only to feel more lonely.  I forgot this lesson I have already learned.

The last two days of rain, work has slowed a bit and I have been able to hit the spa and the gym and fill up on the love of my higher power.  I have been able to spend some quality time with my daughter and that has filled up my heart with a love deep.  I have been able to lunch with a dear friend and have connected with another dear friend as well, which always balances me out and provides me with outside perspectives to my life.

I was walking through the park the other day, enjoying my time alone.  It suddenly occurred to me as tears sprung to my eyes, how filled I was and how in love I was.  In love with my life, my self, the world as a whole and the gorgeous blooming cherry tree standing before me.  Being alone is where I feel the least lonely now.  It was only through getting to know, like and love myself that I was able to fill the void of loneliness.

Today I am bringing balance back to the loneliness that was creeping into my heart from working long hours and not taking care of myself.  I am happy again and heading off to the gym for a nice run while I wait for work to decide if this is gonna be a rain day or not!  Have a good one folks!!

Being Carried in the Good Times Too

Todays daily mediation is about our higher powers strength to carry us through life's challenges.  But what about when things are really good, whats carrying us then? 

See my struggle has always been with the good not the challenging.  When my life is falling apart I am comfortable.  I am much better at ripping down what I built over building up the dreams of my heart.  I can easily find my higher Power when life is tough and I am humbled, I find the void when things are going good and I slip back into Ego the true trying times for me.

This past two months with starting a new job has been both wonderful and terrible all at the same time.  Terrible in the sense of feeling disconnected from my routine and thus my schedule of connecting with my world, yet wonderful in the fact I was completely out of my head the entire time.

Let me explain what being in my head means to me.  When I get stuck in my head I am trapped in a viscous circle of thoughts.  Thoughts that run like a hamster on the wheel of my mind.  Chewing and re-chewing idea's, concepts, facts, memories and perceived evils over and over again.  The past couple months I have been far to busy and tired to have any other thoughts then basic needs needing to be met.  Now though things are settling and the thoughts that have been patiently waiting in the background are demanding my attention.

My mind since active addiction has seemed to slip into this low self esteem negative mode where nothing is every good enough and I am destined to lose everything.  I was not always this negative, it bothers me that I am today.  I have so much fear some days I truly wonder how I function.  Then other days  I am full of confidence and grace.   Its the days I can tap my higher power that I feel positive.  It's not always easy today to tap that power.

I am just beginning to understand how much work recovery is.   How much work it is to keep my mind healthy and free from all the debris this world and my own addict wants to fill it with.  How much work it is to hold a regular job and not run when my emotions flare up.  How much work it is to maintain a positive parental role for my daughters and son.  How much work it is to keep my friendships alive and well.   And in all of that there is my desire to be touched in an intimate way by a man.  Which I have no energy left at the end of the day for.

I am not meaning to spin a negative on this, however I am mearly pointing out that I need my higher power to carry me more through the good times then I do the rough ones.  Because its through the busyness of the building that I lose the energy I need to keep building.  It is today that I need to connect with the love and support of my creator.  I need the reassurance and the guidance I am still on the right path.  I need the love and affection to nurture me and help me feel less lonely as I move towards the goals I set for myself a few months ago.

My recovery is not slipping.  I am merely pausing to rest and to have a good cry over all the realizations and understandings I have been awakened to in these past few months.  It is always hard for me to learn a new quality about myself, good or not so good.  Today I am facing so not so good ones.  This is when I use the serenity prayer to get me through and I keep on moving.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day and now I must get moving to work.... loving rain days and the time they gift me.

Making Amends Helps Another Addict

Making amends and one addict helping another......





I must be very mindful of how I present my thoughts and observations here.  I need to always write from my own place of being and not expose that of another.  In a previous blog I was always sharing personal stories that involved other people and I see now just how uncool that was.  When people know who I am in the real world they can put two and two together and gather a lot of info on a person even if I don't include their names.  So learning how to tell my story without divulging another's is what my goal for this blog is..... tricky business.

But again I digress before any progress.

I had to make amends this week.  An amends to a person that triggered me and my first thought was to avoid like the plague.  Run away.  Thats what I do all the time and now I am realizing in ALL situations.  I already know I am a runner in romantic relationships but I had no idea how much of a runner I am in any form of conflict.  I couldn't run this time and as a matter of fact... I am feeling any time, any more.  I am living life differently now.

I found my addict coming alive when I got around this person.  After just a few hours in the presence of this beings energy I was slipping into the realm of my Lady Vixen (my cold hearted addict persona).  Romancing and reminiscing the good ol days of doping and parties, increasingly vulgar jokes, disrespecting myself and others......   Mere moments and Vixen was back in all her glory like she never left.

Two days of this and I truly felt like I had relapsed.  I guess this is what they call an emotional relapse.  I felt and still do, dirty and used the way I did back in those days.  I feel shameful and disgraced.  All the yuck is sitting in the surface of my skin and I just wanna crawl out of it.  How powerful, cunning and baffling this disease is.  After working so hard on my recovery to fall victim so unwittingly is stunning to me.  And was each time I relapsed.... this time I didn't relapse (progress not perfection)

After day two I called my sponsor.   Cleared my dirty secret and gained guidance.  I had to make amends to this person.   I was concerned about this move as denial is a funny thing in people still making love with the disease of addiction.  Seduction and acceptance all to alluring for me.  Yet the disgusting memories and feelings kept me on course... playing the tape till the end.  I made the amends.

Quick flip of the scales lead me into a position of one addict helping another.  Because then the questions began to flow and the slow subtle acknowledgement that a problem may be afoot was to be whispered out of the lips of a suffering addict outside the rooms.  My heart like the Grinches grew three sizes that day as Lady vixen was put back in her cold cage and I rose up again in her place.  My New friend asked to attend a meeting.

Life on lifes terms is a series of challenges and obstacles to get through in the course of the day.  When I fall asleep at  night these days there is no longer one lingering obsession to occupy my thoughts.  Everyday is a different thought of overcoming or rising up or stress and frustration at a current challenge being manoeuvred.  I am in awe of the complete dynamics of  how this universe works and my tiny but seemingly huge part in it.

Another exciting week has past and I find myself slowly incorporating back into  my life.  Find work life balance definitely a new concept for me to explore and work in my world.  A concept I find terribly daunting and frustrating.... yet I continue to trudge the happy road of destiny.

Wishing you a fabulous week and a fun obstacle course.

Spiritual Grounding...A Flight Risk??

Keeping Balance.

That has been a tough concept to bare in mind these past few weeks.  I was reminded many times over those days of the movie 'Eat,Pray, Love'.  There is a scene in that movie where the guru explains to the main character that getting knocked off balance is a part of understanding balance, its an acceptable process of learning and life.

I struggled hard with that life lesson these past weeks.

I love meditation in my life.  Every night I spend 30-60 minutes in my meditation room going through a guided visual meditation.  Each night I choose a new adventure and enjoy greatly the places I journey in my mind.  I pray and play in my God box after the mediation and connect deeply with my higher self.  I love my evenings spent this way doing my tenth step.

Every morning I begin my day with 15 minutes of chakra balancing and grounding/centering.  This starts my day on a balanced note of calm and serenity.  I love my morning practice.

I have been unable to do either these past three weeks.   No excuses.  Every time I tried to go into meditation in the evening I was asleep before the first word whispered out of the speakers of my boombox.  I would shake things up and cut  out the meditation only to zone out during the readings from my God Box.  I felt as if I was insulting my Higher God so I could not proceed.  Even just reading through my tenth step questions proved daunting as by the second word in the first question I would already be asleep.  In the mornings my mind would not cease the chatter, the meditation would be long since over and my mind would still be lost deep in thought of my new jobs day in action.

My whole practice of connecting to my higher power has been a futile venture this past while and it was a bothersome situation for me.   I have grown to cherish my moments with my higher self, look forward to them and come away with such incredible feelings and insight.  I hated not having those moments.

|I could hear warnings of the program in my mind..... anything you put before your recovery you will lose.....  Everyday do something 12 step related or your addict will thrive.....   I was just too damn tired to do any step work, read any literature or even phone a single soul to connect.  No matter how hard I tried I just did not have the energy to extend in that direction.

Today as life begins to settle down again I am seeing the larger picture of my past few weeks.  They don't say hindsight is 20/20 for nothing.

 All the time before starting this job spent in deep ritualistic meditation paved the way for me to make a solid connection with my higher self.  That connection is very solid and very true.  It is a connection that cannot now be easily broken.  Three weeks of changed focus did not abandon my God.   She was holding my hand the entire way.

 I can feel her deep within me every moment now, I don't need the allotted set aside time to recognize the feelings and thoughts that are hers. I realize today I don't need to talk to her everyday to know she is there and in communication with me any more.  I don't need to spend copious amounts of time in ritual invoking her energy so I can understand and feel her love for me.  I no longer need to dive so deeply into the roots of mother earth to know I am always connected and grounded in her nurturing.   This is what all that energy focussed in meditation gave me.  Infancy grown into adolescence.

I am testing my knowledge now.  I am taking what my higher self has taught me over the past few months and I am applying it in the real world.  I am gaining understanding through experience of her teachings.  I am exactly where I need to be on my journey.... I am living life not hiding under the cloak of my God.  I am a teenager eager for experience.

My knock off balance has been nothing more then a mother bird pushing her baby out of the nest to teach them to fly.   What I was so worried about, losing my routine and stability, has actually proved to be one of the most exciting practices of losing the ground beneath my feet.  Why is it that we need something solid to stand upon to feel like we are building a foundation?  Birds are one of the oldest known creatures on the planet and they spend most of their lives in the sky.  Fish were here before anything and they swim freely with nothing beneath their feet.

I put way to much stock into my grounded foundation that I couldn't see the possibilities of flying to the heavens or swimming with the mermaids.  Staying grounded always keeps you forever the baby bird unable to leave momma's safety, always shrouded by Gods cloak... forever the infant.   I see now how I have spent the last 38 years as an infant afraid of the ocean.  Afraid to open my wings and dive off the tree into the freedom of the air.

I realize today..... it's high time I grow up.

Work it because YOUR WORTH it!

It has been over two weeks since I have talked to you and Holy Cow how I have missed you!!  It always amuses me how life can throw a monkey wrench into the most solid routines and turn everything inside out.  One minute your bored out of your mind and the next so busy that you can barely catch a small breath.  

My life needed shaking up, so for that I am grateful, but to be back here with you, even if its for a brief moment is almost orgasmic for me.  You are my personal love.

I thought about reading the Just for Today daily meditation as a topic and then changed my mind to share about how the twelve steps are playing out in my new adventure at work instead.

 Applying these principals in all of my affairs is the topic of the day.

I have had two heated, emotional truly terrifying confrontations with both my bosses at my new job and I am only one month into it.  Many moments within these past two weeks I have wondered if I had made a terribly wrong choice by stepping into this position for work.  I have been pushed to the brink of my physical and emotional limits and can almost say broke my mental limits within this job.  It has been challenging, very challenging.

The rewards of these challenges however....... My comfort zone has grown double its width and my confidence within my own being has expanded.  I have just been blasted with one of those fucking uncomfortable growth experiences again. Actually two of them back to back.

The first time I went to my bosses with my concerns  I could barely get two words out between my ridiculous sobs.  I was beyond tired and could not continue at the pace I was going... physically.  I needed to vent it out because resentments were threatening to take me out of the job at a fast run.  I wanted to quit and never return.  I knew quitting has been an insane action of mine my whole life and for things to be different I needed to handle them differently.

It wasn't pretty but I asked to speak to both bosses and let them know I was about to quit cause I couldn't take it any more and I asked for other options because I didn't really want to quit.  Before I could get that out nicely though,  I had to admit my defects, I had to state my building resentments, I had to ask for help and I had to be willing to accept the guidance.  I had worked a fifth step with my bosses about my work practices and didn't even realize it.  I practised the principal of turning it over to the powers that be in that situation.  Looking at the conversation in hindsight I| realized I almost worked through an entire set of steps within the ten minutes I spoke with them.

The results were better then I could have hoped for.  They pulled me off the job I was doing and gave me a job much more suited for me and I was so grateful and happy I could barely contain my gratitude for this  company, my life and this program of the twelve steps.  In the past I would have bolted and found a new job and decided I hated this field of work and that would have ended that.  How limited my mind has always been, until now.  I don't even understand how I made it this far in life with the way I used to live it.

That gratitude didn't last long however......

I ran into my next challenge within a few days and found myself once again pushed to my limits and this time anger was building and over flowing into my words and actions with management and co-workers alike.

 A specific boss was undermining my ability to do the job and coming at me with cutting remarks.  These little slashes of the tongue were renting huge property space in my head and causing me to make mistakes that were to large for me not to lose my job over.  As this escalated so did my concerns over being fired for my poor quality of work.  I was back in the deep pits of self loathing and stinking thinking.

............An awareness grew for me that dope used to be my answer to all pracitices of destressing and unwinding.  Finding new productive ways to let go of stress and find excitement and joy to move my mind away from the things that rent space in my head is my new focus for recovery.  When I was off work it was easy to make time and find these solutions.  Working ten to twelve hour days presents a new challenge for finding joyous stress releasers.

Thats just a side note...... on with my story....

My great creator and higher power then stepped in as the anger escalated and caused a situation that brought about an uncontrollable stab of my own tongue into my bosses side.  This caused a bit of a roar and another sit down with both bosses.   This time I was the focus of the emotional spewage.  Not backing down I again stated my frustration over the way I was being spoken too by this one particular boss and it turns out this concern had already been stated by other staff as well.  I was heard and the problem was rectified in that moment.

However what came out of that second sit down was my own blaring defect/personality trait of being highly sensitive.  My boss was frustrated by how sensitive I am and I agree'd that I do have issues with this my self.  I don't like that I take everything personally, that every small gesture gets taken in to the deepest regions of my soul, that I love hard and hurt equally as hard...... but that is me and no matter how hard I have worked at turning it over to God, it is part of who I am.

I have learned that not all defects get removed just because we want them gone, they are part of who we are and we must learn to work them to our advantage.  After the blow out in the morning that day, both bosses spoke to me separately about my sensitivity.  I expressed my own concern with this trait of mine and how hard it is for me to find a job where its not an issue.  The owner boss stated that he did not want this quality of mine squashed because on the flip side of the tears was great laughter and wonderful energy that lead the other staff to smile and laugh more.  The other boss also gets the opportunity to manage in a new softer way, learning to handle different staff in different ways.  It was a win win for all involved.

I was validated.

I am learning to stand in the truth of who I am in all situations in my life.  I am beginning to accept and stand up for who I am.  As I write this tears again threaten to erupt.  I am proud of this person I am growing into.  I am amazed by my own abilities to embrace, nurture and support myself.  Walking away from work yesterday after being awarded three days off to recoup and with both managers approval of who I am, I am again beyond grateful for what the Twelve steps have taught me not only about who I am but how to deal effectively with life on lifes terms.

Work it because your worth it...... has new meaning for me today.  I am worth it..... but working it is fucking hard!    I deserve my three days off.

.......... and now boys and girls I am outta here to get my house cleaned( I would like to see the white of my tub again)...... so I can go love my beautiful little girl and have some fun in the sun!!!

Happy trails my friends!

Applying the Steps in All my affairs

Principals before personalities   

Our common unity comes first person recovery depends on it

 Mountains out of mole hills

These are all the issues I am dealing with as I face life on life's terms in my new Job.

I have missed you guys  tremendously, I must say that first.  Everyday I think of this blog and what I want to write, yet find myself too utterly exhausted at the end of my work day to get my fingers floating across the keyboard.  I would do it early in the morning if I didn't leave so early.  Ten hour days, working my body beyond anything I have ever done before....  I am ass kicked by the end of the day.

I am entirely grateful to my program of twelve steps and traditions.  It is through the learnings and understandings of those concepts that I have been able to move through my new job outside of the fellowship of recovery.  It is these learnings that I can transfer into all of my affairs and become a truly productive member of society....  Although I gots to tell ya, It's not bloody easy.  I feel like this ol' brain is being forced into a new direction and it's rebelling at every turn.

My new job aside from being physically demanding has also put me in a position of power.  Finding balance between staying in my own higher power and letting my ego grab that power has been a bit of a struggle for me.   With anything new there is a certain level of fear involved.  Where there is any fear my ego is hot on the trail.  Instead of suggesting things to my crew I find I am dictating.  Instead of encouraging I am criticising.  These are not my normal traits for dealing with co-workers.  By the end of the week my days were longs and miserable.

Waking up this morning I was in self kicking ass mode, In my head beating the shit out of myself for being such an ego maniac all week. Desperately trying to hand it over to my higher power.  Making mountains out of mole hills.  I sometimes forget the larger picture and get lost in the details.  There are far larger problems in the world right this very moment to help me put my little power struggle into  perspective..... like the day I walked into the rooms of my twelve step fellowship, completely broken from the mass destruction I made of my life.  This is small potatoes compared to that, yet my mind is worked way up about it.

I am reminded of placing the common unity of my Crew over my ego issues.  The success of my entire team will benefit from placing that unity above my own issues of power and control.   I have been dictating the way to do things and what to do and when to do them.   I am no longer attracting my crew to follow my lead I am promoting it.  These are all concepts I was aware of going into this position, yet seem to have lost track of  the past few days.  I have become a dictator not a leader.

H.A.L.T  is another acronym that I was aware would become an issue with starting this job that I lost focus of as well.  I let myself get hungry yesterday and my day went to hell in a pretty little hand basket.  Anger started to rise and I couldn't extinguish it.  I have stopped talking to my higher power and was feeling lonely, without realizing it.... and hot damn I was way beyond tired.   This allowed a co-workers personality to become greater then the principal of working as a team.

Man all these realizations of just how much this program has given me is way beyond my scope of gratitude right now.  Upon the answers flooding my mind this morning after surrendering it, tears have threatened to wash me clean of all the stress I have inflicted upon myself this past week.  I am always amazed at how hard I am on myself, how down right mean I can be in my own head about my own body, mind and emotions.   I should be showing myself the most love, the most kindness and compassion.  It's not egotistical to love one self and to treat oneself with compassion.  I respect others greater then I respect myself... thats just ass backwards.

I have learned a lot this past week and look forward to my day off today.  For the next few weeks I am afraid to say, only one post a week will be what I can afford.  Hopefully things will settle into a routine and my body will begin to adjust and I wont be so wiped at the end of the day.  I do truly enjoy to write and derive great benefit from it.  

Have a great week, Lots of love to you on your journey!!

Everyone Awakens in their Own Time

I find as I awaken it is hard to allow my friends and family their process's to awaken.  I speak a tremendous amount about awakening in this blog, maybe I should define what that means to me.  The twelve steps talks of spiritual awakenings as a result of the steps and the spiritual community speaks of great personal awakenings. 

 What does that mean??  What does that look like??

I would get very frustrated when I would read about this concept way before coming into the program of the 12 step fellowship.  I would read, study and try to practice the guidelines to bring about an awakening.  Program after program, book after book, spiritual teacher after spiritual teacher.  I always seemed to fall short, not quite grasping it and not even really realizing that I wasn't grasping it.   It wasn't until I did awaken a bit that my ignorance subsided and I could see how asleep I had actually been, when in truth I thought I was enlightened.   .... oh boy did I think I was all that and a bag of chips when I had all the knowledge yet no understanding, arrogant Ego.

To me an awakening is  contact with your own personal divine energy.  My first awakening is when I surrendered my dope to a higher power.  I thought I knew what my higher power was then, I thought I already had a relationship with that energy.... in that flood that followed the first surrender I was awakened to the fact that I indeed had not made contact nor did I have any understanding of what my higher power was.  I was living in a land of intellect/feelings but void of heart connection.

As I worked the 12 steps, I would awaken a little bit more each time I moved into a new step.  With each awakening came a closer connection to MY Spirit.  My relationship with my higher self being built and my self love grew.  With that came deeper knowledge of my life and my path.  I felt like I was being downloaded with information that maybe made no sense to me but felt right in the moment so I acted on it. ( Only when in my 'God' spot would I do this.)  As this relationship grew with my higher power I came to the place I am at now.... 

I feel my connection is established and now I am in the true maintenance stage and inner growth stage.  I am tapped in to my higher self at all times and trust that.  Even when I go through things like I recently did with the Jobless mistrust thing, my trust in my higher self grows.  I feel fully taken care of by the divine and no longer fear my future.  I worry like a human being does, but I am not gripped in Fear anymore.  To me that is what awakened means.  To fully live from a place of inner Love, devoid of Fear.

Now moving back into the post.... who recovers and who doesn't..... who awakens and who doesn't? 

 I struggle with this now that my excitement over sharing my awakening with my family and friends is at its all time high.  I can see the potential of the people closest to me that have not woken up yet and I just want to force feed them the truth.  I see people in the midst of recovery getting it and then slipping back again and I want to catch them and just catapult them into bliss.  I so desperately want to help make their journeys easier.  

However the ones that I have the hardest time with, are the people that have all the knowledge, like I did for years, and think they have awakened and truly have not.  It's these people that I worry about hurting other people with their leadership.  Its these people that I struggle to love.

People just embarking on a journey of awakening I can have compassion for.  People that are working it but struggling, I love so much.  People that are spewing knowledge but lack the courage to experience it frustrate me and try my patience.  This is where I must learn tolerance.  This is where I still must grow in the unconditional love department.  I am not there yet.  

You would think my personal experience in this area would help me feel compassion, help me love these people more, because I was there too.  Yet it doesn't.  I know how much pain I caused the people closest to me because of all my knowledge yet wielded from a place of fear was like firing poisonous arrows out of cupids bow.

Working the Steps or studying a book about spiritual awakenings isn't enough.  We must put it into practice and live it in all the areas of our lives.  We must embody the principals and experience the concepts.  Step out of our comfort zones and move into something foreign.  We must move out of fear and into love.  We need to establish true full contact with our higher self, inner self.. Divine light. 

 I think for many of us, we can only get so far then we let fear take over and hold us comfortable.  Its sometimes painful to keep growing in Love, too many people shy away from that and back up and sit where they are comfortable.  For some I guess this is okay and I can accept when people are good with that.  It's the people that keep moving forwards with their minds but not their spirits that frustrate me.  

Learning to let people have their own journeys, whatever that may be is a tough lesson for me.  We all came from the light and we all have great things to do on this planet.  Learning to remember that is the key for me to get to acceptance.  I used to believe there were good people and bad people in this world.  I no longer adhere to that belief.   We are all good, some of us just give in fully to fear and live from that place instead of love.  The best thing I can do is to love that person back to Love and out of fear.  Being angry and judging others brings me to their fear and then we are both fucked.  

So here is to Love, staying in it, living in it, playing in it.... and fully embracing it.  Here is to waking up to our individual truths and having the courage to fully stand in that.

Are You Living YOUR Reality?

I have spent a lot of years playing with the concept of creating our own realities.  Before the book the Secret came into existence my mentor taught me the power behind my thoughts and actions.  During active addiction I knew that I was choosing to numb out instead of deal with  life.

It was too hard, too challenging to do the things I knew needed to be done in my life in order for me to truly be happy.  I couldn't end my 17 year marriage   I had tried for so many years and just could not find the strength to cut the ties that bound me to my ex.  So I stayed and tried to manage my misery in secret.... I found relief in the poison from my youth.  That escalated until I was using hard drugs and my marriage naturally fell apart from that instead of me having to balls up and own it as my inner desire.

My reality then became pretty dismal because of all the guilt I heaped on myself from not manning up to the ending of our marriage   It could have been handled so much more gracefully.  Many people got hurt from my lack of courage and integrity in that situation.   I made a mess of the already messy life I had.

 I was sick and tired of hearing about my responsibility for the reality I created.  I was afraid of my thoughts and forced my own inaction.  I stayed in my misery even outside of the marriage.  Thats when my reality really crashed because I had to face the real truth of the situation.  I was the problem not the marriage.  I was always the problem not the reality out side of me.  The world wasn't shit, I was.

Now that I am working a solid program of recovery and have began to recreate my life.  I am creating the reality I had set out to do prior the end of my marriage.  Before my crash I could envision what kind of reality I wanted.  I started to create that reality but many things had to shift.. including my marriage   Today now that I am free of that Vow,   I am single and blissfully happy.  I am embarking on a career that empowers me and awards me independence.  I am raising my second daughter the way I always wanted to my first one.  Life is good for me today.  I am living the vision I originally had for my life years before the destruction took place.

I don't have any problems with life on life terms, I live with no delusions that life is perfect.  I actually welcome the challenges that come my way, for each one I get through I feel stronger and more capable of mastering this world.  My reality is finally one that brings me full joy.  It took me a very long time to get here though and I am fully aware I have only scaled a few feet of my happiness mountain   I am looking forward to just how great the creation of my reality can and will become with the Divine driving my chariot.

How good can your reality get??

Where do you put your Energy?

How much energy do we put into things, places, people and situations?

   I am becoming acutely aware of how much energy it takes to start a new job.  Especially one that is physically demanding as well as draining to the ol' mind.   Seems fitting that today's reading is about where we put our energy.

In addiction I was all consumed by my drug of the moment.  I could care less about work, family or relationships.  I just wanted to get loaded and that was it.  Looking back now I can see how emotionally exhausting it was to live in obsession to that degree.  How much energy it took for me to maintain that level of unhealthiness.  But it didn't matter to me because thats all I could focus on.  Thats what obsession is... clears all balance out of your life in exchange for that one fix.

I thought that the focus of my obsession was what gave me energy and for me to survive I needed more of it.  Now I can see clearly how wrong that assumption was.  I get my energy from my higher power, from my own inner light, from the source that powers me.  I tap that energy through prayer and meditation.  I recharge when I sit in quiet with myself and listen to my own deep breaths and feel my own heart beat.  I connect with the divine energy of all when I do this practice daily.... some times several times a day.

Starting this new job and integrating back into society has woken me up to a few things about energy.  I am freaking bagged!!  It takes a lot of work to push my physical body to keep up with my daily expectations at work after being out of work for three months and prior to that working a job that afforded me lots of down time.  I have gained thirty pounds in two years from my lack of physical movement but I am certain this job will drop them by the end of the week!!  It feels amazing to be moving my body again and doing the work that I have always done and loved, but I am feeling the pain.  My body is done at the end of my day.

What surprised me however was not the energy it takes to move my body after years of inertia, its the amount of energy it takes to re awaken my brain.   Learning new things, pulling things from my memory long ago buried and needing to be focussed in one avenue for over 8 hours is truly energy sapping.  I forgot how much the brain is a muscle like any other in your body and if it is not worked out regularly it gets slack too.  This job is pulling and pushing the muscle in directions it has not been in years, some information being pulled is over ten years old!!  I love it.  It takes huge energy though and a different type of energy then obsessive focus takes.  I can't really explain the difference for I lack full understanding of it myself.

At one point during the afternoon yesterday my brain actually shut off.  I was just blank, zombified for a good hour.  I couldn't pull any information and was just fried, doing menial tasks till I got back online.  It was crazy.  I overloaded the circuits, had no more energy to run it.  I had to refill.  It was kinda scary for me and reminded me to slow down and pace myself lest I burn out entirely.  Spreading myself too thing is a very real danger.

  No wonder when i was in active addiction I could not focus on anything other then my addiction... it took all my energy.

Finding balance now is the key for me.  I can see how easy it is to fall into the workaholic trap.  I have been coming home every night and taking long luxurious baths and following that up with a girly self care pampering routine.  I am spending time with my daughter cuddling making sure I keep my priority straight where she is concerned.  And now I am getting back to writing here, keeping my recovery alive and well.  I focus on my home group meeting each week and let the others slide.  Energy management.  When my emotions flare like they are today I pull out my step working guide and get writing.  Keeping myself healthy is the key to balance.

I can see how keeping all the plates spinning at once is a learned art and one for which should be taken slowly.  Recovery, Parenting, Work.   That is all I have the energy for this week.  Maybe next week or the week after I can add back in family relationships and my friendships.  That should keep me at full energy for the summer at least.  Life in recovery is the most amazing gift I have ever received   Learning how to live has been the coolest journey I have been on yet.  I will keep on trudging the happy road to my destiny!!

Where do you put your energy?

Letting Go of the Shadow Side of Our Nature

I have become brutally aware of my shortcomings over this past two months.  Having been faced with nothing but time on my hands and interview process's that pick apart my skills and past experiences   What a drama that has created within the confines of my poor little over worked brain.  My Little hamsters are falling off their wheel, dead from exhaustion.

It is only now that I have been offered a job that I can relax and take a good look at the process and lessons to be learned from the entire situation.  Defects of my character emerged the strongest over the past couple of months.  Walking through these personality flaws and accepting the shadowy side of my nature for me is the only way to fully release them to the Divine.  Becoming aware is the first key to the letting go process.

I am not a patient person.  I procrastinate.  I am Lazy.   I still lack faith in my higher powers guidance for my life.  I struggle with trust in the process of life.  I am not reliable because in the past I have quit jobs and school when the going gets tough.  I have very few references because of the bridges I have burned, yet I am a very hard worker.  I burn myself  out quickly from working to hard and not pacing myself.   I am out in good physical shape, I eat poorly and fear not being able to do the jobs I have been applying for.  My experience in my field is limited.  Every interviewer can see each and every mistake I have made in my past and will not hire me.......

These have been my thoughts for the past two months.  They are inaccurate from the, I am not reliable, statement and on.

I notice how the paragraph, as did the process in my mind, began with a couple character defects.  These defects unchecked turned into negative self talk which spun into massive fear that prevented me from moving forward.  How could I sell myself to a potential employer when all I could see was my flaws??  These flaws threatened to consume my entire being.  I see now how we all have flaws, or defects of character.

 I am inpatient.... so what??   Acceptance is the second Key of letting Go.

 Once I became aware of the fact that I am not a real patient person acceptance followed.  To accept the shadow side of our nature is not to squash it and run, it's to embrace it.  How would we even  recognize light if there were no shadows to compare it too?  Patience isn't a bad thing it just is.  Procrastination is a part of my life, rising up and overcoming it is extremely gratifying for me.  Letting myself get lazy has some definite dangers.  Depression always being the final outcome of that.

So where along the line did I lose my ability to pray for these defects to be removed?  I communicate with my higher Power every night, officially, constant throughout the day as well.  How come I never asked her at any point during this two month period to help alleviate the negative side affects of my defects?  How come I allowed them to run rampant through my entire psyche   threatening to destroy my peace and serenity.  Actually they did destroy it.

What was I talking to Her about if not my state of being??

Oh right...... I was begging for a job.

Whining and complaining that I didn't have one yet.  Threatening and bargaining for my security and her service.  I was fighting with The Divine Energy.  I was in Fear.   Deep fear.  It is only when I am in fear that  my defects come front and centre like that.  Dealing with the Fear is what settles the defects.  Dealing with the insecurity of whatever it is my Ego is rising up to take control of and protect me from.  I was too lost in the fear and  lack of trust of my higher powers will for my life.  I was moving into my controlling Ego.

The moment the job was offered to me, my entire being shifted.  The emotions that ran through me didn't really make sense at first.   I felt shame over excitement.  I felt remorse over all the lost time and wasted energy from my lack of faith.  I felt humbled.

I could only surrender in this situation when I felt safe to do so.  Action is the Third Key to Letting Go

 I went into communication with my higher power and apologized for my lack of insight into my own situation.  I acknowledged my Fear of being unable to support my daughter and myself without the help of a man. I pulled out the defects that ran my life throughout the past two months. Impatience  control, distrust, Unfaithful, Laziness.....  I placed those defects lovingly into the Divine Light.  I was rewarded with relief and serenity.

The past few days since being offered the job has brought tremendous awareness to how I work through the shadow side of my nature.  How it keeps me safe when used properly and how it threatens to harm me when I let it take over.  Inpatience forces me to move forward.  Procrastination is a challenge that lifts me up and brings me confidence.  Distrust teaches me how to Trust,  Laziness is a warning of depression lurking around the corner.

Next time the process through these defects will be a quicker one and hopefully I will maximize their benifits in my world  more and get caught up  in the fear less.   The process of Growth is definitely not an easy one, but the rewards are well worth it.

The 11th Step At Work

Topic:  Acting As If

'Fake it until you make it' was a more common term for me before coming in to the Program.  I had been introduced to this way of thought when I began my spiritual practices with The Goddess.  I practised the concept without having really any understanding or proof that it worked.  Even though my practice was insecure and only half hearted, several years later I began to see the proof.  I grew in my spiritual abilities and my life began to change because of it.  Reflecting back today causes my breath to catch over several fake it moments that I now realize were not faking it at all.

When I changed careers in 2007 I found myself in a social circle way out of my comfort zone.  My co-workers,  my clients and my new friends were of a much higher social class than I had ever been privy too.  I loved my job so much that I really began to act as if  I was always one of them.  I felt like a fake in the beginning, it was very hard for me to learn new standards of living.  

I was surprised when I began to learn that all the people that I believed to be of a higher social status then me were all exactly like me.   As I became friends with this supposed higher class, I was confronted with the hard facts that they just managed their finances better then I did, or they managed their social interactions more confidently then I had.  These people were not of a different social class then me they just had different skills in the social arena then I did.  Every one of these new acquaintances started somewhere.... the same place I had spun circles for most of my life.

That fake it till you make it situation showed me that no matter what path your taking in life you don't have all the expertise in the beginning    You must learn.   Pretending that you already know gives you the confidence and passion to take that first step.  Having confidence puts you in a place of being able to ask questions and ask for guidance,  it does for me any ways.  When I feel stupid I just want to cower and hide.  Underneath I felt stupid, but on the outside I was self assured.

Taking this into my life today and back to the original paragraph, I am experiencing an 'act as if' process in my life.    When my previous job ended I spent much time in Prayer.  I know with out a doubt I have good communication with my Higher Power.   During that prayer I felt a deep desire to apply for this specific company within my chosen field of work.  Within days of the job ending I made contact with this employer and set up an interview.  That interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts.  I played a game of chase and tag with the owner of this company for the next two months.

In the meantime I was applying for other jobs and becoming completely discouraged over the lack of productivity that Gods plan was having in my life.  I began doubting my direction.  I lost faith in my Higher Powers ability to take care of me.  Panic and fear started to seed as I began to explore new options.  I lost my confidence to act as if and depression began to threaten to eat me whole.

Finally, Yesterday after a fabulous interview last week I was offered the position God had put in my heart originally.   After I got off the phone with my new employer, I was surprised by how I was feeling.  I lacked excitement.  After all the fear and all the places I applied I finally had a job, yet I could not muster any joy.   

I soon understood, that I always knew I was going to get this job.  The feelings I had were actually feelings of shame for not trusting my higher power to carry my through.  I had just about sabotaged this position.  I had been so frustrated with my lack of understanding that I could not act as if.  I was losing my confidence and my job hunt was suffering because of that. All I could see is all the regrets I had in previous jobs, all my failures and mistakes.  I could only see all the places I had let people down.  By the last day before the job was offered to me, I was completely of the mind set that I was absolutely unhirable.   I lost trust.  I lost faith.

Acting as if has shown me that no matter how large or how small the situation is, by acting like you already own it keeps your mind in a healthy place.  A place of positive dreamscapes and encouraging words.  Losing the As If in our lives takes out the Hope, leaving us with melancholy and despair.

I have hope again today and spent a long time in meditation last night making peace with my higher power.  I feel my spirit coming alive and the nervousness of starting a new job threatening to bring up my yesterdays eats!  Yup Life is Good again!!  Acting as If, back on the agenda as I embark on a new journey and new job!   Fake it till you make it, suckas!

Find the Similarities to Strengthen Unity

The program I am working today involves the 12 steps and the 12 traditions.  I would like to discuss Tradition three today instead of the daily reading that speaks about keep coming back.  I have raved lots over the past few months about how much the fellowship and program has to offer to people wanting to access that.  Last night I read Tradition three and found my mind wanting to play in that park for today.

So thats where I shall play.

Tradition Three states that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop using.  I enjoy working the traditions in my life almost as much as I like working the steps.  I have heard it said several times that the steps keep me from killing myself and the traditions keep me from killing others.  I can see the relevance  clearly.  Looking into each tradition from not only my fellowships stance as well as that of other fellowships as well helps me see a much larger picture. Allowing me to bring it down into a perspective I can fully understand.

The first  time I read this tradition I took the lesson of non judgement out of it.  However now that I am beginning to work it in my life I can see it is much larger then that.   Stating that anyone may attend a meeting if they desire relief from the drug that is altering their minds helps us accept all walks of life into the room.  Thats great, teaches us tolerance and acceptance where in the past we may have lacked these two spiritual principals.

What interests me more is two other avenues this tradition opens up for me.  The first one is the ability to see the common thread in a relationship.  People  in my fellowship all share something in common, we all struggle with mood altering substances.  That is the bond that holds us together, its what strengthens our unity.  This is the principal over the personality.  Learning to take this outside the rooms and apply it in my life is the exciting realization for me.   I am seeing the common thread in all my friendships and relationships inside and outside the fellowship.

Having the ability to see what I share in common with someone has shifted my focus away from what we are separated by.  My friends of many years who are not addicts suffered a lot  over the past few years as I tried to figure out how to be friends with them and with my new addict friends.  My family has suffered the same way.  I alienated all the people in my life that did not share the common bond  of addiction with me.   Now with learning this tradition I can begin to work a process of identifying the common bond  between my 'other' friends and my family.  I can shift the focus to the similarities we do share instead of being focussed on what we don't.

I think that focus of finding the commonality within all the people I meet will create a unity much larger then myself in all my interactions with others.  By making that a focus and strengthening that aspect of the relationship, I will be able to find security and comfort in knowing what part I play in that friendship.  I see now how many of my friends share different aspects of my being.  I am more then an addict or a Landscaper or a daughter or a seeker of spiritual truths.  My friends help me embrace all sides of me.  All of them play a part in nurturing and developing who I am.  Its through each common focus that I can strengthen that.

The second thing that is dawning light on my understanding is the cross addiction thing.  During meetings I have fallen victim to sharing about how horrible all my other addictions are.  When I write here I rant about all my other addictions.  I read about how this blurs the message for the new comer.  They may not be able to relate to your second addiction or the way you act out.  Our primary focus is to carry a message and that's one of drug abuse.  A popping awareness was shot through the core of my being as I realized my mistakes.   Spewing all my other addictions needs to slow down and focus needs to be brought back to the reason why I fell from grace.... A big fat pipe.

I am just embarking on tradition three and I am sure I will find lots more as I process and live the tradition in my life.  This program is a never ending supply of knowledge and understanding.  After two years I am far from bored.... this has got to be some major record for me.  It's why I Keep Coming back.  Ha look at that, I still managed to share on the topic today.  :)

Oh  and I got A job!!

Walking with Your Shadow Self

I am humbled and brought back into my purpose.   Yesterdays post was a rant from my Ego.  After reading through a few daily mediation books I have hidden in my over flowing book shelf's,    I found the same subtle annoyance emerging with each new reading.

Even though the awareness was dawning, acceptance was still trailing far behind.  It wasn't until my home group meeting last night that I heard the reading again. The females passion for the reading began to shine a light on the words that I missed that morning.  When yet another lady even high lighted a line during her sharing my acceptance was blown wide open within my soul.   It took the three times for it to enter my entire being... (I used to read the reading three times,  hmm.... where along the way did I stop?)   Following the natural progression of Awareness, acceptance and action......I am now embarking on action.......

I have been losing a battle with my character defect of depression.  Depression makes me miserable and begins to close my mind.   Three of the topics from the last few days, hence why the eye ball gouging attack in yesterdays post.  I was losing out on a self honesty moment, for which I am taking right now.  I have learned that my higher power gives me several chances to bring things to the light.   When I fall in to a character defect my Ego takes over and I begin to focus on others instead of myself.... that was a clue in the blog readership comment of yesterday 

My character defects are the shadow side of my nature.  I am not of the mind set that we need to be rid of them entirely.  Nor am I of the mind set that these can become positive qualities in our lives.  They are on the shadow side to provide balance and humility in our lives.  When a defect becomes front and centre and it's not acknowledged with humility it becomes an Ego issue and then you are back in your addictive personality all hell will reign if you can't tap your Higher Power of Light.

My defect of depression has a purpose in my life.  I have tried to eradicate it.  I have tried to conquer it, I have even tried to embrace it in Love.  No matter how I approach it, It is a deep unmoving part of my over all make up.  It is a shadowy part of me that serves a very real and very appreciated function in my life.   When I slip into this depressive zone I am being communicated with by my soul that something is amiss in my life.  Something is not right with my thought process.  When this is not addressed the depression continues until I am hopped up on four different types of anti depressants.

Today identifying why the depression lingers in my inner world points to the patience being asked of me over this Job situation.  I have a great prospect on the table, from an interview last Tuesday.  The interview went fantastic and I was  tentatively offered the job.   The owner however wanted to give a fair shot to each of the interview's that followed me, so he agree;d to follow up with me by Monday with his final outcome.   This prolonged waiting has my mind digging in to all the reasons he could find not to hire me.  My negative mind is in over drive.

Nurturing myself and upping the self care routine is what is truly needed here and keeping busy doing things that help me feel productive and worth something is the action that needs to be taken.   Anything that triggers a feeling of inadequacy feeds that depression.... working out feeds it today because I just feel all the extra weight.  Things that work in other reasons depression is brought on, aren't working here.  Finding the equal light objective of the shadow cause is what I realize today is the new path, or new way for me.  My mind is speaking to me about all my past work regrets, I need to counter with action that reinforces my worth and confidence to do a good job.  I am glad I finally figured that out... the day before the last day!!!

Yesterdays post had me running away because I couldn't understand what was going on within me.  I always run when I lack understanding.  For many people they get angry and fight when they are confused or feeling insecure.  I don't I run to safety and find peace and hopefully the answer befalls me then.  Although in the mean time sometimes I run really far away and get lost.   I am a runner not a fighter.  I prefer that defect over the fighting one, I see how many people get hurt in a fight based on fear.  Again balancing the defect and turning it over to your Higher Light Power is the ultimate key to unlocking the door to your full balanced potential.

So with all that said I am not turning this blog into anything other then it was intended to be.  A twelve step recovery blog.  The journey still continues for me, your invited to continue to journey with me and my crazy butterfly mind.

New Directions lead to new Passions

My analytical mind is always in over drive and today is no exception.  As I read the daily meditation for this day I was again greeted with subtle annoyance.  It seems that the authors picked a topic for the week or even month and exhausted every possible avenue of understanding around that concept.  I can respect the reasoning behind this as it helps people truly grasp the meaning by presenting it in different ways.  However I feel like I am writing the same thing over and over again.

Two things I can take from this.  My perception is limited to my own understanding and there for I can only write from that perspective.  A challenge would be to think out side of the box and think of a new way to present the same findings within my life as they have done with presenting the concepts in new ways.  Or I can take that for the entire book there really is only 10 to 12 different teachings presented in a multitude of ways and within 6 months of working with this daily meditation I will be clawing my eye's out of their sockets.

Maybe its time to revisit my plan of sticking with this daily meditation book.  As I grow I am quickly changing into the person I was pre addiction yet feel even better about who I am becoming.   The anonymous program has given me a new life and for that I am entirely grateful for.  I see how many.... many programs I have worked in my past all had that same ability I just wasn't ready for them or they were not suited for me.  Much like the daily meditation, it takes many ways of saying something for a person to grasp the concept.   It took many different programs for me to finally grasp that I was not connected to my higher power and needed to deal with my shit.

I have successfully grasped the program of recovery and maybe now its time for me to begin writing for a larger audience.   The 30 hits I get each day thrills me beyond words, that has hit a plateau however and I am still seeking growth.   Keeping myself moving out of my comfort zone is key to keeping my mind healthy.... as exercise is for the health of the body.   Lately my writings here have left me feeling less then stellar about the content.  I am losing some passion for the topics for which I write.  That is not a good thing.   Maybe it is time to move in to my life passions and let go of my passion for recovery.

I will always attend my home group.  I will keep in contact with my support group everyday.  I will work the steps, traditions and eventually the concepts in my life every day.  I will continue to be available for service to the new comers and carry the message to the addict who still suffers.  Which all of the above stated will keep me clean and on the path to my highest good.  I will stay hooked in to my fellowship.  Community is Key in this new Aquarian age.

Following the path to my highest good is what shall be the focus from now on.  I have witnessed far to many people fall into the life long counselling trap, unable to move away from their painful pasts. Finding safety and comfort within the walls of their trusted counsellor.  Stagnation and depression taking over where excitement and hope once resided.   I was one of them for a very long time.  I have known  many people get so involved in a fellowship only to burn themselves out and lose passion for life, I was almost one of them.  I am learning by watching the people within my fellowship, support group and family on how to find balance between all area's of my life.

So now the hunt begins for a new meditation book to guide these topics and take us both in a new direction!!  How exciting!!  Send your thought vibes my way and over the next few days I will receive and process them!!  I love embarking on new paths on my life's journey.  Always wondering what treasures I will find along the way.

See you tomorrow.... who knows what the topic will be!!  Oh the sheer wildness of it all!!

Process of Coming to Believe

Growth and evolution within our own skin sometimes takes us on journeys we didn't expect.  Being willing to shift and move with the twists and turns presented along our paths is the key to going with the flow of life.

Topic:   Confronting our higher powers.

What does that mean to confront our higher power?  Why would we want to do this?  Isn't that a crazy powerful power, do we really want to piss that off?  I guess the first thing I needed to do was define what that power was before I could answer any of those questions.

Higher power, my inner self, God/dess, Father/mother, Buddha, Jesus, Athena, Ali Bobba... what ever term I choose for that day, its all the same energy for me.  Its a relationship with my greater self.  Greater then MY self.  It is a God energy unique to me, yet connected to all.  Building that relationship, as with all relationships has had its ups and downs, its trials and tribulations.    I have have had to define and redefine that power every step of the way.

When I was a child I thought God didn't love me and had abandoned me.  I felt alone in my life, I was a bad kid that obviously pissed God off at some point.  God defined early on in my life was an energy that did not protect me and therefor was unloving.  I am sure media and my atheist father aided that belief    I had no formal religious upbringing so my beliefs were internal and made up through my own sense of being.  I felt abandoned.

That sense of abandonment was acted out thoroughly through my teen years as I embraced the loving devil as my father, lover and best friend.  I was your dark and brooding teen that had a laser stare that could eat away the goodness of your soul.  I was angry.  When the anger began to simmer, and it did as it's a tough energy to mantian, I learned about purgatory from my Catholic grandmother.

My pursuit of the perfect church for me was a comical one.  The first one told me God wouldn't allow me to drink pop.  What?  Thats stupid.  The second one frowned on my smoking.  The third fourth and fifth thought drinking was a sin.  Every church I went to, found something morally wrong with me.  No where was I good enough to be part of God's posse.  So I dropped all persuits of Godlike happiness and settled for my blissful disconnection.

For many years I resided there in contentedness.  Raising my kids, living my life and playing wife with ignorant bliss of anything greater then myself.  Life was just life.   That is until I met the teacher that brought me to the Goddess.  All power broke loose after that!!

The next seven years was deeply immersed in learning all there was about this female God that had never abandoned me, that had always been there silently making sure I was safe as I grew my strength from my horrific experiences   What a wonderful mother goddess she was.   I tapped my inner power and rose up to the heavens of happiness.   It was a steady climb into the clouds and without humility the fall was not a graceful one.

I hit the ground hard.  I was angry... really angry.  In the pits of addiction I was once again  abandoned.  This time by a God energy I fell in love with.  Who lifted me up, whom I trusted.  And she flicked me off the pedestal like I was lint on her shoulder!!     Coming into recovery I was one hopping mad woman when it came to accepting a higher power in my life.

Steps one, two, three.... relapse.  Steps one, two three..... relapse.   Steps one, two, three......... four...relapse, relapse....five.

I had to make peace with my higher power.  The first time I was unwilling.   The second time I was unwilling.    The third time I was willing but begrudgingly.  I had to make amends to my higher power for getting cocky and letting my ego take over.  I had to forgive my higher power for not protecting me when I needed it.  It took a lot of work for me to get through the resentment and anger I had towards God, in all forms he has taken in my life.  It took a lot of self care in order to get to a place of respect for myself and there for my inner light.

I have journeyed with the Higher power thing my whole life.  It has always been an interest to me and during many periods of my life a deep passion.  I love discussing God with people, I love sharing my concept of a higher power.  I am of the belief that we all have a higher power, whether we choose to acknowledge and work from that place of power is entirely up to us.  I have walked with the light and also danced in the shadows.  I am comfortable in both places today.

I have full trust in my higher power today in a way I never have in the past.   Through confronting my higher Power I have found peace.  Now I understand the larger picture of life and my small but important place within it.  I try to stay humbled but empowered.

You are the Tree of Life!

**Repost**

Living is a cycle. 

 A continuous cycle of learning and growth.  

Branching out into new area's.

In our world where staying the same is highly respected and truly favoured  I am not surprised how hard it is to embark on a journey of changing ones  inner self.  It is the reason why I am so grateful for my crash into the rooms of an anonymous fellowship.  In these rooms its a mentality of change or die.  The rooms create a space outside of the rat race of life where you are safe to build your inner light.

Although.......even with the change the rooms offer I see the same fear of growing as I do outside the rooms.  Keeping our minds open after the initial 'holy shit what did I do to my life' wears off is challenging.   An open mind takes courage, self honesty and the willingness to try things you might fail at.

I love the analogy that we are like tree's.  I use this visualization often in my meditative practices.  Seeing myself as a very large tree that has roots digging deep into the earth grounding me and holding me solid and un-sway-able.   I even feel my roots drinking up the nutrients mother earth has and I feel the love of Gia that takes care of me and gives me a home and food.  This connection is one that I create every morning.  I ground in that connection of Love to fill me up and give me courage to try something new that day to keep that mind wide open.

In the JFT reading today it took my visualization even further and reminded me of the changing seasons and the growing leaves.  As that wondrous tree given life by a power greater then myself, I also have leaves that are ever evolving.  They bud, grow, change colour and fall off.  This is a process the tree faces every single year.  Some years the leaves are more brilliant in colour and quantity and the years of drought they are a bit more spindly.  But they are there none-the less.    

So it is with us and change.  I have found with myself and watched with others as the new begins to fade in our lives so to does our passion and love for living.  When that love for living fades we resort to drama making and bad behaviours.   Manipulation and control begin to come front and centre in new a creative ways to keep that excitement and passion alive for us.  How I recognize this is happening for me, is when I am no longer focused on me and my own growth and I am now focussed  on others and their growth.  

To keep my life full of passion I need to be constantly learning something new and trying new challenges.  I posted about it in the past a few times about trying something new every week.  I can also see now how my higher power takes me through the process of keeping my mind open to new and exciting lessons.

I am now working the traditions like I did the steps and relating those traditions directly to my family life and how to create a solid family unit.  This is teaching me so many new ways of dealing with parenting and how I conduct myself with integrity within my family and friendships.  Of course it also helps with with the meetings I am in service to.   I am also working through the process of applying for new jobs which stretches me past my comfort zone, yet forces my mind to comprehend new data.

The whole concept behind trying new things is to continually keep that mind open.  It takes work to keep it open and it takes courage and vulnerability to step out of that what we know into area's we may be challenged with.  At first its very difficult to pursue something new and foreign but over time the mind gets used to it.  Then the process of finding something new all over again begins.  As does the seasons of the leaves.

It's not enough to come in to the rooms and just get clean if we want to recover.  The continued movement of growth is where the continued awakenings will occur.  Life will hold passion and meaning each and everyday as we continue to hold our minds wide open.

Recovery is not easy.  Living life and growing is not easy.  However after we master a new challenge the strength  courage and gratification we experience is well worth the persistence and discomfort of stretching the mind.

An Addicts Treatment Plan

Longer then one week 

between meetings 

makes one weak.

How quickly do we forget that we have a disease.  Life comes back to us in flying colour.   We get on the magic carpet to our futures clean and serene.  Jobs are fabulous, families are stronger and we learn to have fun..... clean.  Who the hell wants to attend a  meeting where we are reminded of the shit our lives used to be?  Who wants to bring down our clean high with the drudgery of the users?  

We have a disease.   Thats what reminds us of where we came from. A condition of the mind and allergy that will never go away. Does a diabetic miraculously get better just because of a new job?   Does a cancer patient suddenly cure herself because she made amends with her mother?  Does a teenager grow a frontal lobe now that she is in a romantic relationship?   All to quickly us addicts tend to forget that underneath all this new found health that our disease is still there..... in remission.

When we are not paying attention our addict is at the gym doing push ups.  Awaiting the perfect moment to kick the shit out of us.   The more we forget this the harder the whooping is going to be for us.  Be humbled or get humiliated.    It seems like a bit of common sense to me, stop treatment and get sick.  Meetings are treatment, steps and fellowship are treatment.  Stop treatment and.... get sick.

Now with that being stated let me flip the coin and work towards the reason why we should stay in the rooms, other then the above mentioned.  Let us also touch on finding balance and not having to be in the rooms every night.  Our life does not need to become completely fellowship stuff in order to stay connected.  To be honest my personal opinion on that one is....... by making the fellowship our whole life we have just transferred our addiction and have not essentially learned  how to live yet.  Living as a productive member of society is our aim.  When we come in to the rooms we do ninety meetings in ninety days because we need to build the connection.  Its the bridge for us.  Then we begin to step our toes back into life.  Re integrating back into society.   Keeping a tethered line to the fellowship is what is at question here.

Going back to the header line.... Being out of the rooms longer then a  week makes one weak.   This of course has to do with the disease aspect of our addiction, but what about the newcomer in the room?

  What about the newcomer that has resonated with you and looks forward to hearing you speak each week.  Your the only one that seems to make any sense to this person and it's your words of wisdom that keep them coming back.  Every week they know they can find you at Tuesday nights meeting and they hold on with white  knuckles for that next meeting.  If they can just make it to that meeting they will be okay. Hearing you speak will ease their tension.   ..... Then your not there.  Nor at any meetings that week or for the next month.  They don't remember hearing you share about going out of town.  WTF?  Did she relapse?  After all these years she relapsed?   Then the newcomer during the next week slips out of her white knuckle embrace and falls back into addiction.  Thinking that if you can't stay clean then there is no hope for her.

I think we tend to forget just how important we are to the newcomer.  I know for me when I came into the room I was not looking at the people that were there everyday and made their life the fellowship.  I was looking for the people that had the life I wanted... jobs, families and commitments outside of the fellowship.  I hated that I was an addict and did not want my life to be tied to that forever. (don't misunderstand that sentence though, I loved identifying with an addict because now I felt like I belonged somewhere, but i didn't want the world to know i had an incurable disease).

  Getting romantically involved with an addict was horrible for me because it tied me even tighter to the rooms. I didnt want my daily life to be all fellowship, meetings and Anonymous stuff.   I wanted the life of the woman that showed up every Friday night and talked about staying clean during a marital fight.  The same lady that talked about working long hours and staying clean.  And again the same beautiful blonde lady that spoke of raising her children amongst all of this as well.   She is the one I kept coming back to see, then she stopped coming.  So did the next five ladies I tried to follow.   It was frustrating for me.  

Today I am always mindful of that and even though I still need a couple meetings a week to keep my balance I am moving into landing a great job which will be many hours.  I have a beautiful daughter that I want to spend every waking moment with and I am rebuilding my relationships out side of the fellowship.  All these things are wonderful.  They all take energy however.  Energy I get from my recovery.  Energy I derive from the excitement and gratitude I feel when I get to share with a newcomer.    Meetings refill my recovery tank so that I can transfer that energy back out into all the things I got going on in my week.  Without  a full tank I cannot do all these things to the fullest of my light.  Writing this blog helps me fill my tank, but even this does not replace my Saturday night meeting.

I have seen so many people move away from the meetings and not so much go back to using dope, but begin to live half lives.  Miserable again within themselves.  Why is that?  Oh right.... let me remind us all once again.......because we have a bloody disease!!  This disease does not go away because we wish it away.  It is a proven fact we are not like other people, we did not choose to be addicts.  It is in our DNA.  Cancer patients did not choose to have cancer, why do we still think ourselves different?  We are not responsible for our disease.... but we are responsible for our recovery.  Our recovery is completely inclusive of the newcomers recovery.  To walk away from that is to indulge the selfish nature of your disease.... she's doing pushups and your eating popcorn at the movies. 

Missing your home group meeting this week will begin to make you weak.