Who Am I, Without You?

Dependence or Inter-dependence.  Attachments or Freedom.

I used to think I had a good understanding of those two concepts.  I think I was wrong.

Man, It has been a long month since I was last here writing.  Work and my psychiatrist have been running these personality tests on me lately.  The doctor for medical mental reasons.... which it turns out I am not crazy after all.  Work because we have a new HR manager who is wildly into matching team members up with their best suited position and colleagues.

I think my HR manager is brilliant.  I have learned that writing is one of my main sources of creative outlet.  The way I think about the world is apparently rare, making up only one percent of the population.  I share the same personality as Mother Thersa, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King. And I took the test three times, twice out of the three were this personality.   I think that's cool.

So now with that knowledge, of writing being such a force of healing for me I know why I always sit here aghast when I write for the first time in weeks, even months.

 Its been a tough month.... a real tough month.  The fourth month of my sobriety and the last month off before going back to work after again four months off and Christmas in the month.  Yes a super tough month it was.  And yet instead of coming here to write out my trials,   I go into hiding until I have tribulations to note instead.  Again another personality trait I discovered from a few different personality tests as of late, I withdraw when I am overwhelmed.

Isolation or healthy withdrawal.  Maybe that should be a secondary topic.  In recovery they warn deeply against isolation.  I get that.  When I spend to much time alone I get really down on myself and end up relapsing because today I am still my own worst enemy.  Yet healthy withdrawal as an introvert is definitely needed to recharge my batteries.  I run away from recovery when I spend too much time in the rooms with highly chaotic people, as we all are if we have landed our asses in narcotics anonymous.  But too much chaos sends me over the deep end and the main reason I use...to bring myself back into balance.  Which of course never works.

(Ugh my key board just revolted. Creating e's instead of question marks and then my shift button stuck on.     Probably because of  the lack of use in the past month.  I have just spent ten minutes trying to fix it and now have lost my mojo groove....  So apologies if this is now broken and disjointed.  where was I?)

Oh ya, tough month.

After three months of being off work I was ready to go back.  I think three months was the magical number my mind allowed me to be unattached from my addiction of working.  I really began to back slide in this fourth month where my self worth was concerned.  I began questioning who I was without work.  I found myself trying out other hats coming to understand just how much of a workaholic I had become in my first full year of sobriety.  If maybe I caught that at the beginning of my relapse last January I would have saved myself some much heart ache and a drained bank account....

Hindsight is twenty twenty and the part of life that I truly do love, trial and error. Experience.

But let me not digress.  Knowing I was slipping into the dark again without drugs and now work to fill that void within me, I jumped into cooking and caring for my two daughters still living with me.  I was baking every day(from a box, but don't judge that still huge for this TV dinner kinda girl).  I was making my girls lunches, a first in pretty much their whole lives.  I was doing their laundry, keeping the house clean and listening to their life issues and providing guidance.  That last part I loved.  Actually all of it I enjoyed doing, just my waist line was the one with the problem, too much taste testing.


So half of the month was inspiring.  I was trying new things and placing my focus where it mattered.  It felt good.  But then the girls went to their fathers for Christmas and I was left alone for a week.

I never knew just how long a week could feel.  Like an entire life time rolled into those seven days.

I was a mess.  Truly.  I felt like one of those old kid toy tops flicked out of its spin. This poor weeble wanted to fall down.   I was launched deep into a pit of,  who the fuck am I..... and ....the only answer i could come up with was, No One.

So Sad.

Dependence.  Take away the dependence on substances to get you through and then what?  Work became my substance to keep me afloat.  Take away work and then what?  My daughters became and truly always have been what kept me afloat, but take them away and then what?  My friends became my floating devices, but it was Christmas and they had things to do to.

When I was alone with just me.... omg.  I was a nightmare.

I am on Step Two.   Which is... We came to believe in a power greater then ourselves to restore us to sanity.

Not once did I reach out to my higher power in this time.  I am still mad at her for letting me fall into relapse this past time.  I am still pissed off at her for not giving me what I believe I had worked so hard for and deserved.  I am having a hard time coming to believe.  Because I am having a hard time letting go of my attachments.

What I learned most about myself in this past month is that as long as I am filling the void with outer things like drugs, work, parenting I can not fully receive my true self.   Which comes through as my higher power.   But, and this is a big but.... I also know that sitting in a dark room removed from these things(well okay not the drugs they are just wrong no matter how you cut it) is not beneficial either.

I guess then what it comes down to is balance??

 I hate that word, its like perfection. Its Illusive.  I need people to live a thriving life but how do I become inter-dependent and not dependent.  I need work, I love work.  I have worked the past two days and feel so amazing I cant even describe it, but how do I not let myself become a workaholic again?  My girls are back and even my son was here this past week and I loved being mommy again, but how do I do that from a loving detached place?

Having my eyes opened wide to the fact I am so attached to certain things in my life was terribly scary.  Truly I was a mess this month.  I go into hiding when I become a mess like that.

 I did better then before though as my close supports knew what was going on.  I even cried in front of other people.... alot.  Which was weird, not a norm for me I can tell you that.  I am definitely letting more people in during my rough moods as well as my good moods  which is new for me.

Life is growth, learning hard truths about ones self is part of that growth.  I think its part of breaking the seed shell or pushing through the earth.   This past month was a definite breaking the shell kinda months.  Learning that I like to leech unto the things that will give me balance instead of seeking that balance in my own right was huge.  Gross and nasty, uncomfortable and heartbreaking but needed in order to continue to grow and move forward.

Learning who I am without those attachments is now the journey I will embark on.   Kinda scary, kinda exciting.  I am always on about how great experience is, I always tend to forget the tough stuff one needs to process through before the lesson is learned.  I hated this lesson.  I am eager to move on.

Question.

If you removed yourself from all your labels and took off all the hats you wear, would you be able to answer,  Who am I?

Not that I wanna send you on a painful journey of self discovery, but knowing one is not alone is huge in moving through healing with a little bit more grace.  Together we can do what we could not do alone.......

Clear Space for Something New!!

It's amazing to me how fast life can change when you take the bold step into the unknown.

The day after I closed the door on a frequency no longer resonating with me, I received closure not only in that area, but another one nagging me for a very long time.  Deciding to leave NA somehow brought a silence to the demons in my head constantly reminding me of my failure in the weight loss industry.

How?  Scratching my head I wondered...  I am surprised I am not bald with all the head scratching I do....or have a dented scalp with the banging that frequently happens too.  lol

It was the day after I made it official in my mind, by writing it out here, to move away from my twelve step fellowship.  That a coworker from the weight loss industry tagged me in a status connecting me with everyone involved in that time of my life.  Connection and Communication silenced the demons by powering up the light.  My negative beliefs around the events leading to my fall from grace vanished one by one instantly with each person I talked to.

I was amazed.

I am still unsure how everything is connected.  What seemed like a completely separate issue plaguing me was vaporized within 24 hours of making a decision in what seemed like a totally different area of my life.

Energy and focus is what comes out of my head scratching on this one.  I seem to have this limited amount of energy.  Which this thought goes against my past beliefs that energy is infinite.  Maybe it's just focus then.  Maybe I can only have focus in one area at a time.

With having a year clean and no longer needing that focus to stay clean my path was cleared to focus on something new.  This is where I question the validity of relapse in the second year as a popular notion within the rooms.  Maybe relapse comes from the person not moving forward, thus moving backwards.  I personally do not believe any part of life needs to be hard work.

 If you have to bust your balls at it, your on the wrong path.

Of course this is my point of view.  We all create our own realities and live from our own frequencies.  I am not advocating everyone slam the doors to areas of their lives that they are not happy with right now.  Life is not always a bowl of roses.  I can recognize when it's time for me to move on, from experience and connection to my higher power.  I am learning to stand in my truth which is not easy, but not a ball buster either.

Going against popular belief is not an enjoyable experience.  The rewards however are well worth the sacrifice.

.....and let me tell you about more sacrifice and rewards that are shaping up in my life right now.  I have taken a crazy bold step into my future and it's scaring the poop out of me!!  This is what I call the work in my life now...taking that first step.  Drunvelo Melchizedek says the first step is about three feet high and then all the rest are easy.  I couldn't agree more.  I just took a giant leap of faith and am mildly vomiting in my mouth now.

I enrolled into an 8 month intensive course on HypnoTherapy.

ooohhhhh...... ahhhh.....  Gasps abound.  Shock reverberates through the readers...

Okay fine!   Maybe that's an exaggeration.  But, boy oh boy, does it ever feel like that in my little world.  Why does it feel so scary to me you ask?  I know your longing to have that answer.... lol  Well let me share that with you then.

I have wanted to take this course for years now.  I have researched it and researched it again.  Many times I have almost signed up.  There was always something stopping me though.    It was too expensive.  I didn't have the time.  I couldn't get to the City hosting it.  I was too sick/tired/high.  Always something seemed to block me.  I see now I just wasn't ready yet.  I was to afraid to climb that first three foot step.

At the beginning of this past week as the Moon sat contently in her Newness I found myself thinking about what I wanted to create now.  With the energy of the planet I too was ready to embark upon another journey across the sky.  But what?

I was clearing my clients driveways of snow at five am in the utter peacefulness of the land.  When the thought of hypnosis kept nagging me.  Interrupting my peace.  This is how I receive my guidance.  In meditation those thoughts that repeat and wont go away are my higher voice.  I can hear this voice only after much daily practice of quieting the monkey mind.  Well worth the 'work'.

So heeding the voice I researched courses, once again.  Like for the hundredth time in my life.  It was the second course I found online that had this crazy resonance with me.  My spidey senses where on overdrive as I read page after page of knowledge that I already had understandings too.  I watched youtube video after video to get a feel of the teacher and instantly like the frequency he was on.  There was absolutely no hesitation to contact him.

His response was simultaneous.   Like he was just sitting there waiting for Me specifically to contact him.  With 24 hours I was on the phone with him.  The talk was animated.  I felt like I was connecting with someone from home.  The general feel of the call was.... finally she is ready!  I really did feel like he had been waiting for me forever.        .......My point of view... whatevs, I like it.

Within an hour of speaking with the developer of the course I was signed up and had my first module.  The speed of light!!

It was then that I found the realization of the magnitude of what I just took on, to sink in.  I was really doing it.  I was really embarking on a path I have been skirting for way too many years to count.  I was going to take my love for meditation to a whole new level.  I was taking the first step of my dream to get on a stage to motivate the masses into a better life!  I was really doing it.  Creating the future I have always seen myself in.

I had to call a friend.  I had to lower my cresting wave of energy before it set into panic and I sabotaged the entire project.  Laughing a lot my two beloved mentors on the other end of the phone verified my 'finally she's getting it' energy.  What they have known for years was finally just starting to dawn in me.  I love those supports in your life that hold a vibration for you until your ready to step into it.  These women have been holding it for over ten years now.... and they never gave up on me and my butterfly ways.

I am truly ready to step into my future.  As I write that I can feel my belly get hot.  My cauldron center boils, I am pregnant with a new adventure!  Tears spring to my eye's with the connection to my soul.  I AM finally becoming.... ME.

10 Steps to Lighting Your Sacred Flame

**Re-post**


I have been playing around on the jungle gym of my mind this past week.  Tossing the ball around power, personal power.    Its always been a fascinating subject for me, energy.

I was laying in bed this morning debating whether to get up and start writing or just lay back for a few more minutes and enjoy the day off, when the power went out.  ........Giggling to myself I thanked the Goddess for the power outage on my block and continued to enjoy the warm comforts of my big bed.  Playing even more enjoyably in my minds playground over the significance of the power outage at the exact time I was formulating a blog post around power.  This is what they call synchronicity.

I have started a new Magical Program by Silver Ravenwolf.  Having completed the twelve step program in it's entirety, I have new found confidence that programs I had once started in the past but failed to complete are now an option for me to try again.  When I first embarked on the Magical path Twelve years ago it was Silvers book 'How to Ride a Broomstick' that initiated me.  Now I have moved more to the inner realms of my spirituality with her book 'To light a Sacred Flame'.

The thing I think I missed entirely in my learning's the first go round with my chosen path was the inner part of the workings.  I never spent any time or effort working on me.  I was too focused on getting what I wanted in life.   I lost sight of the foundation for which to build my wants and desires on.

As within, So without.

I never understood that metaphor fully until now.  When my inner world is messy, hurting and chaotic, that reflects in my outer world.  There is absolutely no hiding from that.  No amount of food, drugs or TV can mask what is brewing underneath your surface no matter how hard you try to ignore it.  Actually in my experience the harder you try, the deeper into the pits of the underworld you go.  As my bestie always says..... deal with your shit.  I can now add to that..... before your shit deals with you.

So ....powering up.

Silvers focus in her book right off the top is about the ten ways in which we tap into our personal powers through magic.  These ways is what I want to share with you here.  Some of these ways are definitely for the little kitchen witch that could, however most can apply to anyone wishing to get to know themselves better.  Tapping your higher power, or your higher self is a must I believe for everyone on this planet... it would be a much happier place if we all lived from our sacred flames 24/7.

Self individuation is her first way to personal power.  In my life I see this as getting true to who you are.

Know Thine Self.

It has been a terribly uncomfortable and exciting process of getting to know myself over the past few years.  This is the category of self care for me.  Speaking up and setting boundaries when I need to.  Taking care of my personal needs like housing, health and happiness.  Honoring my feelings and taming my thoughts.  After the self care is in place then it seems the doors burst open to my passions.   The things that I like to do and be become known to me.  This is where the power pulsates for me  With each new thing I learn about myself I fall more in love with my higher being within.  This is where confidence grows and my foundation is created so that I may stand for something, lest I fall for anything.

I have worked hard through the twelve step program to get a deeper understanding of my own sense of self.  I can see now that no matter what path you take once you make that first step you will walk the entire journey in your own time..... even if it takes a lifetime.  But I am about to digress and this is a big post so I should get back to it.

In perfect Love and Perfect Trust reach out to the God/dess of your understanding.   I find this is the concept I am most driving home to my daughter as I teach her the ways of the craft.  Every path is dark without the light of a universal energy guiding your way.  Every religion has a Deity, there must be something in that belief.  I used to question the Goddess's plan for my life, I used to defy that plan.  I am 39 years old, I am too tired to rebel anymore, going with the flow is just easier....  And now I am understanding way way more fulfilling as well.  I cannot explain why having a belief in something works the way it does.  I cannot explain the power that comes from fully trusting in that universal power.  I can share with you that when you finally do let it in and begin to consciously work with it, your life becomes a string of good things.  That's really all I have to say about that.

I have been thinking deeper on this third way of drawing in power that will benefit all people not just my ritual creating sisters.

Call upon your ancestors.

In magic we often call upon the ancestors to aid us in our energy work.  In everyday life I call on my passed on Grandma for guidance.  Advice for my life patterns that I am now aware have been cycling my family for more generations then I can count.  I think looking into our history and understanding where we have come from helps us tremendously understand who and why we are the way we are today.  The power comes in being able to breaks those cycles of defeat and draw on the positive traits of our ancestors.  I struggle with the family concept in this lifetime and feel I derive much more positive power from my friends then my bloodline.  Yet when I look further back then just the physical line of today I can see that my great great great grandparents where something wonderful and along the way that wonder has been lost.... I can tap that and pull that back through learning my genealogy.    A new passion is building now... hmmm, food for thought?

I am going to combine the next two into one paragraph because they are pretty self explanatory.  Animal totems and past lives.  

Knowing what animal energy walks with you is a great way to draw on its lending energy in times of need.  To find your animals there are many ways online that can teach you methods to tap into that guidance.  Past life regressions can give you immediate answers to why things are playing out in your life today.

I had a spontaneous dream regression recently that shed some much needed light on a situation that I was really struggling to understand.  Through this regression I was able to see that it wasn't in this life that the problem occurred.   I was just dealing with some residual stuff.  Knowing that helped me let go and move on.  These are personal beliefs that draw power for me.  Finding positive personal beliefs that you can draw power off of is the concept behind these two ways.

Power of Manifestation is the Sixth way to gain personal power.

This my friends is the one I jumped to right off the bat when I began this path and let me tell you..... not advisable.  It is this power technique that give witches a bad name and the 'Secret' it's fluff.   We all manifest everyday in every way.  Our thoughts become our actions and our actions create our reality.  It is the simplest truth of our world today.

The power comes from taming your thoughts and focusing your actions into an intent that will not only benefit you but those around you.  This is why there are five personal powers before this one.  When one has divine guidance and is also in a place of Love then one will manifest wonderful positive things.  I have been on the other end.  An angry hurt witch is a woman to be feared indeed.  In my blinded rage of what I perceived as a universal injustice I sent shocking vibrations of destruction to everyone within my energy range.  I buried my children, family and friends under the rubble of my anger.

Our lives are a direct result of our own inner worlds, deal with your shit before your shit deals with you.  Manifestation is focused intent on creating an outcome that suits you.  It does not distinguish between an ill intent or a positive one.  It is this realization that kept me locked in a drug induced stupor for a few years.

This seventh form of drawing personal positive power to your life is the one I am currently working on now.

  Banish all negative energy from your world. 

 Negative influences can come in the form of things you ingest into your body... for me it's coffee and sugar.  It can be in the form of what you read and watch, violence begets violence.  It can come in actions that suck your energy out, sleeping all day does that for me.  It also comes in the form of people.  Being an Empath I cannot and mean truly cannot be around people of a different vibration than me.  It messes me up and I have yet to learn how to stay stable in my own energetic vibration.

Several years ago I had two best friends that when we were together we would sit around for hours drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and complain about the skinny bitches of the world.  In a rapid turn of events I lost all my weight and so too these friends.  I was hurt and couldn't not understand why they were saying I had turned my back on them, to me I felt like the same person.  I realize now though that I wasn't the same person.  I no longer smoked or drank coffee, I couldn't just sit around and I was now that skinny bitch we gossiped about.  In my positive creation of my life the negative was removed.  Not so much an easy thing but a necessary one.  I am there again as I move on with my life.  Not easy.

My favorite by far is this one... Go with the seasonal flow of energy.

I remember complaining to my mentor years ago that living in the North messes with people seasonal flows.  You would think because we are known for our harsh winters that it would force us to slow down.  Nope not in oil country when our men go away for the entire season and the wifes are left on there own with there five kids.  We get busier in the winter.

Although we are slowed down somewhat and if you know how to set boundaries you can indeed continue to go with the flow of the season.  I love that I am a landscaper because I personally experience the season for 8-10 hours each and every day.  I loved the busyness of the summer but detested the transition of the fall.  Which fall being my favorite season was double trying to me.  I am happy to be in the peacefulness of the winter now and am kinda already dreading the rush of the spring.   Being connected to the moon and the sun are very real, very powerful ways to draw down energy.... it is because of these ways that I choose the witches path.

As with most programs I have learned from, giving back is always one of the last ways to draw power into your reality.  Being of service to others is why we live in communities.  Being connected to each other is why we have an existence on earth.  Learning how to function in society and giving away our gifts of self is what draws the deepest happiness into our beings.  However we can only truly do this when we have mastered all the other ways of drawing down power.  We can only give what we have to give.  To jump to this before working on yourself will create an energy vampire out of you and trust me, nobody likes an energy Vampire.

The last,         Finally.... fuck, I never thought she would stop talking!     .........but the most powerful way to draw energy is through Meditation.  Learn self hypnosis  To be able to be calm in the face of adversity is what truly ascended people have mastered.  Inner peace.  Serenity.  All chaos ceases to exist in your reality.

That my friends is how I am learning to draw down my power because I gotta tell ya, I have been struggling lately with my inner light bulb.  The summer kicked my ass and I am sure feeling it now.  I find I am having to limit the ways in which I expend my energy.  My job needs to come first as this leads my self care regime.  My self care is right alongside that followed very closely by my daughters.  After those three things, I find I am really limited in what I can do.  I am powering up through these techniques as well as reaching out to my support group.  Knowing what I can afford energetically has been a very tough lesson for me as it leads me back to relapse and the world of darkness where my rage lead me already once.  I have no desire to return to that place so this lesson is one that I will get this time around.

This is my giving back.  I hope that it helps you in some way.  I send love through these words and if your open to receive them then let them fill you full for this day.  Happy trails my friend.

Spiritual Laws to Guide Actions

I am  Pagan.

Hello my name is..... and I am grateful recovering Pagan.

That has more of a positive ring for me today.  I don't forget the other ways I have identified myself in the distant past, but today I am on a new path.  I would have identified myself as a Witch or a practicing Wiccan if those two words didn't still elicit some form of controversy from the majority of people.

Pagan is comfortable for me though because it has allowed me to branch out and explore different religions and spiritual paths.  I have great respect for the popular religion of our current time. Jesus has brought some deep truths to the light and has been the most powerful Spiritual leader of all time.  I don't choose to walk that path however because it doesn't resonate with me.  I have tried several times.

I have researched and worked with many paths and each one falls short of the electrical magnetic charge that practicing Wicca gives me.  I have shied away from the path many times for different reasons.  One reason is the faddiness of it, I dislike feeling like I am doing something because everyone else is.  I always like to go against the grain.  The second reason is the sheer power I have experienced through invoking the Goddess's and working spells.  It's funny because I am always seeking my inner power but when I tap it, I run to the corner cowering like a cat who has been frightened by her own shadow.

My current program of magical study has asked me to review the spiritual laws that I live by or strive to live by.  That is what I want to share here.  If you want to learn more about Wicca you may want to look that up on your own or I guess stay tuned to this blog.  I am out of the broom closet now, I am sure I will write more on the topic.

Crow, the Shaman says, means Law.  Crow surrounds me today as I work through my own self laws of daily governing.  The reading of the card speaks of shape shifting and I am reminded of the lesson I am on today about moving from one program to another, shifting from the face of an active addict back to my roots of a Pagan.  Ever being mindful of the slippery slope back to the past.  Moving forward my spiritual laws will keep me tethered to the light.   Where recently nursing the rooms of NA was my connection to the divine.  I am coming to understand we may walk different paths even within the same life.

Through the study of my many spiritual paths I have taken something powerful from each of them.  A friend along my journey had the opinion that taking a bit from here and there was not a full spiritual experience and to be avoided.  I disagree with her.  I think spirituality is very personal and the basic laws apply to everyone regardless if your ready to walk in them or not.  If one were to choose laws that only focus on the light and selfish indulgences, there will be a balance along the way somewhere.  For me it was my dip into drug addiction, where I walked into the Underworld with Inanna.

My Spiritual Laws....

1. 'Bide within the Law you must in perfect Love and perfect Trust'.  Deepak has this as his first 'Law of Pure Potentiality' in his seven laws to success.  This law means tap into you own inner light and realize you are never separated from the source.  Christians believe taking Jesus into their hearts is that pure Love and Trust.  Find your inner light and work daily to keep that relationship healthy.  When you are living from this place of Love on  regular basis all other laws are easy to work.   Live from you Higher Power.

2. Live you must and let Live.  We all have challenges and issues to work through.  Hiding from them is not the Wiccans way.  Face your shadows, the situations that are hard in life.  Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself and others that need your help.  The second part speaks volumes about holding your tongue and reserving your judgments of others.  Lest other people opinions become your business.

3. The Three fold Law of the Wiccan Rede says;   what you put out, comes back to you.  'The Secret' made this world recognized as the Law of Attraction.  Your moods and your thoughts dictate your actions.  Those actions directly effect your reality.  You manifest your reality.  If your sending out shit, that's whats coming back to you.  If you don't like your life right now.... look to the mirror for the reason.  If you love your life right now... Yay, your doing something that works for you, keep doing it.

4.  Self Honesty.  Lying to yourself is knocking your higher power out of your inner world.  Deceiving yourself cuts your connection temporally to the divine.  Being honest about how I feel is my constant struggle. The second law comes into play when I don't face my own inner truths.  I learn the hard way then and well thats never ever pretty.

5.  Anonymity.  This is a Law I have pulled from my twelve step learning's as the last one blends into that as well.  Witches and Addicts alike don't always want others to know about their chosen path.  These paths, as well as many others, are deeply personal and it's rude to call one out on their beliefs in front of people that may direct negative energy at them.  In the days of old, witches were hung for their beliefs.  It's serious stuff still today so be mindful of how you interact, in person and online with others.  In my excitement I still fall prey to this Law as a few others I am still working at.

6.  The Law of giving and receiving.  This is the Law I am most passionate about.  The 7th of the twelve traditions of NA speak of being fully self supporting and each meeting a basket is passed for people to put money in to keep the meetings alive.  My meeting barely survives.  An ancient spiritual rule was to donate 10% of your income to a spiritual cause as this kept the energy of money in constant motion and no one was poor because of it.  I put out as much as I can which is sometimes more then that percentage because I have seen how this comes back to me threefold.  I am fully self supporting today.  Taking this further also means energy and Love.  I still struggle with receiving energy and Love from those around me... working through it.

7.  The Power of Acceptance is a Spiritual Law I found online during my research that I loved and realize that I have been living recently.  If you have to fight for something, manipulate energy or overcome one too many obstacles to get to a goal.... it is not meant at this time for you.  It is not 'the work' we are talking about to achieve success.  The work is always internal work and then with that work comes the rewards in the external world.  You never have to force something that is meant for you.   .... This is a reminder for me in romantic relationships.

8. Seek your Life's Purposes.  Know your talents and share them.  Embrace your passions and seek an outlet for them.  Constantly keep learning and growing and relearn your new missions as you complete the old ones.  Life is a game.... enjoy it.

9.  The Law of Jesus says to be mindful of your earthly indulgences.  Overdoing anything fills that place of love with toxins and disconnects you from your source and your higher power.  We are meant to enjoy all the sensual pleasures of the earth... in moderation.  Anything above that moderation becomes a problem and addictions are seen as sinful and sin is an action of your lower self and not that of the light and higher self.

10.  The Last line of the Wiccan Rede states:  An ye harm none, do as ye will.

Those are my spiritual Laws that I try to live by.  They are not in any particular order.  They are not more important then the one after them.  They just are.  I am sure there are more I can add to the list but for now those are the one's that I am practicing now.  They all cover my morals and my integrity.  If I break one of these laws, spirit is very and I mean very quick to show me.  The counter balance to my action is felt almost instantly.  I am grateful for that, I prefer to face the consequences within the moment then to have to be a long term house guest of Hades again.

What are your Spiritual Laws?  What do you use to keep your actions in check?  What spiritual paths resonate with you?  What truths have you learned along the way?  This is by far my most favorite subject of all time... spirituality.  Such a mystical topic with absolutely no right or wrong answers.... just perspective.  A deeply controversial topic open for much debate.  I remember I used to love debating.  Hmmm.....something else I have recovered.

Happy trails my friends I hope your days have been interesting and filled with wondrous new learning's!

Odd Feelings, Moon's Blooming, First Steps :)

Such an odd feeling but its like my heart is opening like a moon flower.  Blooming only once a year in the dark of the night.  Yet it goes even deeper then that, for me the first time in my life and out of the darkness it blooms into the light.

Such an odd feeling to have so many tears watering my heart flower, shedding tears..... letting go tears.

The process of letting go is what I want to focus on today and for the last time... hopefully. I feel like it is a topic I  have been beating a dead horse with.  I am always trying to let go of something.  Dope.  Food.  The sexy bad boy that chews at my heart.  Always struggling with giving up something that used to make me happy, yet quickly back spins and turn toxic.  That has been the story of my entire adult years, I am so tired of that story.

When the pain of remaining the same becomes greater then the pain of change.... the seed will break out of its shell and shoot through the soil into the light.  I am ready to shoot.

When I was at Aventa, A woman's treatment center, we were  asked to write a letter to our addicts.  I love to write and welcomed the assignment.  I wrote with vigor to my beloved Lady Vixen.  I let the images of her flow to my mind and I let my higher self speak to her directly.  I wrote about her beginnings, her journey and her ending. I could see the process so clearly nestled safely in an all women's facility for six weeks.  The work to walk the process began when I left that safe haven.

That process is finally coming to a close now, two years later.  Time, Time, Time.  Patience is not for the weak of heart because everything happens in its own time not ours.  Walking through is the only thing we have control over.  I lost control of that several times over the past couple of years. Each  time I gave in to my addict I held on.

I held on with each drug relapse.  I held on with each food binge.  I held on with each new bad boy conquest.   My arms are sore from holding on so damn tight.   I can't hold on anymore.  I am too tired. I have no more strength.  Such an odd concept to say it takes strength to let go, yet I am to tired to do anything but let go. One of those paradox's.

What I have recently begun to fully understand is that to let go is not to let go of just the focus of my addicts attention, but to release the addict herself.  I have been so busy working like a bee on the minor details of drugs, food and boys that I always over look the mane problem.  A case of spending my energy on the symptoms and not the cause.  Which coming from a person who teaches others to look beyond the illness to the emotional cause, is odd. don't you think?

The problem is not the drug, the food or the boy.  The problem is my addict, it's Lady Vixen. When I was in treatment I wrote so passionately about my gratitude towards Vixen for keeping me safe during my childhood.  IT was my emerging addict that kept the feelings off fear, betrayal, hurt and anger from consuming me when I was that lost little girl.  It was Lady vixen who taught me how to respond emotionally to my situations that kept me not only safe but growing.  As I got  older it was Vixen who taught me how to numb out the pain that was always on the surface wanting an outlet.  It was my addict that brought joy to my life where only despair resided.  My addict kept me alive for the first half of my life.  In my letter to her I cried tears of deep thanks, without her I don't know how I would have gotten through it.

As my letter progressed I became aware of how toxic and controlling Lady Vixen had become in my life.  Where my own inner joy was beginning to flourish she would kill it.  Where my own growth was occurring she would jump in an stunt it.  I was  learning how much she needed to keep me in the place of childness.  She only survived as my scared child thrived.  Without that fearful little girl lady Vixen was nothing.  In my letter I confidently put my adult foot down and said 'No More'.  I showed all the places that Vixen was killing me as an adult.  Where once she kept me protected now she threatened to destroy me.  I bid farewell to  Lady Vixen in that Letter.  I sealed it with my tears and I never looked back.

That was two years ago.

Last night as I sat with tears over the pain that flows from me.  Pain from my childhood.  Pain for my lost youth.  Pain for my misused time as an adult.  Pain from all the hurt I played out through others because of my inability to walk through it on my own.  The smell of weed wafted so seductively through my open balcony window.  I inhaled deeply and knew that I could hold on if I wanted to.  I thought of a bad boy I could call to distract me from my pain.

Instead my best friend and Sponsor texted me in that creepy way that friends know when something is really up.  They kept me tethered as I had an out, a healthy out if I needed it.   I stayed on  my couch and let the waves of hurt wash over me...... and then I went to bed raw but clean.

I fell asleep knowing that Lady Vixen has finally left the building.

When I woke up I found a Moon flower in full bloom within my chest,  with a note attached to it.   'You don't need me anymore, your Strong enough now.  Love Lady V.'  My heart aches with each new breath of expansion.  My mind unsteady with each new step without my trusted other half.

Its finally a new day for me.   Metaphors aside, I am done acting out, I am done using to numb out.  I am done hurting people to avoid my own  pain.  I am just done with the old ways of my life.  I am walking through the grief phase of letting go and oddly enough the tears feel wonderful.  Such a strange thing these things called feelings.

How Quickly I Forget

How soon one forgets the hard times.   How quickly we tend to forget where we came from when the going gets good.   Is it arrogance or is it busyness?  Is it that classic out of sight out of mind mentality?   How dangerous is that for the addict that still has the disease of addiction pumping through their veins just waiting for the opportunity to kill them.

Thats where I am today.   Complaining about my lack of time and balance in life.  Stressing about my loss of time in meditation and prayer, lack of meetings and No step work.  To busy working stupid long hours in a physically demanding job, rushing home to cook for my daughter and spend a few moments catching up with her before crashing into my bed.   Is this really life?

..............I do remember a day when my only concern for the entire day was getting loaded.  No job to worry about.  No kids to rush home too.  No prayer other then whining to God that I am outta dope.  Life was so full of suffering and yet I forget so soon those days.  I forget the shear pain of waking up each day to the full misery of what my life had become.   The intense loneliness of isolation.   The pure animalistic nature my personality had assumed.  I forget these things as my life settles back into normal.

My gratitude has been lacking lately.  I have been focussing on the long hours of my job and missing the fact that less then three months ago I was stressing about not having a job at all.  I have been nitpicking my job apart lately where I used to hand it over to my higher power and accept things that rolled in my direction, which always seemed to work out brilliantly.  I have been fighting with my daughter more and my house is far from being taken care of properly.  What is going on with me?

I am taking back my will.  I am losing contact with my higher power.  I am stepping into my Ego.  I am making things go MY way.  How quickly I jump into the driver seat of my life.  When will I learn that I never have a good map to follow and end  up lost in the back woods?   How many times must I cycle through this pattern before I can just stay forever grounded in my higher power?  Is that not a possibility?

I find it hard to work around coworkers that live in their wills for their lives.  At first its so clear to me how much easier their lives would be if they just surrendered and turned it over, but then after time that energy of getting what I want the moment I want it wears off on me and I am back in the drivers seat of my life.  It seems to take me a few weeks before I realize that things are starting to feel shitty in my world and to begin to question why.

Thats where I am right now.  Questioning why I have fallen back into judgement and am not accepting of the way things are.  When I accept life on lifes terms then my life becomes simple and joyful, how come I trade that in for my misery so quickly?   I guess I am truly experiencing how hard it is to break old patterns and ways of thought.  Self sabotage such a huge issue.  I just cannot seem to sit comfortably in happy for two long.  I want to distract myself from it or I want to exaggerate it just to make it ugly.

I am sure this boils down to a worthiness issue.  I question what I am worth alot these days.  I am defining that in the area of romance and the opposite sex and what I am worth to them, but I never thought to step up my worth on the job front or even on the personal level of self care and my higher power.  I touched my own divinity a few months back and really embraced it.  For a short period at least before it got to bright for me and I began to slip back into comfortable.

Can I grab it again and hold it this time?

It looks like I am rained out of work again today.  I think I am going  to use this day to deep clean my house and soul.  Its time I get back to my true power and stop this misery train that I have unknowingly hopped on.  I am sure glad I have this avenue of writing to help me see my life clearly.  Thank you for being part of it.

Are you lonely when your Alone?

Loneliness versus being alone.

I have given much thought, contemplation and experience into this topic over the past two years of recovery.

When I was married and living with three kids, a Parrot and a Dog, I felt the deepest loneliness.  This feeling was unidentified then and left me feeling confused and spun me off the rails in search of fulfilment.   I spent the next several years filling this void with drugs, men, and endless parties filled with people.

The loneliness never subsided it grew, every morning I would wake up in a deeper pit of utter aloneness.   The sense of disconnection from everyone in the world, the world and myself included.  I felt like I didn't belong anywhere and that I was an alien amongst all these humans.  I really struggled with this sense of loneliness.

Coming into the rooms spun me into a whole new process of loneliness and being alone.  For the first time I felt like I connected with people and was around a group of people that finally understood me.  It was a wonderful feeling and I wanted more and more of it.  In the early days of recovery I was with some one 24/7.  Filling my loneliness void with all this new found acceptance and affection.  I was about to overdose on it.

The Virgo in me cannot handle constant interactions with people, I need my space and alone time.  Yet alone time was very bad for my thought processes, so I was caught in a bit of a confusing cycle.  Can't be with people all the time yet cannot spend any time alone.  I see this constantly in the rooms and outside the rooms as well.  People afraid to be alone, yet dislike the people they hang around with.

I found my solution skimming the surface of the 12 steps, just waiting to be picked up by the ready and willing.  Making friends with A higher Power.  To discover and determine what your own higher power is, is the first step to building a relationship with an energy that will keep you company and out of your head when your alone, yet keep you confident when your with others.

For me my higher power cannot be the rooms any more because that puts other people in control of that power.  My higher power is tapped when I am taking care of myself and doing things that I personally enjoy doing.  It took some self discovery to find out what those things are, but now that I know I can tap that power when I am feeling lonely.

As I write this I am again amazed at how advice for my own personal issues of the moment come through the words of the daily meditation book written years ago by several people.  How it works is simply to big for me to understand and I will leave that one to the powers that be.  I have been feeling lonely and seeking out unhealthy avenues to fill that loneliness lately, only to feel more lonely.  I forgot this lesson I have already learned.

The last two days of rain, work has slowed a bit and I have been able to hit the spa and the gym and fill up on the love of my higher power.  I have been able to spend some quality time with my daughter and that has filled up my heart with a love deep.  I have been able to lunch with a dear friend and have connected with another dear friend as well, which always balances me out and provides me with outside perspectives to my life.

I was walking through the park the other day, enjoying my time alone.  It suddenly occurred to me as tears sprung to my eyes, how filled I was and how in love I was.  In love with my life, my self, the world as a whole and the gorgeous blooming cherry tree standing before me.  Being alone is where I feel the least lonely now.  It was only through getting to know, like and love myself that I was able to fill the void of loneliness.

Today I am bringing balance back to the loneliness that was creeping into my heart from working long hours and not taking care of myself.  I am happy again and heading off to the gym for a nice run while I wait for work to decide if this is gonna be a rain day or not!  Have a good one folks!!

Being Carried in the Good Times Too

Todays daily mediation is about our higher powers strength to carry us through life's challenges.  But what about when things are really good, whats carrying us then? 

See my struggle has always been with the good not the challenging.  When my life is falling apart I am comfortable.  I am much better at ripping down what I built over building up the dreams of my heart.  I can easily find my higher Power when life is tough and I am humbled, I find the void when things are going good and I slip back into Ego the true trying times for me.

This past two months with starting a new job has been both wonderful and terrible all at the same time.  Terrible in the sense of feeling disconnected from my routine and thus my schedule of connecting with my world, yet wonderful in the fact I was completely out of my head the entire time.

Let me explain what being in my head means to me.  When I get stuck in my head I am trapped in a viscous circle of thoughts.  Thoughts that run like a hamster on the wheel of my mind.  Chewing and re-chewing idea's, concepts, facts, memories and perceived evils over and over again.  The past couple months I have been far to busy and tired to have any other thoughts then basic needs needing to be met.  Now though things are settling and the thoughts that have been patiently waiting in the background are demanding my attention.

My mind since active addiction has seemed to slip into this low self esteem negative mode where nothing is every good enough and I am destined to lose everything.  I was not always this negative, it bothers me that I am today.  I have so much fear some days I truly wonder how I function.  Then other days  I am full of confidence and grace.   Its the days I can tap my higher power that I feel positive.  It's not always easy today to tap that power.

I am just beginning to understand how much work recovery is.   How much work it is to keep my mind healthy and free from all the debris this world and my own addict wants to fill it with.  How much work it is to hold a regular job and not run when my emotions flare up.  How much work it is to maintain a positive parental role for my daughters and son.  How much work it is to keep my friendships alive and well.   And in all of that there is my desire to be touched in an intimate way by a man.  Which I have no energy left at the end of the day for.

I am not meaning to spin a negative on this, however I am mearly pointing out that I need my higher power to carry me more through the good times then I do the rough ones.  Because its through the busyness of the building that I lose the energy I need to keep building.  It is today that I need to connect with the love and support of my creator.  I need the reassurance and the guidance I am still on the right path.  I need the love and affection to nurture me and help me feel less lonely as I move towards the goals I set for myself a few months ago.

My recovery is not slipping.  I am merely pausing to rest and to have a good cry over all the realizations and understandings I have been awakened to in these past few months.  It is always hard for me to learn a new quality about myself, good or not so good.  Today I am facing so not so good ones.  This is when I use the serenity prayer to get me through and I keep on moving.

Hope you all are having a wonderful day and now I must get moving to work.... loving rain days and the time they gift me.

The 11th Step At Work

Topic:  Acting As If

'Fake it until you make it' was a more common term for me before coming in to the Program.  I had been introduced to this way of thought when I began my spiritual practices with The Goddess.  I practised the concept without having really any understanding or proof that it worked.  Even though my practice was insecure and only half hearted, several years later I began to see the proof.  I grew in my spiritual abilities and my life began to change because of it.  Reflecting back today causes my breath to catch over several fake it moments that I now realize were not faking it at all.

When I changed careers in 2007 I found myself in a social circle way out of my comfort zone.  My co-workers,  my clients and my new friends were of a much higher social class than I had ever been privy too.  I loved my job so much that I really began to act as if  I was always one of them.  I felt like a fake in the beginning, it was very hard for me to learn new standards of living.  

I was surprised when I began to learn that all the people that I believed to be of a higher social status then me were all exactly like me.   As I became friends with this supposed higher class, I was confronted with the hard facts that they just managed their finances better then I did, or they managed their social interactions more confidently then I had.  These people were not of a different social class then me they just had different skills in the social arena then I did.  Every one of these new acquaintances started somewhere.... the same place I had spun circles for most of my life.

That fake it till you make it situation showed me that no matter what path your taking in life you don't have all the expertise in the beginning    You must learn.   Pretending that you already know gives you the confidence and passion to take that first step.  Having confidence puts you in a place of being able to ask questions and ask for guidance,  it does for me any ways.  When I feel stupid I just want to cower and hide.  Underneath I felt stupid, but on the outside I was self assured.

Taking this into my life today and back to the original paragraph, I am experiencing an 'act as if' process in my life.    When my previous job ended I spent much time in Prayer.  I know with out a doubt I have good communication with my Higher Power.   During that prayer I felt a deep desire to apply for this specific company within my chosen field of work.  Within days of the job ending I made contact with this employer and set up an interview.  That interview fell through due to scheduling conflicts.  I played a game of chase and tag with the owner of this company for the next two months.

In the meantime I was applying for other jobs and becoming completely discouraged over the lack of productivity that Gods plan was having in my life.  I began doubting my direction.  I lost faith in my Higher Powers ability to take care of me.  Panic and fear started to seed as I began to explore new options.  I lost my confidence to act as if and depression began to threaten to eat me whole.

Finally, Yesterday after a fabulous interview last week I was offered the position God had put in my heart originally.   After I got off the phone with my new employer, I was surprised by how I was feeling.  I lacked excitement.  After all the fear and all the places I applied I finally had a job, yet I could not muster any joy.   

I soon understood, that I always knew I was going to get this job.  The feelings I had were actually feelings of shame for not trusting my higher power to carry my through.  I had just about sabotaged this position.  I had been so frustrated with my lack of understanding that I could not act as if.  I was losing my confidence and my job hunt was suffering because of that. All I could see is all the regrets I had in previous jobs, all my failures and mistakes.  I could only see all the places I had let people down.  By the last day before the job was offered to me, I was completely of the mind set that I was absolutely unhirable.   I lost trust.  I lost faith.

Acting as if has shown me that no matter how large or how small the situation is, by acting like you already own it keeps your mind in a healthy place.  A place of positive dreamscapes and encouraging words.  Losing the As If in our lives takes out the Hope, leaving us with melancholy and despair.

I have hope again today and spent a long time in meditation last night making peace with my higher power.  I feel my spirit coming alive and the nervousness of starting a new job threatening to bring up my yesterdays eats!  Yup Life is Good again!!  Acting as If, back on the agenda as I embark on a new journey and new job!   Fake it till you make it, suckas!

Process of Coming to Believe

Growth and evolution within our own skin sometimes takes us on journeys we didn't expect.  Being willing to shift and move with the twists and turns presented along our paths is the key to going with the flow of life.

Topic:   Confronting our higher powers.

What does that mean to confront our higher power?  Why would we want to do this?  Isn't that a crazy powerful power, do we really want to piss that off?  I guess the first thing I needed to do was define what that power was before I could answer any of those questions.

Higher power, my inner self, God/dess, Father/mother, Buddha, Jesus, Athena, Ali Bobba... what ever term I choose for that day, its all the same energy for me.  Its a relationship with my greater self.  Greater then MY self.  It is a God energy unique to me, yet connected to all.  Building that relationship, as with all relationships has had its ups and downs, its trials and tribulations.    I have have had to define and redefine that power every step of the way.

When I was a child I thought God didn't love me and had abandoned me.  I felt alone in my life, I was a bad kid that obviously pissed God off at some point.  God defined early on in my life was an energy that did not protect me and therefor was unloving.  I am sure media and my atheist father aided that belief    I had no formal religious upbringing so my beliefs were internal and made up through my own sense of being.  I felt abandoned.

That sense of abandonment was acted out thoroughly through my teen years as I embraced the loving devil as my father, lover and best friend.  I was your dark and brooding teen that had a laser stare that could eat away the goodness of your soul.  I was angry.  When the anger began to simmer, and it did as it's a tough energy to mantian, I learned about purgatory from my Catholic grandmother.

My pursuit of the perfect church for me was a comical one.  The first one told me God wouldn't allow me to drink pop.  What?  Thats stupid.  The second one frowned on my smoking.  The third fourth and fifth thought drinking was a sin.  Every church I went to, found something morally wrong with me.  No where was I good enough to be part of God's posse.  So I dropped all persuits of Godlike happiness and settled for my blissful disconnection.

For many years I resided there in contentedness.  Raising my kids, living my life and playing wife with ignorant bliss of anything greater then myself.  Life was just life.   That is until I met the teacher that brought me to the Goddess.  All power broke loose after that!!

The next seven years was deeply immersed in learning all there was about this female God that had never abandoned me, that had always been there silently making sure I was safe as I grew my strength from my horrific experiences   What a wonderful mother goddess she was.   I tapped my inner power and rose up to the heavens of happiness.   It was a steady climb into the clouds and without humility the fall was not a graceful one.

I hit the ground hard.  I was angry... really angry.  In the pits of addiction I was once again  abandoned.  This time by a God energy I fell in love with.  Who lifted me up, whom I trusted.  And she flicked me off the pedestal like I was lint on her shoulder!!     Coming into recovery I was one hopping mad woman when it came to accepting a higher power in my life.

Steps one, two, three.... relapse.  Steps one, two three..... relapse.   Steps one, two, three......... four...relapse, relapse....five.

I had to make peace with my higher power.  The first time I was unwilling.   The second time I was unwilling.    The third time I was willing but begrudgingly.  I had to make amends to my higher power for getting cocky and letting my ego take over.  I had to forgive my higher power for not protecting me when I needed it.  It took a lot of work for me to get through the resentment and anger I had towards God, in all forms he has taken in my life.  It took a lot of self care in order to get to a place of respect for myself and there for my inner light.

I have journeyed with the Higher power thing my whole life.  It has always been an interest to me and during many periods of my life a deep passion.  I love discussing God with people, I love sharing my concept of a higher power.  I am of the belief that we all have a higher power, whether we choose to acknowledge and work from that place of power is entirely up to us.  I have walked with the light and also danced in the shadows.  I am comfortable in both places today.

I have full trust in my higher power today in a way I never have in the past.   Through confronting my higher Power I have found peace.  Now I understand the larger picture of life and my small but important place within it.  I try to stay humbled but empowered.

Learning to Live in a Higher Power

When we begin to really work a program of recovery and things start to click and miracles begin to happen we find we can no longer live the way we used to.   This has provided some tough decisions and harsh realizations for me.

Recently I acquired a little dog from a friend.  Earlier in the month I had actually prayed for a little dog that was apartment compatible.   So when this opportunity presented itself I jumped all over it.  except this stupid program of living an honest life wrecked my joy of having a new addition to our family.  You see I am not allowed to have pets where I live.

I could not get past that no matter how I approached the situation in my mind.  I was breaking rules and i was lying.  I just couldn't do it.  To add salt to the wound I was creating I was also teaching my 12 year old daughter to lie and be sneaking around property managers.  What anxiety this created in my world for the few days I had him.  The program gave me peace and serenity, my decision to break that was too uncomfortable for me.  The dog went to a new home.

Now that i spend more time in MY higher Power, I cannot live and do things that I could when I functioned from my Lower power.  I cannot bend the rules any more.  Not those kind of rules any ways    Functioning from a place of this higher power comes from building a relationship with yourself.  I had a tough lesson in learning myself through this situation.  I wanted a Dog, but am not in a position to have one.  Not only that I realized that once I did get the dog the work that when in to caring for him was far greater then I was willing to give.  I wanted the cuddles but forgot the exchange that would be involved.

I learned that I am just learning to take care of myself and my daughter.  Adding on to this right now is detrimental to my own growth and my higher power will fade when I place anything before the developing of that relationship.  It is not fully established nor at full strength yet.  I am sure I am looking at years before that is the case.  The dog taught me this lesson and I am grateful for that.  I am also happy that I caught it fast enough and was able to reverse the situation and provide damage control before it created some big messes in my life.

Living from a place of my higher power has provided me a peace and serenity that I am becoming less and less willing to upset.  following the rules of the universe are becoming a joyful process of learning... not the rebelious disgust they used to be.  Life is good on this side of the light.

Where do You draw POWER from??

... 'We had convinced ourselves that we could make it alone and proceeded to live life on that basis.  The results were disastrous and, in the end, each of us had to admit that self-sufficiency was a lie'.

I fully believe that as humans we are not meant to live a solitary life, we live in communities for a reason.  As addicts we isolate from lack of desire to live and work with others in our community.  For me it was because I was tired of being hurt by people, drugs numbed me and kept me safe from others.  Coming into recovery I struggle with opening up and let others in again.

When I stand in the circle at the end of the meeting I feel like that physical circle is a human shield my fellow addicts and I create against the darkness of drugs and that world that threatens to kill me.  When I am at a meeting I feel like I am in a safe zone.  There is a power in those rooms that keeps the demon in my head quiet while I am there.  I cannot quiet that overwhelming urge to get loaded on my own... I tried, numerous times.

Step 11 is what began to keep me safe outside the rooms.  Steps 2 and 3 helped me to begin to develop the concept of that power greater then myself, however it wasn't until step 11 that I began to really to sit and invite that power into my body.  As I practiced different meditations techniques I began to feel a white light surrounding me.  This became the human shield that the meetings created for me.  I call it running my energy.  I draw down power from the heavens and suck up grounding from the center of the earth.  This keeps me balanced and feeling safe.  Sometimes I even visualize a shield around myself when I am feeling really raw and want no one to hurt me.  This is the power that I cannot muster on my own.

Power greater then myself is not God, it's truly just electrical power that I plug into like a TV cord.  Strangely enough the more often I connect in this way, the more I seem to understand things about Divine Love and the more I want to live in harmony with the people in my community.

So Just for Today I will seek the support of other recovering addicts; harmony with others in my community;and the care of my Higher Power.  I cant, but we can.

Thank you for letting me share, I am a recovering addict named Arial.