Kicking the Inner Critic to the Curb!

**Repost**

Four days ago a shift occurred in my inner reality.  I have struggled with the words in which to describe this change.  Let me start at the beginning and share the experience with you.  You know how I love my experiences and how I love even more dishing about them to you.

So I have been taking this Hypnotherapy course which I absolutely love.  I am learning how to slow my mind down and how to drop at will into different states of consciousness.  Every Thursday evening I meet my guide online and my mind is filled with glorious knowledge.  I drink it in like a dehydrated plant.  This past Thursday was no different.

That is until we rearranged an aspect of my mind.

Sounds kinda freaky hey?  I love my weirdness.  The weirder something is the more I am on board with convincing you its actually normal and your the weird one.  But I gotta tell you the action taken that evening to remove my inner critic was way beyond real in such a freaky unreal way.

First what is the inner critic?  As I explained in a testimonial I left on Dwaine Hartman's site http://www.innerbalancehypnotherapy.com,  it is that inner voice that whispers nasty things in your ear.  It's that voice that would reprimand me about all the sugar I ate the day before.  The voice that would doom my day before I even got out of bed.  It was that nagging feeling that I just wasn't good enough.  It was the energy that robbed my self confidence.  An aspect of oneself that keeps the light and love out of your reality.

The inner critic is that dark cloud that keeps you asleep and from Love.

I was allowing my inner critic to drop me back into depression.  I had let her have full reign again and Dwaine helped me remove her.  The process was an.... odd one, even for me.... Queen of Odd.

As he asked for permission from myself and my higher self,  he asked me where my inner critic was right now.  At the very moment of him asking I felt a small kick in my left brain.  Honest to Goodness, it felt like an angry little six year old had just put the boot to my left top brain.  I kinda laughed nervously when I told him where she was. Of course my analytical mind was going ape shit already trying to understand what that boot was.

He then guided me to move her to my right brain, where it felt stuffy and foreign.  Then to the back we gently moved her and out the top of my head.  When she was completely out of my head I felt such a weird peace inside my skull.  Like an emptiness that was welcomed.  By this time I could no longer try to make sense of what was happening it just felt way too damn good to care.

Dwaine then invited in Arch Angel Micheal to take the inner critic and reform her.  She was then sent away with him and could come back when she was ready to live in harmony with me.  I cannot even begin to describe the sadness I felt over her leaving.  I have gone to her a few times over this four days and feel that she is very happy where she is and might not come back to me.

That experience in itself was weird.  And again I believe in what psychics tell me and have had many readings, past life and otherwise.  I work with affirmations and speak a lot about realities and the creations of such.  I love to meditate and feel lots of great things when I am in that state of consciousness.  This stuff is not new to me.

I have never experienced something so physical as this inner reality process though.  I felt her physical kick.  I can feel her outside of myself and I have not heard one negative thing filtered out of my mind in four days.  No naggings that I am not good enough, no insults and I got out of bed with absolutely no thoughts this morning.

I have even tried to insult myself and it just didnt work. lmao!!  I really did.  Called myself a fat bitch, then was instantly in love with my childbearing body and the fact I have the courage to be a bitch.  hahaha....

 I am full of love again.  I have been here before but only for brief periods of time.  I feel a serenity that has never been to this degree before.  I feel calm.  I am just not beating the shit out of myself anymore,.  I truly believe for the first time that I will never go back to that place of unworthiness again.  Only because it was such a physical sensation of her removal.  She is really really gone.

But that is not even the end of my story.  What has occurred in her absence has me reeling even more.

 My mind is filling with love and light.
I have all these goals and desires filling me so fast and so full that I feel confused and overwhelmed.
I feel things intensely but the feelings come and go so fast I don't get hung up in them.
I know things that seem to help me in the moment but wonder when I learned that knowledge.
My meditations seem to have more energies in them, different new energies feeding me guidance.
I feel connected in a way I never have before.

I will not dive more into that right now because none of it makes sense to me to apply vocabulary to it.  I just really wanted to get it out there to you that if you struggle with a voice inside your head that keeps you from experiencing full on inner Love and a lightness then you want to explore removing that inner critic.  I will shamelessly plug my teacher Dwaine as a wonderful option or if you want to wait until I am certified I would be more then happy to help.  But as with everything there are many paths to reaching that result.

I cannot even begin to describe what my inner world is like today as oppose to last Wednesday.  I want everyone to experience where I am at right now.

Are you Ready To WAKE UP???

Falling back asleep is a real threat to me today.

You might have to bare with me this post as I work through some knowledge that is just budding as understanding.  Defining when I am asleep and when I am awake is where my mind has been most active today.

My blog is about Ascension.  Waking up to the reality or truth of who I AM.  Yet it feels like I am falling asleep more then I am waking up.  I guess defining what it even means to be asleep or awake is where I should start huh?

When I speak about waking up, it's metaphorically of course.  To be awake is to be deeply aware of who you are and to stand in that truth.  To be awake is to be moving forward on your personal growth.

To be asleep is to be living life by other peoples dictations.  To live on auto pilot.  To follow the crowd absentmindedly because it doesn't matter to you.  One is asleep if they lack energy to follow their passions.  Asleep people sometimes are in such a deep coma that they don't even know what there passions are, they are in denial of being asleep.  Asleep people sometimes convince themselves they are happy and this is the life they want.  I think some people are not even meant to wake up this lifetime, or right now and that's okay.  To be asleep is ignorant bliss and there are many days I would like to be there again.... hence my constant threat of willing myself back to sleep.

I don't know how you tell if your asleep or not.  I know for me I just felt like I was not living up to my full potential.  I felt that there was just way more to life then what I was experiencing.  I knew in my heart I was not fully happy and satisfied but I had no idea how to get to that happy.  I followed all society's rules and guidance and felt worse and worse, like I was a leper and didn't fit in.  I had these secret dreams and passions that I just couldn't seem to tell people about, let alone pursue.

It wasn't until I began peeling away what didn't feel right and began following what felt good that I began to awake.  I swung the pendulum to far to the feel good side and ended in addiction because of it, but I wonder sometimes if that wasn't part of my Ascension journey.  Can't fully embrace the light without understanding its counter balance, darkness. But I digress....

I am just learning to identify what keeps me asleep.  Taking this hypnotherapy course is already starting to ding some bells in my little brain.  Societal hypnosis is a very real thing.  To follow the masses is almost like a drug that we become all to comfortable buying into.  I will get back to this though.

I always knew that food was a sleeping agent for me.  When I overeat, or eat lots of starches and sugars, I begin to fall into a hypnotic state of mind.  I become to tired to do anything, let alone actively pursue my passions.  Food induces a coma for me.  I just want to sit, watch TV and eat.  Weed induced that same coma state.  I am reading lots on the chemicals put in our drinking water, into our coffee's and all matter of sorts in our foods.  These toxins keep us doped up and unable to move into the truth's of ourselves.

Why is that so?  I remember when my son was very ill when he was a toddler.  He called for me in his delirious state and when I went to him, I felt chills run through my body upon looking into his eyes.  They were pure black and completely void of him.  It was like he was just a functioning body with no soul in there.  It was so unnerving that I called my mentor to talk it out.  Her being a holistic healer explained to me how the soul leaves the body when it's in danger.  Being harmed and being very sick, the soul checks out.  Right now we are very sick people, putting rat poisons and other toxins in our bodies on a daily basis's.

How can you be awake when your soul can't stomach the harm your doing to yourself?

I am starting to realize how much the collective consciousness actually keeps me asleep as well.  I have said it a million times, you become like the five closest people to you.  This is an example of this.  What you associate with is the energy you will embody.  People that are asleep will work hard to keep you asleep, not that they will be aware of it, but it's an energetic reality.  But what about the media?

Media... what you watch, what you fill your mind with is as equally toxic as what you put into your body through your mouth.  I am sure we are all aware of this by now.  I learned on a deeper level when i lost all my weight how true this is for the community as a whole.

I was treated way differently as a 'skinny' person then I was as  big lady.  Even though I didn't buy into the stereo type of woman's barbie bodies I realized that the majority of people around me did.  It became increasingly difficult not to get caught up in the flow of the actions around me.  It felt good.  Today however I have settled down to that reality and am kinda disgusted with the way media leads us like cattle through the streets.

When we buy in to media we connect to a collective thought and it is through that thought that we are hypnotized.  I am not saying all media is like this, but much of it out there is meant to keep you in a trance and dancing like a government controlled puppet.

It's much much easier to follow the masses when you have no idea who you are.  When we came into the world we were connected to our souls and knew who we were.  We were not afraid to ask for what we needed and made our presence known to the people around us.  Where along the line do we fall asleep?  Do we all fall asleep or do some of us maintain our awakened state?  These people that maintain it, are they confused about this movement of awakening?  Does trauma cause our souls to abandon ship?  Is awakening for the broken person a soul retrieval?  Can someone who has not experienced trauma still push their souls away by media following alone, by toxic ingestion alone?

Why do people choose to stay asleep or when they wake up, why do they so quickly put themselves back in slumber?  This is where I am at now.  It seems so much easier just to give in to my desire to do nothing and sleep.  To just float along in life and give nothing more then my 10 percent and get my 20 back.  It seems so much more acceptable to watch breaking bad and joke about the mayor that smoked crack.  No one faults me for eating that chocolate cake the other day, they actually laugh and share their over eating stories with me, welcoming me to the 'club'.  Such a connection I have to the world around me when I stay asleep.

That's not what I want however.  I want a connection to my soul.  I want to become all that I can be and live my dreams.  I want to feel a state of internal bliss everyday of my life.  I want to experience real love, cosmic love.  I want to create a reality so grand that even I am amazed everyday I wake up.  Does this all sound far fetched to you?  Unachievable?

Wells it's not.  I have experienced all of that and more.  The issue is that I have yet to experience it all, all of the time.  I have had tastes of it here and there.  I remember for a solid year bouncing out of bed, unbelieving that I was getting paid to do a job I loved so much that it didn't even feel like work.  During a meditation once I had a full body orgasm that I can't even begin to describe.  I have been on stage in front of 700 people sharing my story and motivating them.  I have done all those things in the above paragraph.  I just have yet to maintain it.  Because I always fall back asleep...

The culprit.... Sex, men and romance.  It's always my demise.  The world tells me I am nothing without a man.  The only people telling me otherwise are older women without men in their lives.  I always fall back under the hypnotic trance when I listen to songs like 'Guerrilla' over and over again on the top forty station I love.  After a few weeks of hearing a particular trance inducing song, my mind starts to form thoughts and actions soon follow.  This goes back to when our parents told us not to listen to the devils music.  They were on to something, they new the hypnotic trance it puts us under, what it feeds is our subconscious mind.  The weak, insecure mind feeds off this power and asleep she goes.   Asleep I go.....

Well awareness is key right??  I wont let myself fall asleep this time.  I am about to embark on my dreams for the very real time, this time.  I need to 'work' at keeping myself awake.  I have to push through the uncomfortable bubble into my truth and stand up in that.  A christian song today reminded me to Give it to God.... THEN walk in it.  It's time to woMAN up!!

Clear Space for Something New!!

It's amazing to me how fast life can change when you take the bold step into the unknown.

The day after I closed the door on a frequency no longer resonating with me, I received closure not only in that area, but another one nagging me for a very long time.  Deciding to leave NA somehow brought a silence to the demons in my head constantly reminding me of my failure in the weight loss industry.

How?  Scratching my head I wondered...  I am surprised I am not bald with all the head scratching I do....or have a dented scalp with the banging that frequently happens too.  lol

It was the day after I made it official in my mind, by writing it out here, to move away from my twelve step fellowship.  That a coworker from the weight loss industry tagged me in a status connecting me with everyone involved in that time of my life.  Connection and Communication silenced the demons by powering up the light.  My negative beliefs around the events leading to my fall from grace vanished one by one instantly with each person I talked to.

I was amazed.

I am still unsure how everything is connected.  What seemed like a completely separate issue plaguing me was vaporized within 24 hours of making a decision in what seemed like a totally different area of my life.

Energy and focus is what comes out of my head scratching on this one.  I seem to have this limited amount of energy.  Which this thought goes against my past beliefs that energy is infinite.  Maybe it's just focus then.  Maybe I can only have focus in one area at a time.

With having a year clean and no longer needing that focus to stay clean my path was cleared to focus on something new.  This is where I question the validity of relapse in the second year as a popular notion within the rooms.  Maybe relapse comes from the person not moving forward, thus moving backwards.  I personally do not believe any part of life needs to be hard work.

 If you have to bust your balls at it, your on the wrong path.

Of course this is my point of view.  We all create our own realities and live from our own frequencies.  I am not advocating everyone slam the doors to areas of their lives that they are not happy with right now.  Life is not always a bowl of roses.  I can recognize when it's time for me to move on, from experience and connection to my higher power.  I am learning to stand in my truth which is not easy, but not a ball buster either.

Going against popular belief is not an enjoyable experience.  The rewards however are well worth the sacrifice.

.....and let me tell you about more sacrifice and rewards that are shaping up in my life right now.  I have taken a crazy bold step into my future and it's scaring the poop out of me!!  This is what I call the work in my life now...taking that first step.  Drunvelo Melchizedek says the first step is about three feet high and then all the rest are easy.  I couldn't agree more.  I just took a giant leap of faith and am mildly vomiting in my mouth now.

I enrolled into an 8 month intensive course on HypnoTherapy.

ooohhhhh...... ahhhh.....  Gasps abound.  Shock reverberates through the readers...

Okay fine!   Maybe that's an exaggeration.  But, boy oh boy, does it ever feel like that in my little world.  Why does it feel so scary to me you ask?  I know your longing to have that answer.... lol  Well let me share that with you then.

I have wanted to take this course for years now.  I have researched it and researched it again.  Many times I have almost signed up.  There was always something stopping me though.    It was too expensive.  I didn't have the time.  I couldn't get to the City hosting it.  I was too sick/tired/high.  Always something seemed to block me.  I see now I just wasn't ready yet.  I was to afraid to climb that first three foot step.

At the beginning of this past week as the Moon sat contently in her Newness I found myself thinking about what I wanted to create now.  With the energy of the planet I too was ready to embark upon another journey across the sky.  But what?

I was clearing my clients driveways of snow at five am in the utter peacefulness of the land.  When the thought of hypnosis kept nagging me.  Interrupting my peace.  This is how I receive my guidance.  In meditation those thoughts that repeat and wont go away are my higher voice.  I can hear this voice only after much daily practice of quieting the monkey mind.  Well worth the 'work'.

So heeding the voice I researched courses, once again.  Like for the hundredth time in my life.  It was the second course I found online that had this crazy resonance with me.  My spidey senses where on overdrive as I read page after page of knowledge that I already had understandings too.  I watched youtube video after video to get a feel of the teacher and instantly like the frequency he was on.  There was absolutely no hesitation to contact him.

His response was simultaneous.   Like he was just sitting there waiting for Me specifically to contact him.  With 24 hours I was on the phone with him.  The talk was animated.  I felt like I was connecting with someone from home.  The general feel of the call was.... finally she is ready!  I really did feel like he had been waiting for me forever.        .......My point of view... whatevs, I like it.

Within an hour of speaking with the developer of the course I was signed up and had my first module.  The speed of light!!

It was then that I found the realization of the magnitude of what I just took on, to sink in.  I was really doing it.  I was really embarking on a path I have been skirting for way too many years to count.  I was going to take my love for meditation to a whole new level.  I was taking the first step of my dream to get on a stage to motivate the masses into a better life!  I was really doing it.  Creating the future I have always seen myself in.

I had to call a friend.  I had to lower my cresting wave of energy before it set into panic and I sabotaged the entire project.  Laughing a lot my two beloved mentors on the other end of the phone verified my 'finally she's getting it' energy.  What they have known for years was finally just starting to dawn in me.  I love those supports in your life that hold a vibration for you until your ready to step into it.  These women have been holding it for over ten years now.... and they never gave up on me and my butterfly ways.

I am truly ready to step into my future.  As I write that I can feel my belly get hot.  My cauldron center boils, I am pregnant with a new adventure!  Tears spring to my eye's with the connection to my soul.  I AM finally becoming.... ME.